“IT WOULD BE MADNESS TO REFUSE THESE BARGAINS” SAYS LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE

LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher has expressed his unwavering support for the re-submitted B&M planning application. The controversial development - the most devisive issue to hit Cockermouthians since the Great Cumberland Sausage debate of 1809 - will be in front of Allerdale planners soon. 

In a series of late-night, obviously Jennings fuelled, Fyassbewk posts Felcher made his position on the matter quite clear. “It’s a disgrace!” lamented half-cut Felcher, “These plans have been rejected once by the liberal bourgeoise of Allerdale planning with no consideration whatsoever for the retired working-class salt-of-the-earth man like me who needs shops like B&M to dispatch our Deirdre too so I can watch the football in peace. Do they not know how dear Aldi is? B&M all the way for me. Selfish, toffee-nosed, bastards!”

Feelings have been running high in the town, with an obvious divide emerging between the New Houses and Parklands brigade on the issue. A petition has been established for a “People’s Vote” to settle the issue amongst Cockermothians disgusted that the democratic will of the people isn’t being heard.

A selection of B&M fayre intended to satisfy the Cockermouth poshos

“We need a People’s Vote to ensure that the views of the ordinary working man and woman are heard loud and clear” states Windmill Lane resident Amanda Freeloader, “the unrepresentative planning committee need to know that the people of Cockermouth want freedom of movement to our discount retailers without having to get a bus. I’ve been after a new Corona telly cabinet for ages and I don’t want to have to pay ower the odds for it! My Universal Credit hardly covers my Sky-Q subscription as it is, let alone the cost of my Benson and Hedges since the government pushed the prices up. My petition is clear, our red lines are drawn around the B&M logo and we want them to come to Cockermouth!”

But not all Cockermouth residents share the view of Ms. Freeloader, with Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands leading the Vote Local Elections Are Very Exhausting, or Vote LEAVE campaign against the People’s Vote - “the democratic will of the people must be respected in this negotiation and the residents of Cockermouth who sit in the upper 52% of average earnings don’t want our beautiful town besmirched by yet another discount retailer that should be based in Workington, Maryport or somewhere else equally oikish like Seaton.”

Ms. Christensen has garnered support from Jonathan Smurfit, spokesman for Cockermouth Traders Club who stared “Cockermouth Traders have had enough. Not only are we at our wits end about some bell-end smashing our windows, but now we have to see off the threat of B&M again? We have had enough. Do people not realise that free-market capitalism only works if you don’t let competition into the town?! How are businesses that sell high quality toys, hardware and general food stuffs supposed to compete with B&M’s bargain basement pricing? These out of town shopping centres are bad enough, but one that will actually shatter our near monopolies in the town? That’s a step too far.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson told The Cockermouth Standard “Look we have only just finished our course on ‘How to redact confidential commercial documents that obviously support the Workington Stadium and jam-factory.’ We don’t have time to meddle in the dealings of Cockermouth, I mean there’s an election coming and we need to make sure we get all the tribes distracted by a shiny new stadium so they don’t notice how much we are putting their council tax up by.”