Blue lidded bins have been delivered to householders in anticipation of a change to recycling collections from April 1st, but residents are reporting that they don’t know what in God’s name is going on.
“It’s a disgrace!” laments token mouthpiece David Felcher, “my house is full of plastics, card, tins and bottles because I don’t know when I’m supposed to start using my paper bin for recycling, that blue lidded bin for paper and card and when those purple bags aren’t needed anymore. People have been accusing me of hoarding like that Mr. Trebus off Life of Grime. Let me tell you, the only grime I’m into is that Stormzy lad. Yeah, even old decrepit sticks in the mud like me can get into some banging beats blud.”
Whilst the preparations made by the council and their waste management contractors have gone relatively hitch free, the masses are still taking to Fyassbewk to ask “am I still using my purple sacks” and state whether their new blue bins have been delivered like some sort of post-Brexit badge of honour.
“I’m delighted by my blue lidded bin!” gushes token posho Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands. “I had to pay a fortune for my custom blue wheelie bin for my general refuse and garden waste. Lime green is such a putrid colour. Black and blue is so in vogue for 2019, it reminds of the colour scheme of a Labour councillor bullied into submission that a £100M PFI for a stadium is a good idea. So on trend.”
But even moderate council supporter Ms. Christensen asked The Standard, “now do you know if I start filling my new bin with all my back issues of The Cockermouth Curiousity? I buy it for its extra absorbency for the cat litter tray. That’s recycling at its very best. Much better than trying to read the drivel anyway!”
An Allerdale spokesperson was unavailable for comment on the new recycling regime stating “Look, we are busy making sure that the Glorious Leader and his not at all bullying deputy get their way to have a new stadium in Workington to bother with day-to-day bothersome things like bins. I mean don’t people realise that’s not what this council is about? We need to ensure we get this investment secured so people don’t realise that the stadium won’t be fully funded by the taxpayer. We are doing our best to make sure that no one realises that Sellafield and the NHS are funded by taxes so whichever way you look at it, the taxpayer will end up paying for The Jam Factory. So, the bin change is a useful decoy - distract the masses with paper recycling so we can stiff them for £100million. It’s just like the good old days!”
A spokesperson for the Allerdale Conservatives was available for comment, but everyone is sick of hearing from Coun Mark Jenkinson now that they would rather listen to endless debate on the Irish Backstop whilst being drilled through their cranium with a rusty drill-bit.
Allerdale Labour Party were also available for comment, but all they wanted to do was bang on about food banks and how the Tories wanted to build a stadium without a pitch.
Allerdale Independents were also available for comment - but no one seriously cares what they say.
Disclaimer - The Cockermouth Standard is very responsible about adhering to Purdah guidance for political balance, despite Allerdale Council conveniently ignoring such things when it involves the words “stadium”, “vanity project” and “it isn’t even in the council plan you bloody morons.”
No comments:
Post a Comment