The cast of councillors was led ably in the starring role of Snow Money by Coun Barbie Cannonballs who declared that “There’s snow money left! The evil witch of the east Theresa Comewhatmay stole all our golden coins, so now we will have to borrow even more from the magic money tree if we are going to balance the books, build the magic stadium and find my Prince Charming!”
Snow Money was often interrupted in her financial declarations by The Ugly Sisters, roles no doubt typecast for Coun Alan Gollygosh and Coun Tony AnRAFman who sniped and bickered throughout the panto to raucous laughter from the assembled crowd of eleven who turned up.
“Typical of my ugly sister Tony, he knows there’s Snow Money and he doesn’t want the evil Taxsnatcher to be able to take lots of gold coins off the Seven People Who Are a Little Bit Short this week. Your budget is a fairytale! You’re making it all up!” Declared Ugly Sister Gollygosh.
“Oh no I’m not!” Recoiled Ugly Sister AnRAFMan, “Everyone in the village has had enough of the evil Taxsnatcher taking their hard earned gold coins. All that you and Snow Money want to do is take their money and spend it on a quest to find the magic stadium at the end of the rainbow!”
But Snow Money had enough of The Ugly Sisters bickering and ran away, confident that her fiscal prowess would see her through. On her journey she bumped into the Seven People Who Are a Little Short This Week.
Agast, Snow Money played amazingly by Coun Cannonball declared “Wait a minute! I thought you were supposed to be the Seven Dwarves!”
Horrified, the Seven People Who are a Little Bit Short This Week explained to Snow Money the errors of her ways.
“We have passed a motion unanimously that such disability discrimination should be stopped!” yawned Sleepy, played by Coun Billy Mispelly.
“Yes, the evil Taxsnatcher has discriminated against us for far too long. We don’t want him to take anymore of our gold coins. Coins the people of Moorclose have had taken off them for far too long!” shouted Sneezy, played by Coun Stephen SpitTheDog.
The bickering was interrupted by a musical number sang by Coun Adrian Doesn’t-Turnup who played Doc, “I think the evil Taxsnatcher, Snow Money and the Ugliest of The Ugly sisters all need to realise that........ I’ve got a degree and they should listen to me! There isn’t a magic money tree. The magic stadium will not come for free, stop this nonsense and vote Tory!”
“I’m sick of these Tories!” Declared Dopey, played by Coun Tony LieWood, “they all have Munchkin disease. They would drop a house on your head only to steal your shoes and try and rescue you but all the cuts to the NHS would mean that despite a house being dropped on your head that you would die!”
“Booooo!” came the roars from the delighted audience as Grumpy, played by Coun Alan Bitcher, stood up to tell Dopey off “How do you not know that people in my family don’t have Munchkin disease? We have just passed a motion saying disability discrimination is abhorrent! Now you claim Tories all have Munchkin disease, a serious mental illness. Not only are you Dopey, you’re a disgraceful Person Who is a Little Bit Short This Week.”
The supporting cast of People Who Are a Little Bit Short This Week was augmented by Coun John Crouched playing Happy, and Coun Nicky Knobscorch, ironically playing Bashful.
Snow Money continued on her quest to find her Prince Charming, only to be confronted by the evil Taxsnatcher, phenomenonally played by Coun Mark Fryer Tuck-all-the-money. “Make sure you get all the golden coins off everyone in the village Snow Money. Shake the magic money tree and make sure you get all the gold so we can build the magic stadium and jam mine. We will take all the tax we can!!”
The Evil Queen, played by Coun Carni McBoat-Face, caught up with Snow Money and made her take a bite of the poisoned apple. Sadly, the magic mirror was cut from the panto late in the day as they kept on shattering. The Evil Queen was swept away atop her trusty steed, the pantomime horse, front end played by Coun Michael Heslipped and the back end played by Coun Mark Facebookson, who took to Fyassbewk (again), to express his disgust at the casting.
“The process for picking roles for the Allerdale Panto is shrouded in secrecy and corruption. I call on the chief exec to have open auditions. Typical Labour waste.” ranted Coun Facebookson on Fyassbewk.
The hero of the panto, Prince Charming was delightfully played by Coun Konrad Handsome, who delighted the audience with his heartfelt monalogue expressing how he won’t be able to take part in future pantos after he had been deselected by Momentum.
Thankfully for all of us, Coun Handsome avoided this panto becoming a tragedy by not kissing Snow Money. But the budget still passed to the delight of the evil Taxsnatcher and all the villagers will have to part with more of their golden coins to pay for the magic stadium and to plant the magic money tree.
Thank goodness this farce only comes round once a year. No stars.
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