COUNCIL LEADER CONFIRMS ROBERTSONS JAM STADIUM DEAL

ALLERDALE COUNCIL LEADER Alan Smith this week let it slip on his personal Fyassbewk page that the Workington Community Stadium and Jam Factory is to be exclusively sponsored by iconic British brand Robertson’s.

The announcement has been met with mixed reactions, with supporters of Britain Furst and Tommy Robinson delighted, and other actual members of the human race, completely and utterly disgusted at potential racialist undertones.

“I am delighted!”, exclaimed self-proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “more jobs for the jam eaters and a celebration of the casual racism that old school Cumberland gammons like me relish. I’ve dusted off my old VHS recordings of Love thy Neighbour, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and ‘Til Death Us Do Part, for a good old fashioned celebration of all things casually racist. I mean come on, golliwogs aren’t racist - they were on jam jars! I reckon Fyassbewk have censored Coun Smith in their purge of truth tellers like him and our Tommy. Bastards.”

Claims that Coun Smith’s Facebook account was hacked in a politically motivated attack were made across the media citing that the Robertson’s Jam announcement was a complete and utter hoax.

A storm in a jam-jar or unacceptable casual racism?

Cyber security expert Xavier Pokemone explained to The Cockermouth Standard that this is a rather unlikely scenario. “It is pretty inconceivable that Coun Smith is the victim of a malicious cyber hacking attack. The likely perpetrators would be Russia, China and North Korea, and as we all know The Peoples Republic of Allerdale is pretty closely aligned politically to all these groups. He could have been looking at some rather risqué websites in special alone times, but more than likely he just shared it of his own volition. We will never really know.”

Cockermouth socialite and token mouthpiece, Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands is disgusted by the alleged Fyassbewk posting. “I can’t believe this post has apparently been shared by an upstanding member of the community. In the week that Tommy Robinson is banned, Momo is terrorising our little ones, to have a senior gentleman sharing racist nostalgia is just the last straw. All these people should be banned from the internet for life!”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was unavailable for comment saying “Look, this is a storm in a teacup. The Glorious Leader has deleted his account and is telling you it wasn’t him. If you don’t stop printing this rubbish we will have no choice but to get our Chief Exec to be very shouty with your editor and storm off in a big strop for doing your job. This isn’t censorship, it’s purely ensuring that we have the right leader following the elections next May, otherwise we will have wasted over £1million on this bloody stadium for the Tories and the Indies to can it and we all want to see a replay of Scotland against Samoa in the rugby World Cup! Vote Labour!”

P.s. Remember dear reader, The Cockermouth Standard is “fake news”. Who knows what happened. But let’s not be racists. Even casual racism, is still, well, racism. Ed.

DOCUMENTARY PREMIERE CROWDS OVERJOYED AT CARNEGIE

JUBILANT SCENES were evident this week at The Carnegie Theatre in Workington at the World Premiere of the blockbuster fly-on-the-wall docudrama ‘Field of Dreams’ featuring an all star cast of Allerdale councillors.

“Field of Dreams is a tragic comedy set during the planning phase for the Workington Community Stadium, lovingly known as the Jam Factory” explained local arts connoisseur Arkel Bucklefist, “a camera crew followed the main protagonists during their struggles to get two warring clans to join in peace to bring to life a vision of modernity, sport, regeneration and above all else fruit based conserves.”

“The parallels with the original ‘Field of Dreams’ starring Kevin Costner are uncanny. During one particularly heavily edited and obviously audibly redacted scene, the star of our film Coun Mark Fryer is seen getting increasingly frustrated by those who doubt that the stadium will ever reach capacity, that Workington Town will never get back to the Super League and that Workington Reds will ever raise higher in the football league than one sponsored by a substance more sticky than jam.”

“BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME” blasts a visibly frustrated Fryer, during the films climatic closing scene after the council is continually berated by stadium detractors on Fyassbewk and Twatter.

The theatrical poster for documentary blockbuster Field of Dreams

Members of the public at the world premiere were moved to tears of joy as they were informed that the Rugby League World Cup would be coming to the new Workington stadium. “I couldn’t bloody believe it!” gushed random member of the public and definitely not a Momentum card-carrying member Dawn Scooner, “finally after all the hard work put in by our Workington Labour comrades we can get the investment in facilities that this town desparately needs to distract visitors from how much of a hole Moorclose and Moss Bay actually are.”

“Shiny new buildings is exactly what the people of Workington need. It’ll help those Moss Bay residents realise that as long as we have taxpayers money to flitter away on vanity projects such as the Workington Jam Factory that they can hope that one day that they will be able to break in and nick some of the high end Sellafield and NHS computers. Let’s just hope they stop short of defecating in the corner of the offices.”

Not all members of the community were pleased with the film with Coun Mark Jenkinson leading calls for all the footage to be released to the public. “The amount of strategic bleeping out of key phrases throughout this so called documentary is disgraceful. It is pure propaganda straight out of the Communist Manifesto. The council are trying to hide behind commercial confidentiality to prevent the public from knowing the truth. I will be making representations to every person under the sun to get this information released to the hard working taxpayers of Allerdale.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale was not available for comment saying “After the success of Al and the Dales theatre company we took the strategic decision to invest in this docudramacomedy. Ticket sales are through the roof! We couldn’t be happier, the £7.50 we have made so far will go some way to pay for the £25million needed to build the Jam Factory. Let everyone know that the film will be playing in The Carnegie on loop for the next 863 days until the stadium opens. Kids and verified card carrying Momentum members get free entry.”