CAMPAIGNERS MADNESS THAT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON BARGAINS STORE

LOCAL CAMPAIGNER and keyboard warrior Amanda Freeloader has been shocked this week after discovering some people in Cockermouth night not actually want the town to be besmirched by out of town discount retailers. 

In a series of increasingly incredulous Fyassbewk comments on a rival news outlets page, Miss. Freeloader couldn’t believe that not everyone shares her view that Cockermouth needs a retailer of discount goods on the outskirts of the market town.

“I couldn’t believe what I was reading”, exclaimed a bewildered and angry Freeloader, “it is literal madness not to want free and easy access to such bargains. I thought everyone in the town agreed with me, I mean our Maud and young Paula were encouraging me to get this petition out in support of B&M and everyone on new houses that I spoke to outside Windmill Fisheries were all for the B&M.”

“You can imagine my shock when seeing on Fyassbewk that a load of, obviously offcomers to the town, didn’t want a B&M. I am sick to my back teeth of these B&Moaners going against the will of the people. Local people. People whose families go back in Cockermouth to the dawn of time. These offcomers with their fancy houses and flash motors - not proper Cockermouthians - who cares what they think.”

Miss. Freeloaders petition has had many tens of signatures supporting a B&M 

These views are not shared by Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands who is opposed to the Bargains and the Madness.

“It’s simply not true that all indigenous Cockermouthians want a B&M!” stated Cath Kidson emblazoned Ms. Christensen, “my family go back generations in this town and my views are as valid as some lazy oik from the New Houses! To have my family heritage called into question just because I married a man I met whilst studying at Cambridge is disgraceful. I object to being termed a B&Moaner - I’m a local taxpayer and I’m entitled to air my views on any social media platform I see fit!”

Local councillor and serial busybody Jeremy Crackpot was quick to rise to the defence of Miss. Freeloader’s position, “Frankly this application should have been approved the first time, and the second time. We are not happy with not getting the answer we want, so we will keep encouraging the developer to apply for this store until the planning committee are whipped into shape. We need to make sure we get more business rates collected from Cockermouth so we can pay for the nice shiny new stadium that the Labour voting tribes in Workington want and these snobby interloapers can piss off. We are having a B&M and that is that.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale BC was not available for comment, stating “Look, we are still shredding documents about the stadium before that Mark Jenkinson bloody requests them. We wore out our new redacting crayons and can’t run the risk. As for this B&M, the planning committee can’t be predetermined in their views unless they are whipped into shape which never happens ever. Our diligent councillors always make their own independent conclusions, never fall asleep in meetings and are never prodded to remember which way to vote. But we look forward to welcoming B&M to Cockermouth soon.”