Maryport Wave Centre S&M Dungeon Plan

A WASTE OF PUBLIC MONEY is set to be repurposed as a dedicated sadomasochistic haven The Cockermouth Standard has learned.

Following last weeks exclusive that an Allerdale BC health and safety report recommended that Coun Peter “Captain Boredom” Kendall will be forced to wear a “standard issue gimp mask incorporating ball-gag” to “prevent Coun Kendall from speaking for more than 30 seconds in case someone recalls the experience on their drive home and falls asleep at the wheel”, it seems that Maryport Town Council have got a taste for all things leather, restrains, whips and chains.

Coun Kendall has revealed that Maryport Town Council are considering taking control of the towns Wave Centre from Allerdale BC. The Wave, which taxpayers fund to the tune of £106,000 per year, is home to Clip n Climb, a pretty useless so called theatre and a cafe that no one uses any more.

The Cockermouth Standard has learned from leaked Maryport Town Council papers that it seems someone has got a taste for the ball-gag; “We will repurpose Clip n’ Climb for evening adult entertainment. The climbing harnesses and ropes being repurposed as restraints for the BDSM community.”

The sensational report states that an investment of £7,500 per year will be made on “whips, chains, baby wipes and a high end televisual experience for those sick puppies who really want to be punished.”

The televisual experience will be the highlight of The Wave sex dungeon - the most depraved and painful experience anyone will endure. Similar in nature to the brainwashing scene from A Clockwork Orange, victims will be forced to watch Coun Kendall and Coun McCarron-Holmes engage in a gruelling 4 hour long debate on how to “Make Maryport Great Again”.

Making Maryport Great Again - The Wave a Centre of Sadomasochism?

Man of the people and local curmudgeon David Felcher fully supports the ambitious plan “This is a disgrace! But of the right kind. I applaud Maryport Town Council taking this on. They’ll save the rest of us a load of cash and give the discerning enthusiast of whips, chains, ball gags and socialist bullshit from the 1980’s somewhere to enjoy such activities in the comfort of their own gimp mask.”

“I heard that Coun Kendall is a glutton for punishment. I mean he spoke at Development Panel this week on three planning applications all for them to go against him - he definitely must enjoy painful experiences.”

Mr. Felcher had some words of encouragement for those in the community who feel that such a venue may negatively effect the town; “Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. BDSM is like Pringles - once your asshole pops; you can’t stop.”

Spit Hoods and Gimp Masks to be Deployed at Allerdale BC

SAFETY CONSCIOUS council officials have endorsed a controversial set of recommendations to keep members of the public safe from elected councillors The Cockermouth Standard has learned.

In a leaked Health and Safety Report, Allerdale Borough Council officers have decided to enforce the mandatory wearing of personal protective equipment by two leading community figures following complaints and as a result of a conviction.

The sensational leaked report recommends that “following the recent conviction of Coun Stephen Stoddart for assaulting another councillor by means of spitting and wagging his finger ‘ferociously’ the authority must protect its staff, members and the public from potential reoccurrence. A risk assessment concludes that the potential for and impact of the spread of disease outweighs other issues. Therefore Coun Stoddart must don a Standard issue spit hood and Chinese finger trap whilst on Allerdale BC premises.”

A spokesperson for the Moorclose councillor stated that “this is once again victimisation of Stephen by the Labour Party mafia that runs Allerdale. All Stephen has done is stand up for his community. Show that there’s nothing going on in Moorclose for the youngsters anymore, except the boxing club and bowling club and cinema. He has successfully petitioned for a Moorclose Brexit. He is a man of his word. He will literally spit in the face of anyone who stands in his way.”

However it is not just Coun Stephen “Spit the Dog” Stoddart that will have to turn up to Allerdale Council meetings wearing a plastic face-covering, Coun Peter “Captain Boredom” Kendall will be forced to wear a “standard issue gimp mask incorporating ball-gag.”

“Spit the Dog” and “Captain Boredom” PPE

“Following a complaint from a member of the public that Coun Peter Kendall’s speeches were ‘monotonous and irrelevant at best’ The University of Central Manchester were commissioned to undertake a study of the effects of Coun Kendall’s speeches on independent observers” states the side-splittingly accurate Health and Safety report.

