Town Takeaways Takings Tumble Thanks to Taste Cumbria

COCKERMOUTH TAKEAWAYS are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight as a result of the Taste Cumbria road closures that came into force yesterday morning. 

Taste Cumbria is the jewel in the crown of Cockermouth events, with many thousands of people expected to descend on the town over the weekend to sample the fanciful fare and imbibe the finest beers, gins, ales and prosecco.

However, Jonathan Smurfit from the Cockermouth Traders Club has seen that the food festival has had an unintended impact on the towns takeaways “Our members in the convenience food sector are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight compared to a normal Friday”

“As a result of all the road closures, the towns fatties cannot park directly outside their favourite Friday night fried food vendor. It’s across the town, Lees, Main Street chippy, Diamond, Pedro, Alternative, Little Basil, Bamboo, Full House, Fiza Spice, Chattanooga, all reporting a plunge in takings. The exception being Slatefell Chippy, who have reported record takings and traffic jams from all the towns rotunda descending on the shop as they can park right outside.”

Taste Cumbria Food Festival returns to Cockermouth

Local curmudgeon and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher once again mounted his high horse “It’s a disgrace!” exclaimed type-2 diabetes suffer Felcher, “it’s our god given right to enjoy a Friday night takeaway only for this to be taken away because of this posho food festival. I had to wait half an hour for my weekly cod and chips from Slatefell chippy this week because of all these interlopers from up The Moor and Riverdale coming up to gods country, the New Houses, and taking all our fish. If I was a french fisherman I’d have scopped a load of rocks at them.”

Not all Cockermouth residents are upset about the food festival coming back to Cockermouth. Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, is incredibly excited “It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Comedy in a tent, a Michelin star pop up restaurant, Prosecco following, fois gras coming out of our gunnels. If people are desperate for their fast food fix, they can change the habits of a lifetime and walk.”

Recounting her earlier Taste Whitehaven controversy, Ms. Christensen added “Oh and to be free to express ones hatred of all things fruit, sugar and pectin. I have a custom made sequin top emblazoned with “I don’t like jam” on it. Take that Whitehaven. The proper food festival has arrived.”

Taste Cumbria food festival in Cockermouth takes place this Saturday and Sunday.

New Workington Hotel Tribute to Steelworks

ALLERDALE PLANNERS this week approved planning permission for a multi-million pound hotel and leisure development in Workington which is a fitting tribute the the industrial and social history of the town.

The Travelodge, Costa and Marstons development has paid homage to Workington as a town of steel by taking inspiration for the design from a full height Isofreight container.

Local architectural aficionado Sebastian Brokenshire has lauded the design; “The cubist, brutalist design is a perfect juxtaposition to the neo-gothic St. Michael's, the gaudiesque near run down half completed Workington Town Rugby League ground and the sodding eyesore that is Perry’s Palace.”

An artists impression of the Isofreight/Prison tribute

“Taking inspiration from the steel box in the design is inspired” added the near frothing with excitement Brokenshire, “and its resemblance to a prison will provide some comfort for all those Workington residents, and Allerdale councillors, who have spent time inside.”

Cockermouth resident Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, did not share Brokenshire’s enthusiasm; “Going to Workington is already offensive enough on the eyes without having to look at a monstrosity that looks like the bastard love child of an isofreight and a prison.”

Allerdale Borough Council were not available for comment. A spokesperson adding, “look this is another one of those AIP deals - yeah it looks like a box, but it’s nicer than that derelict red blotch on the landscape next door. Let’s just hope we can get that new stadium sorted out so the tens of spectators of Town and the Reds have somewhere nice to sit and question their life choices while their team inevitably gets beat.”

MARYPORT DEATH STAR FUNDING ROW

MARYPORT COUNCILLORS are being accused of misleading the public over who has paid for an art installation known locally as the “Maryport Death Star”.

The installation on Maryport harbour side has left locals wondering how much it cost local taxpayers as whether it has a sinister undertone.

“Well it looks like the bloody Death Star” said Maryport local Phil McCracken, “a Death Star made of stainless steel and lit up like a bloody Christmas tree. The only thing Maryport about it is them flags - they look like they’ve been installed by a lad frae bangla whose had too much from his magic herb garden.”

Town councillors were at odds to reassure the public that Maryport residents had not paid for the installation. According to our sources, a hoodie clad blood stained tissue laden nostriled, Coun Peter Kendall, told Maryport Town Council this week that “Maryport residents haven’t paid for the new Maryport monument - it was funded by Allerdale.”

Coun McCarron-Holmes (left) and Coun Peter Kendall officially open the Maryport Death Star (only one is wearing a costume)

Local Government expert and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher contacted The Cockermouth Standard to set the record straight; “It’s a disgrace! Misleading the taxpayers like this, of course Maryport folk paid for the stainless steel Death Star - if the money came from Allerdale - it will have been paid for by the people of Allerdale and last time I checked Maryport hadn’t declared itself an independent republic?”

The £9000 artwork is currently subject to a naming competition being run on social media outlet Fyassbewk. Phil McCracken has made his own suggestion for a name stating “Well I do think that the Maryport Death Star is pretty apt, you can totally see Coun McCarron-Holmes as a shoe in for Emperor Palpatine, but we all know what it really should be called - The Kendall Ball-Gag.”

Town Idiot Blasts Tour of Britain

MISERABLE MAN OF QUESTIONABLE PARENTAGE David Felcher has caused outrage amongst Cockermouth Fyassbewk users after ranting furiously the The Tour of Britain has destroyed the town. 

“It’s a disgrace!” lambasts the mutton chopped Felcher, “this so called cycling event snarling up the town, closing all the roads, disrupting the day to day lives of Cockermouthians who want to ditch their car outside the bookies on Station Street to put their 10p each way Yankee on. The only pleasure I have in this otherwise miserable existence. And I can’t even do that because of some bloody offcomers coming in with their barriers and stages for some push bikes. It’s not as though it’s a proper sport?! They wouldn’t close Main Street for Rugby League would they? Disgrace.”

The Tour of Britain transformed Cockermouth and the majority of Cumbria this week as the best of the worlds cyclists descended on the area to tackle the Cumbrian hills and take in the scenery. Stage 5, starting from Cockermouth Main Street, saw the first ever team time trial, with the cyclists racing to the visitors centre at Whinlatter via Lorton in 20 minutes.

Speed. I am speed. 

“And don’t even get me started on how dangerous this cycling lark is” continued Felcher, “I couldn’t get from Cockermouth to Whinlatter in 20 minutes in my car. How someone wasn’t killed is beyond me.”

Local businesses have rejoiced from the positive coverage of Cockermouth on television screens around the world. Cockermouth Traders Club spokesman Jonathan Smurfit took to Deekaboot lamenting on the benefits to the town “Yes there is nowhere to park on Main Street but the place is buzzing. People are in the shops. The town is now on the map again and not for being under 7ft of water. This is a great day for Cockermouth and Cockermouth businesses. Oh to be alive! And that Geraint Thomas in his Lycra has really drawn in the crowds! He won the Tour de France you say? Who knew? Look at those thighs...”

But the benefits of The Tour on the Cumbrian economy were lost on David Felcher, “two days they’ve closed Cockermouth because of these push bikes?! At least when it’s closed for that poncy Taste Cumbria lark I can get mesell a pint of Jennings, a brace of pheasant and a decent pie. The only thing I can get from these push bikes is a crick in the neck as they whizz past at 50 mile an hour. Why aren’t the police doing them for speeding?! It’s one rule for us....”

A spokesperson for The Tour of Britain was not available for comment, saying “This Felcher bloke obviously needs to get a life and a job.”