CAMPAIGNERS MADNESS THAT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON BARGAINS STORE

LOCAL CAMPAIGNER and keyboard warrior Amanda Freeloader has been shocked this week after discovering some people in Cockermouth night not actually want the town to be besmirched by out of town discount retailers. 

In a series of increasingly incredulous Fyassbewk comments on a rival news outlets page, Miss. Freeloader couldn’t believe that not everyone shares her view that Cockermouth needs a retailer of discount goods on the outskirts of the market town.

“I couldn’t believe what I was reading”, exclaimed a bewildered and angry Freeloader, “it is literal madness not to want free and easy access to such bargains. I thought everyone in the town agreed with me, I mean our Maud and young Paula were encouraging me to get this petition out in support of B&M and everyone on new houses that I spoke to outside Windmill Fisheries were all for the B&M.”

“You can imagine my shock when seeing on Fyassbewk that a load of, obviously offcomers to the town, didn’t want a B&M. I am sick to my back teeth of these B&Moaners going against the will of the people. Local people. People whose families go back in Cockermouth to the dawn of time. These offcomers with their fancy houses and flash motors - not proper Cockermouthians - who cares what they think.”

Miss. Freeloaders petition has had many tens of signatures supporting a B&M 

These views are not shared by Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands who is opposed to the Bargains and the Madness.

“It’s simply not true that all indigenous Cockermouthians want a B&M!” stated Cath Kidson emblazoned Ms. Christensen, “my family go back generations in this town and my views are as valid as some lazy oik from the New Houses! To have my family heritage called into question just because I married a man I met whilst studying at Cambridge is disgraceful. I object to being termed a B&Moaner - I’m a local taxpayer and I’m entitled to air my views on any social media platform I see fit!”

Local councillor and serial busybody Jeremy Crackpot was quick to rise to the defence of Miss. Freeloader’s position, “Frankly this application should have been approved the first time, and the second time. We are not happy with not getting the answer we want, so we will keep encouraging the developer to apply for this store until the planning committee are whipped into shape. We need to make sure we get more business rates collected from Cockermouth so we can pay for the nice shiny new stadium that the Labour voting tribes in Workington want and these snobby interloapers can piss off. We are having a B&M and that is that.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale BC was not available for comment, stating “Look, we are still shredding documents about the stadium before that Mark Jenkinson bloody requests them. We wore out our new redacting crayons and can’t run the risk. As for this B&M, the planning committee can’t be predetermined in their views unless they are whipped into shape which never happens ever. Our diligent councillors always make their own independent conclusions, never fall asleep in meetings and are never prodded to remember which way to vote. But we look forward to welcoming B&M to Cockermouth soon.”

“IT WOULD BE MADNESS TO REFUSE THESE BARGAINS” SAYS LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE

LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher has expressed his unwavering support for the re-submitted B&M planning application. The controversial development - the most devisive issue to hit Cockermouthians since the Great Cumberland Sausage debate of 1809 - will be in front of Allerdale planners soon. 

In a series of late-night, obviously Jennings fuelled, Fyassbewk posts Felcher made his position on the matter quite clear. “It’s a disgrace!” lamented half-cut Felcher, “These plans have been rejected once by the liberal bourgeoise of Allerdale planning with no consideration whatsoever for the retired working-class salt-of-the-earth man like me who needs shops like B&M to dispatch our Deirdre too so I can watch the football in peace. Do they not know how dear Aldi is? B&M all the way for me. Selfish, toffee-nosed, bastards!”

Feelings have been running high in the town, with an obvious divide emerging between the New Houses and Parklands brigade on the issue. A petition has been established for a “People’s Vote” to settle the issue amongst Cockermothians disgusted that the democratic will of the people isn’t being heard.