The University of Central Manchester study found that “once subjected to over three minutes of off-subject reminiscing of the ‘good old days’ in Coun Kendall’s monotone monologues, the likelihood of a listener to fall asleep, pass out from boredom or literally lose the will to actually live increases by 5000%. We recommend that Allerdale BC take necessary preventative measures to prevent Coun Kendall from speaking for more than 30 seconds in case someone recalls the experience on their drive home and falls asleep at the wheel. The consequences could be catastrophic.”

Allerdale Borough Council were approached to comment on the leaked report, but sadly no one was available for comment. A spokesperson said “Look, I told you before, we have just come back from a taxpayers funded jolly in Manchester and we had one too many mojitos down Castlefield. Can you bother us next week when this 5 day hangover has had chance to subside? But yeah - spitty and captain boredom are a fucking liability - and I can’t wait to sneak a selfie when they turn up to the next full council meeting.”

Grass Cutting Petition Controversy

NEW HOUSES RESIDENTS are up in arms after a local mans petition calling on the government to adopt new housing estates communal areas reached its 10,000 signature target. 

Rent an opinion and self professed man of the people David Felcher took to Fyassbewk and Twatter to exclaim his disgust at local councillor Adrian Davis-Johnston’s petition: “It’s a disgrace! This Tory twat already has it all and now wants us decent, hard working, salt of the earth, claimers of Universal Credit to pay for his grass to get cut?! Well he can get stuffed.”

The petition calling for local authorities to take on the maintenance of communal areas on private estates has exceeded a 10,000 signature level meaning the government has to formally respond.

A pain in the Grass?

Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, fully supports the campaign “The girls at the bi-weekly prosecco, Fois Gras and literature club have all signed this fantastic petition. All of us on The Parklands have to pay over £700 per year for our bushes trimmed and they don’t even do half decent topiary!”

“Meanwhile the oiks on the so-called ‘New Houses’ get everything paid for them. Grass-cutting. Rent. Sky Sports. While here we are struggling on a combined household income of £120k per year. I won’t even be able to afford a third holiday to the algarve this year. We are struggling to make ends meet! Mr. Christensen might only be able to afford a BMW X3, the humiliation of not having an X5.”

Sympathy is running low with David Felcher, however “Oiks they call us do they?! Well I know where I’ll be walking my three Rotties this week and I won’t be taking any nappy bags let me tell you now!”

An increasingly honey glazed Felcher added “These interlopers need to pay for their own grass to be cut. They have no idea how hard life can be. Struggling on £120k per year? They want to try and live on Foodbanks - some of that stuff is barely even edible - once I accidentally ate dog food - it was French ‘Fois Gras’ which my mate Harold told me meant ‘Fat Dog’. These people. If you don’t like it, feck off back to Essex or Cheshire or wherever it is they come from.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council, who would be required to adopt the private estates land should the government accept the petition, was unavailable for comment saying “Look, we have all just come back from a banging taxpayer funded jolly to Manchester and I’ve got a splitting headache - can you not come back next week?”

Allerdale Council Starts Children’s Theatre Company

CASH-STRAPPED Allerdale Borough Council have announced that they have established a children’s theatre company in a hope to boost their coffers. 

Launched at the Allerdale Days event in Manchester, the troupe “Al and the Dales” will tour schools, sports halls and village fetes performing elaborate issues based theatre for under 12s.

In an exclusive for The Cockermouth Standard, Allerdale Council Leader and Cockermouth Labour Councillor Alan Smith said “It’s always been an ambition of mine to tread the boards. As an ex-steel worker, theatre is in my blood - why do you think The Full Monty was so successful?!”

“But I wasn’t going to strip down to my underkekkers for no one. And given Allerdale’s budget constraints, we have to think of innovative ways to make more money. So we have established Al and the Dales to tour the country to perform issues based theatre for kids.”

Al and the Dales launch in Manchester to a bumper crowd of 3

Al and the Dales will cover topics as diverse as friendship, drugs awareness, the political musings of Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell and the virtues of neo-socialist collectivism. Billed as a family friendly show full of music, laughter and dancing, Al and the Dales will controversially attempt to explain how selling of council assets through the Allerdale Investment Partnership is a great idea through the medium of interpretive dance.

“Well no one bloody understands it do they?” added Coun Smith, “so we have had that Craig Revell-Horwood choreograph an interpretive dance routine to explain how flogging land off with this offshore lot makes the council shed loads of cash. We even have Coun Fryer lined up to play the panto dame! Oh no we haven’t?! Oh yes we have.”

