VILLAGE IDIOT LISTS PUBLISHED IN ADVANCE OF MAY ELECTION

ALLERDALE BOROUGH COUNCIL have published their four-yearly nominations of village idiots this week as election fever descends over the Borough like an unwanted fog of flatulance.

The Conservatives are leading the way with the most nominations for village idiot, contesting all 49 seats available, with the Labour Party in second place contesting the villages where they know that there are enough idiots supporting them to get them elevated to the contested honour of being the ultimate village idiot.

The rest of the nominations are made up of tree-huggers, weirdos and those of questionable personal hygiene known as the Green’s and the various incarnations of so-called Independent’s.

“After the village boundaries were redrawn this year, the race for village idiot across the borough is really anyone’s game” noted distinguished psephologist Professor Jack Curtrice, from the University of Cumbria, “the Tories contesting every single village idiot position is unprecedented in Cumbrian idiot racing and Labour are immediately on the back foot after they had more splits than a banana, with the King-led independents aligning to the new TIGers in the Hall of Morons.”

Turnout is expected to be low in the village idiot elections on May 2nd, with normal people fed-up with these idiots banging on about Breaksit at every opportunity.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments token rent-a-gob and self-proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “I’m sick of all these idiots coming round once every four years banging on about their own egos and frankly bull manure. There are too many idiots getting air time on the telly and I’m sick of it. All we want is to not be ripped off and to get on with our lives. And a B&M - we want a B&M and any idiot that supports it has my vote.”

Expectations are that the battle for village idiot for Moorclose and Moss Bay will be a close run affair with Coun Stephen “Spit-the-dog” Stoddart going head to head with Coun Barbara “Loose” Cannon in a run off for the ultimate village idiot.

“It’s going to be a close run affair” notes Professor Curtrice, “there are no bigger idiots in the borough than Stoddart and Cannon. Stoddart is a man with convictions and Cannon is seriously proposing to spend £100million on a monument to super-idiot Mark Fryer! Choosing between these two for top idiot will be like picking between your left and right nostril for the one that has the tastiest mucus - it’s too close to call!”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was unavailable for comment saying “As we are in an election period the council is covered by the purdah regulations meaning we cannot possibly suggest that everyone votes in their favourite Labour supporting village idiot as we could get accused of bias and we have a stadium that we want to build. Just please do us all a favour though, don’t elect Coun Peter Kendall - we are so bored of his stories now. If he drones on at another planning meeting we might end up with the fiasco we did this week with all our idiots being hypnotised into agreeing with him. We had to stop the meeting to get them out of the trance so they remembered to agree with us!”