EXCLUSIVE - STADIUM JAM FACTORY AMBITIONS REVEALED

DESPARATE COUNCIL OFFICIALS have revealed that the bill for controversial £25M Workington Community stadium is going to rise by another £10M to fund an adjoining jam factory.

Rival news outlets revealed this week that redacted documents published by Allerdale Borough Council showed that the cost of the stadium, known locally as “Fryer’s Folly”, has sky rocketed by £10M to pay for Sellafield offices and an NHS facility. Allerdale BC, who redacted the documents with crayons, also tried to hide assumptions showing that Workington Town would need to be in Super League within 5 years and that Workington Reds would have to improve substantially beyond their current standard of shit, to have any chance of recouping the £25M of taxpayers investment.

The Cockermouth Standard can exclusively reveal that in another redesign the council is proposing to borrow another £10m to build an adjoining jam factory, hopefully creating 500 jobs and providing significant environmental benefits to the area.

An artists impression of Fryer’s Folly Community Stadium and Jam Factory

Local treehugger and nuclear and coal mining protester Ms. Candida Underarm welcomes the authorities move “Construction of a jam factory in Workington will result in significant reductions in carbon emissions resulting from taking over 900 lorries off the road per week bringing Workington and Whitehaven’s primary food source from factories in the midlands and abroad. Finally, some investment in this area that doesn’t involve atoms or coal or any of the industries that actually provide west Cumbrians with jobs or hope for the future. Allerdale should be applauded for accelerating our vision for west Cumbria to be a desolate economic wasteland.”

Pigeon enthusiast and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher is less enthusiastic about the scheme. “It’s a disgrace” spouts rosacea nosed Felcher, “not only is this stadium excluding speedway and pigeon fanciers but now is a shrine for the west Cumbria Labour Holy Trinity of Nuclear, the NHS and jam?! And who is going to end up paying the bill for these 45 regular spectators of rugby and questionable football to have posh seats? It’s going to be the hardworking retired Cockermouthian ratespayers.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson said “Look we are busy. We have all been sent on a how to create PDFs without disclosing confidential commercial assumptions in the background course. The crayons have been worn down to the stub! Frankly all this fuss is much ado about nowt - who doesn’t like jam?!”