“It’s a disgrace!” lambasts the mutton chopped Felcher, “this so called cycling event snarling up the town, closing all the roads, disrupting the day to day lives of Cockermouthians who want to ditch their car outside the bookies on Station Street to put their 10p each way Yankee on. The only pleasure I have in this otherwise miserable existence. And I can’t even do that because of some bloody offcomers coming in with their barriers and stages for some push bikes. It’s not as though it’s a proper sport?! They wouldn’t close Main Street for Rugby League would they? Disgrace.”
The Tour of Britain transformed Cockermouth and the majority of Cumbria this week as the best of the worlds cyclists descended on the area to tackle the Cumbrian hills and take in the scenery. Stage 5, starting from Cockermouth Main Street, saw the first ever team time trial, with the cyclists racing to the visitors centre at Whinlatter via Lorton in 20 minutes.
Speed. I am speed.
“And don’t even get me started on how dangerous this cycling lark is” continued Felcher, “I couldn’t get from Cockermouth to Whinlatter in 20 minutes in my car. How someone wasn’t killed is beyond me.”
Local businesses have rejoiced from the positive coverage of Cockermouth on television screens around the world. Cockermouth Traders Club spokesman Jonathan Smurfit took to Deekaboot lamenting on the benefits to the town “Yes there is nowhere to park on Main Street but the place is buzzing. People are in the shops. The town is now on the map again and not for being under 7ft of water. This is a great day for Cockermouth and Cockermouth businesses. Oh to be alive! And that Geraint Thomas in his Lycra has really drawn in the crowds! He won the Tour de France you say? Who knew? Look at those thighs...”
But the benefits of The Tour on the Cumbrian economy were lost on David Felcher, “two days they’ve closed Cockermouth because of these push bikes?! At least when it’s closed for that poncy Taste Cumbria lark I can get mesell a pint of Jennings, a brace of pheasant and a decent pie. The only thing I can get from these push bikes is a crick in the neck as they whizz past at 50 mile an hour. Why aren’t the police doing them for speeding?! It’s one rule for us....”
A spokesperson for The Tour of Britain was not available for comment, saying “This Felcher bloke obviously needs to get a life and a job.”
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