A selection of B&M fayre intended to satisfy the Cockermouth poshos

“We need a People’s Vote to ensure that the views of the ordinary working man and woman are heard loud and clear” states Windmill Lane resident Amanda Freeloader, “the unrepresentative planning committee need to know that the people of Cockermouth want freedom of movement to our discount retailers without having to get a bus. I’ve been after a new Corona telly cabinet for ages and I don’t want to have to pay ower the odds for it! My Universal Credit hardly covers my Sky-Q subscription as it is, let alone the cost of my Benson and Hedges since the government pushed the prices up. My petition is clear, our red lines are drawn around the B&M logo and we want them to come to Cockermouth!”

But not all Cockermouth residents share the view of Ms. Freeloader, with Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands leading the Vote Local Elections Are Very Exhausting, or Vote LEAVE campaign against the People’s Vote - “the democratic will of the people must be respected in this negotiation and the residents of Cockermouth who sit in the upper 52% of average earnings don’t want our beautiful town besmirched by yet another discount retailer that should be based in Workington, Maryport or somewhere else equally oikish like Seaton.”

Ms. Christensen has garnered support from Jonathan Smurfit, spokesman for Cockermouth Traders Club who stared “Cockermouth Traders have had enough. Not only are we at our wits end about some bell-end smashing our windows, but now we have to see off the threat of B&M again? We have had enough. Do people not realise that free-market capitalism only works if you don’t let competition into the town?! How are businesses that sell high quality toys, hardware and general food stuffs supposed to compete with B&M’s bargain basement pricing? These out of town shopping centres are bad enough, but one that will actually shatter our near monopolies in the town? That’s a step too far.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson told The Cockermouth Standard “Look we have only just finished our course on ‘How to redact confidential commercial documents that obviously support the Workington Stadium and jam-factory.’ We don’t have time to meddle in the dealings of Cockermouth, I mean there’s an election coming and we need to make sure we get all the tribes distracted by a shiny new stadium so they don’t notice how much we are putting their council tax up by.”

EXCLUSIVE - STADIUM JAM FACTORY AMBITIONS REVEALED

DESPARATE COUNCIL OFFICIALS have revealed that the bill for controversial £25M Workington Community stadium is going to rise by another £10M to fund an adjoining jam factory.

Rival news outlets revealed this week that redacted documents published by Allerdale Borough Council showed that the cost of the stadium, known locally as “Fryer’s Folly”, has sky rocketed by £10M to pay for Sellafield offices and an NHS facility. Allerdale BC, who redacted the documents with crayons, also tried to hide assumptions showing that Workington Town would need to be in Super League within 5 years and that Workington Reds would have to improve substantially beyond their current standard of shit, to have any chance of recouping the £25M of taxpayers investment.

The Cockermouth Standard can exclusively reveal that in another redesign the council is proposing to borrow another £10m to build an adjoining jam factory, hopefully creating 500 jobs and providing significant environmental benefits to the area.

An artists impression of Fryer’s Folly Community Stadium and Jam Factory

Local treehugger and nuclear and coal mining protester Ms. Candida Underarm welcomes the authorities move “Construction of a jam factory in Workington will result in significant reductions in carbon emissions resulting from taking over 900 lorries off the road per week bringing Workington and Whitehaven’s primary food source from factories in the midlands and abroad. Finally, some investment in this area that doesn’t involve atoms or coal or any of the industries that actually provide west Cumbrians with jobs or hope for the future. Allerdale should be applauded for accelerating our vision for west Cumbria to be a desolate economic wasteland.”

Pigeon enthusiast and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher is less enthusiastic about the scheme. “It’s a disgrace” spouts rosacea nosed Felcher, “not only is this stadium excluding speedway and pigeon fanciers but now is a shrine for the west Cumbria Labour Holy Trinity of Nuclear, the NHS and jam?! And who is going to end up paying the bill for these 45 regular spectators of rugby and questionable football to have posh seats? It’s going to be the hardworking retired Cockermouthian ratespayers.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson said “Look we are busy. We have all been sent on a how to create PDFs without disclosing confidential commercial assumptions in the background course. The crayons have been worn down to the stub! Frankly all this fuss is much ado about nowt - who doesn’t like jam?!”