SHOCK AS POLITICAL TURKEYS DON’T VOTE FOR CHRISTMAS

CUMBRIAN VOTERS were left flabbergastered this week after a posse of Cumbrian political turkeys refused to accept their inevitable fate by rejecting local government reform for Cumbria yet again. 

The Cumbria Borough Council Leaders group announced that they are unwilling to negotiate for any deal other than the one they like, putting the possibility of local government reform for Cumbria firmly on the back burner.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments local government officianado and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher, “these turkeys aren’t going to vote for an early Christmas. I mean look at them, they’re pretty much ready for the chopping block, but refuse to play ball. Too used to their allowances, as if they’re going to vote themselves out of a job.”

Cumbria is considered one of the most over governed places in the country. With seven local authorities and the Lake District National Park having responsibilities for everything from planning, refuse collections and local roads.

A Cumbrian Councillor finally accepts the inevitable 

Professor Carole Singer from the University of Life is a world recognised authority on Cumbrian politics and in an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard she stated that the Council leaders “don’t have a bloody clue.”

“Cumbria has a population just shy of half a million people. The fact that we have over 300 councillors between districts and county all creaming off between £3,000 and £30,000 a year in allowances means it isn’t in their interests to vote for reform. It isn’t in the interests of the council management either, the top brass all earn over £100,000 per year - as if they want to give that up.”

“In a week when Theresa May couldn’t negotiate her way out of a paper bag”, continued Prof. Singer, “These councillors couldn’t negotiate a future for Cumbria if their lives depended on it. I mean come on, local government is a publicly funded ego trip - Yes Minister taught us that.”

Local people are reported to be in a state of bewilderment regarding the political situation. Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48 of The Parklands, told The Cockermouth Standard “These politicians need to start realising what is important to the woman on the Clapham omnibus. Will I still be able to get my fois gras in a no deal Brexit? Why on earth is the threat of B&M upon us once more? How much of my £396 per month council tax is spent on ball gags and spit hoods? This is what we need to know!”

As we near the Christmas period, David Felcher has a message for all the councillors wishing to put their own interests in front of the people’s “We aren’t gonna put up with it anymore. These lot need to crack on and ditch themselves so our Moira’s job as a lollipop lady and our Michael’s job as a housing officer are safe. Too much spent on all them with their noses firmly in the trough. And if it means I down have to see that bloody stock photo of Alan Smith in the news anymore then all the better. The only photo of a fat lad in a suit I want to see this time of year is one of Santa Claus.”

COMPLAINTS OF SHODDY SANTA SLEIGH SERVICE

CHARITY SANTA SLEIGHS are courting controversy this festive season by not spreading joy and cheer to every single front door in the area, providing an individual service that the modern day snowflakes expect.  

Cockermouth Round Table, Maryport Round Table and Workington and Derwent Rotary members have brought Santa to visit many of the areas towns and villages for many years, but more and more people are getting increasingly frustrated by these volunteers not going to every single door personally.

“It’s a disgrace” vents red-nosed self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “these clubs are filled with offcomers and they don’t even have the common decency to drive their sleigh down my cul-de-sac down the bottom end of Slatefell Drive. Apparently the common hardworking man isn’t worthy of a visit from Santa. Apparently I should have took my grandkids out in the cold wind and rain to stand at the road end for 45 seconds. Well screw that! I haven’t paid my council tax for all these years to be treated like a second class citizen! It’s not as though there are parked cars down both sides of the road. They’re down the middle as well. Can these feckless lot not tow a caravan?!”

Santa - Not knock, knock, knocking on people’s doors

A spokesperson for the Society Against Nastiness, Trolling and Abuse of Clubs Looking to Amuse Universal Society (SANTACLAUS) said “Every year service clubs invest considerable time and effort away from their families to spread some Christmas cheer and raise funds for their local communities. Despite the huge sacrifices made by these people they often get trolled on Fyassbewk or Twatter because “they didn’t come down my street” or “they only come when I’m at work” or “when are you doing my road” for the seven-hundred and ninety millionth time.”

But local community activist Charlene Tinseltits is having none of it “These bloody do-gooders  refuse to come down my lane. I’ve PM’d their Fyassbewk page about seven thousand times and I’ve never had a bloody dicky bird back. 24 hours notice isn’t good enough eh. Some of us might have a client round. I need to make sure I round up the kids from their various dads. Santa isn’t the only ho-ho-ho in this neighbourhood. Self righteous prick.”

The SANTACLAUS spokesperson had a message for Ms. Tinseltits “On behalf of SANTACLAUS, I wish to apologise to Ms. Tinseltits. How dare our volunteer organisations not provide an individual service to every single person in the whole universe. In recompense, we have instructed a personal visit from our local volunteer club with their Santa sleigh to personally deliver the sack full of coal she obviously deserves. Won’t be the last time a fat bloke empties his sack in her living room. Merry Christmas.”