The announcement of the new initiative has been met with distain in some quarters with opposition councillors lining up to criticise the new troupe. Conservative councillor Mark Jenkinson took immediately to Fyassbewk to attack the idea “It’s just this kind of waste that we have to come to expect from the Labour administration. Where were the open auditions?! I know I would have made a better back end of the panto horse than Coun Cannon! I will be FOI requesting the council to expose the selection process and costs to taxpayers. We have a right to know!”

In response, Coun Smith said “Typical Coun Jenkinson. If he came to some meetings that we held in private that he wasn’t invited to he would have known all about it. This scheme will make money. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to pay to see me and Christine doing the Argentinian Tango in a scene about social media trolling? I know I would!”

Al and the Dales will be appearing at local events throughout the country soon.

Support Group Established for Struggling School Holiday Parents

FRUSTRATED PARENTS can now find an hours respite at a newly established support group as the school holidays enter their third week.

Cockermouth busy-body and amateur psychologist Ms. Belinda Chadwick has established “Safe Parenting” to help people cope with the arduous six-week childcare marathon.

“At the beginning of week three, children basically turn into ungrateful little bell-ends” explains the flowery Chadwick, “Parents’ anxieties start to come to the surface as they realise that all the crafts, activities and days out they had planned for the holidays either require the bank account of a lottery winner or the patience of Jesus Christ himself.”

“I have established ‘Safe Parenting’ as a support group for struggling parents. Those who after trying to communicate with a mid primary schooler who is glued to ‘Ryan Toys Review’ on their iPad. Those who have teenagers that refuse to participate in any of the fun activities they had planned unless it involves having to remortgage the house. Those new parents that soon discover what ratty little bastards they have procreated because they can’t get to sleep because of the heat and never fucking ending sunshine - ‘Safe Parenting’ is for them.”

Established as an area ‘bereft of Peppa Pig, Ben and Holly and that fucking stupid bastard chicken from Paw Patrol’ - the group has already had over 15,000 likes on Fyassbewk as parents struggle to come to terms with the loss of their free time, personal space and ability to have a shit without being bothered by some fucking toddler.

Mum of three, Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, is grateful of the support she has been given, explaining “I had the whole six-weeks mapped out for my little darlings. I have used five accrued days from site, my mother and father have chipped in, and Mr. Christensen has a couple of accrued days planned for after the bank holidays. Everything was going so well.”

“We have all three boys booked in on Chance Camp and Complete Football Coaching for a couple of days too - even though I had to sell a kidney to pay for it.”

“But after non-stop complaining, Peppa Pig teaching my boys how to be an upstanding proper arsehole and the non stop enthusiasm of those fucking borderline insane CBeebies presenters, I’ve had enough. I snapped. Just as Mr. Tumble for the nine-thousandth time asked for his ‘three special things’ - I reached for mine: gin, tonic and a rather expensive crystal tumbler.”

Gin and Slim - the parent coping strategy of choice

Ms. Chadwick was delighted to give The Cockermouth Standard an exclusive first view at the “Safe Parenting” support centre: “Its basically the back room of Fredericks”, explains a weary Chadwick, “an area bereft of all children and children related paraphernalia. A space where adults can read a book or a newspaper. Sit in delightful silence so they can dick around on their phone in peace. A space where the prosecco, gin and real ales can flow so you can forget what little bastards your little angels have become.”

“The only Peppa Pig item you will find at ‘Safe Parenting’ is our therapeutic jigsaw - cooked up bacon lardons so you can imagine that you are devouring the selfish little bastard. We accompany it with a dollop of HP Sauce - so you can dunk the bitch in a muddy puddle before enjoying a satisfying bacon treat.”

Gammon-enthusiast and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher explains it wasn’t like this in the good old days. “It’s a disgrace!” espouses the beetroot visage of Felcher, “Back in the 80’s when my kids were small we just got on with it. The bloody millenial remoaner snowflake generation have no idea of our struggle. There were only three channels on the telly and we made do with what we had.”

“Of course Parenting was a struggle. We just kicked the little fuckers out of the door with a jam sarnie and thruppence and went off to work. We locked the door. We told our young ones that they needed to make do til tea time. We had to do what we had to do.”

“It was character building” explains the now sombre Felcher, “it was survival of the fittest. Of course some kids got abducted, some got hurt, some got abused. But that was their own fault - we didn’t report such things back in the 70s. If Jimmy Savile came to town to take the kids down the beck - you’d let him take them, he was on telly, he was the last person you would think was a nonce - I mean come on he had a shell suit, a cigar and more gold than gypsy Rose - obviously respectable.”

