Allerdale BC revealed their updated business case for the stadium this week, in advance of the Labour Executive approving the plans before the upcoming May elections. In these documents, superbly redacted with their new crayons, they reveal that private investors will fund the development in return for a 50-year guaranteed yield hire purchase scheme that is in no way at all a Private Finance Initiative or PFI. The total cost of this arrangement to Allerdale Taxpayers will be £95M.
The Cockermouth Standard can exclusively reveal that the investors are none other than disgraced Wonga puppets Betty, Joyce and Earl.
“After Wonga went into administration, we needed somewhere to stash all the millions we took off some of the poorest people in society”, explained heartless octogenarian Earl, “we were used to charging exorbitant interest rates to people who would not otherwise get credit. When we heard of this hair-brained scheme to build an 8,000 seat stadium for the thronging crowds of Workington, and quadruple our money - we were more than happy to oblige!”
Rumours are circulating that key Allerdale assets are being put up as collateral to secure the Wonga-style PFI deal, with Workington Hall, Allerdale House and the keys to Coun McCarron-Holmes’ final horcrux being offered as tangible assets.
“They offered the Maryport Wave as collateral for the £25M investment”, explains biscuit-biting Betty, “and I had to tell that lovely Alan Smith fellow that while I maybe a puppet, I’m not a bleeding muppet!”
The reaction from members of the public have been mixed, with Fyassbewk forums ablaze with critique of the new deal.
“A Labour council signing up for another long-term PFI deal, when will they ever learn?”, lamented Allerdale Momentum spokesperson Poppy Sanders-Smyth, “come the glorious revolution when Comrade Corbyn takes control and mandatory electro-shock therapy makes everyone realise that property is theft, we will reinstate the gulags and have these communities build the much needed stadia for public floggings and recitals of the communist manifesto. Viva la Revolution!”
More extreme views were aired by token Tory toss-pot Xander Dickensian-Montague via Fyassbewk, “Another Labour council spending hard earned taxpayers money on vanity projects when we have more pressing issues facing the area and indeed the country. Borrowing money from elderly puppets at extortionate interest rates, this is going to place an unbelievable financial burden on our children and our children’s-children, and we have been trying our damndest to do this ourselves by forcing a no-deal Brexit.”
A spokesperson for Allerdale BC was not available for comment stating “Look, there’s an election coming up, so we can hide behind this thing called “Purdah” when we want to now whenever there are any hard questions or anything. It’s magical! Yes, we will only apply this when it suits, and, yes we are still going to let the executive burden whoever wins in May with a £95M fifty-year liability despite it being completely in contradiction to the Purdah rules, but we have to get this through before the Tories and the Indies ditch the stadium for something more sensible, like free bum-scratchers for all! Actually, that’s what we are planning next year. So don’t print that. Or I’ll get the Chief Exec to shout at your editor again.”
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