SHOCK AS POLITICAL TURKEYS DON’T VOTE FOR CHRISTMAS

CUMBRIAN VOTERS were left flabbergastered this week after a posse of Cumbrian political turkeys refused to accept their inevitable fate by rejecting local government reform for Cumbria yet again. 

The Cumbria Borough Council Leaders group announced that they are unwilling to negotiate for any deal other than the one they like, putting the possibility of local government reform for Cumbria firmly on the back burner.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments local government officianado and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher, “these turkeys aren’t going to vote for an early Christmas. I mean look at them, they’re pretty much ready for the chopping block, but refuse to play ball. Too used to their allowances, as if they’re going to vote themselves out of a job.”

Cumbria is considered one of the most over governed places in the country. With seven local authorities and the Lake District National Park having responsibilities for everything from planning, refuse collections and local roads.

A Cumbrian Councillor finally accepts the inevitable 

Professor Carole Singer from the University of Life is a world recognised authority on Cumbrian politics and in an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard she stated that the Council leaders “don’t have a bloody clue.”

“Cumbria has a population just shy of half a million people. The fact that we have over 300 councillors between districts and county all creaming off between £3,000 and £30,000 a year in allowances means it isn’t in their interests to vote for reform. It isn’t in the interests of the council management either, the top brass all earn over £100,000 per year - as if they want to give that up.”

“In a week when Theresa May couldn’t negotiate her way out of a paper bag”, continued Prof. Singer, “These councillors couldn’t negotiate a future for Cumbria if their lives depended on it. I mean come on, local government is a publicly funded ego trip - Yes Minister taught us that.”

Local people are reported to be in a state of bewilderment regarding the political situation. Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48 of The Parklands, told The Cockermouth Standard “These politicians need to start realising what is important to the woman on the Clapham omnibus. Will I still be able to get my fois gras in a no deal Brexit? Why on earth is the threat of B&M upon us once more? How much of my £396 per month council tax is spent on ball gags and spit hoods? This is what we need to know!”

As we near the Christmas period, David Felcher has a message for all the councillors wishing to put their own interests in front of the people’s “We aren’t gonna put up with it anymore. These lot need to crack on and ditch themselves so our Moira’s job as a lollipop lady and our Michael’s job as a housing officer are safe. Too much spent on all them with their noses firmly in the trough. And if it means I down have to see that bloody stock photo of Alan Smith in the news anymore then all the better. The only photo of a fat lad in a suit I want to see this time of year is one of Santa Claus.”