Town Takeaways Takings Tumble Thanks to Taste Cumbria

COCKERMOUTH TAKEAWAYS are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight as a result of the Taste Cumbria road closures that came into force yesterday morning. 

Taste Cumbria is the jewel in the crown of Cockermouth events, with many thousands of people expected to descend on the town over the weekend to sample the fanciful fare and imbibe the finest beers, gins, ales and prosecco.

However, Jonathan Smurfit from the Cockermouth Traders Club has seen that the food festival has had an unintended impact on the towns takeaways “Our members in the convenience food sector are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight compared to a normal Friday”

“As a result of all the road closures, the towns fatties cannot park directly outside their favourite Friday night fried food vendor. It’s across the town, Lees, Main Street chippy, Diamond, Pedro, Alternative, Little Basil, Bamboo, Full House, Fiza Spice, Chattanooga, all reporting a plunge in takings. The exception being Slatefell Chippy, who have reported record takings and traffic jams from all the towns rotunda descending on the shop as they can park right outside.”

Taste Cumbria Food Festival returns to Cockermouth

Local curmudgeon and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher once again mounted his high horse “It’s a disgrace!” exclaimed type-2 diabetes suffer Felcher, “it’s our god given right to enjoy a Friday night takeaway only for this to be taken away because of this posho food festival. I had to wait half an hour for my weekly cod and chips from Slatefell chippy this week because of all these interlopers from up The Moor and Riverdale coming up to gods country, the New Houses, and taking all our fish. If I was a french fisherman I’d have scopped a load of rocks at them.”

Not all Cockermouth residents are upset about the food festival coming back to Cockermouth. Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, is incredibly excited “It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Comedy in a tent, a Michelin star pop up restaurant, Prosecco following, fois gras coming out of our gunnels. If people are desperate for their fast food fix, they can change the habits of a lifetime and walk.”

Recounting her earlier Taste Whitehaven controversy, Ms. Christensen added “Oh and to be free to express ones hatred of all things fruit, sugar and pectin. I have a custom made sequin top emblazoned with “I don’t like jam” on it. Take that Whitehaven. The proper food festival has arrived.”

Taste Cumbria food festival in Cockermouth takes place this Saturday and Sunday.