Ms. Chadwick disagrees with the ever controversial viewpoint of Brexit-champion Felcher, “obviously things were different in the 1970’s but times have changed - women now have a role in life that doesn’t revolve exclusively around the kitchen, men in tracksuits outside of actually doing sports are an immediate red light for danger and kids now demand attention and, thankfully, protection. Sadly one thing has continued from the 70s - kids in the summer holidays turn into little bastards.”

EXCLUSIVE - United Utilities Reveal Reservoir Rain Recovery Strategy

UNITED UTILITIES have announced that the planned hosepipe ban for the North-west of England has been cancelled following recent rainfall.

In an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard, the water company has revealed its plan to avoid the ban involved the use of ancient and controversial methods.

“We basically conned everyone into doing a rain dance”, explains UU spokesperson Lee King-Pipe. “Our long-term weather forecasting model predicted a 90% chance of us having to employ the draconian hose pipe ban tactics to ensure water supplies. So we hatched a plan so cunning in nature, that its cunningness will go down in legend as to how cunning we have been.”

“We engaged with world-renowned experts in voodoo, occult and shamanism to determine the precise required gyrations, thrusts, hand gestures and leaps needed to encourage our sky’s to shed water, rather than beating non-stop sunshine onto us. Just in time for the summer holidays.”

United Utilities Head of Technology Dan Sing-Queen explains how they encouraged everyone to take up the moves; “We worked with an app developer, Epic Games, in an attempt to cajole people into taking up the required black-magic dances. The result, a phenomenal game known as Fortnite.”

Popular with kids and adults alike, the at times controversial game Fortnite can now be revealed as the source of the rain dancing deception, with popular moves such as “The Floss”, “Take the L” and “Orange Justice” being linked to ancient rain encouraging spells from all over the globe.

“The Floss” or “Meinga te ua” - a Maori Rain Dance

World authority in ancient agricultural mysticism Prof. May Kit-Rain told The Cockermouth Standard “The dance craze known as ‘The Floss’ is actually an ancient Maori rain dance called ‘Meinga te ua’ which literally translates as ‘cause rain’. United Utilities approached me for several ancient and at times controversial dances for them to embed in the Fortnite game. I was more than happy to help. No one has spoken to me in at least 38 years. I was getting very lonely.”

Young people from primary school to teenagers have been baffling their elder relatives with the varied gesticulations, with school disco DJs being able to summon the power of the rain dances with simple commands such as “floss”, “take the L”, “jubilation” and “orange justice”.

Asked about the ethics of using children to encourage rainfall, United Utilities spokesman Lee King-Pipe stated that “United Utilities as custodians of the waterways on behalf of our customers take our responsibilities very seriously. To ensure a constant supply we are prepared to go that extra mile, and if that involves getting kids involved in shamanism without their consent, so be it.”

“Take the L” or “Yenza ithole” - a Zulu curse

Prof. May Kit-Rain has expressed some regret at children being targeted in the elavborate plan; “The move known as ‘Take the L’ is actually derived from a Zulu curse ‘Yenza ithole’ which literally translates as ‘make a calf’. The curse is a fertility spell, aimed at making the ground and all the people in the vicinity more fertile. In the short term there are obvious benefits, a great crop yield and healthier fatter wild stock, but there are unfortunate consequences - usually a population boom in the tribe population meaning that the tribes who summon the curse usually end up dying of starvation as they can’t supply enough food to meet the rising demand.”

“Thankfully, this curse doesn’t seem to have happened” added Prof. Kit-Rain.

However, once alerting The Cockermouth Standard to this curse, questions are now being asked of whether a recent product recall for defective Durex condoms could be linked to the curse and local Cockermothians are worried. Father of seven and Windmill Lane resident Mr. Phil Dangers explained that “My wife, my girlfriend and my lover are all bloody pregnant. Four of the kids are all doing this bloody ‘Take the L’ all the time, and all my johnnies keep bursting. Its all very well for you posh readers of The Standard but I did a deal with the social that I could keep my enhanced rate of benefits if I got the snip. Well, I wasn’t going to let some bloody Maryport nurse get hold of my tackle with a laser - and now there are another four kids on the way, the girlfriend is expecting twins!”

Local shopkeepers are devastated by the cancellation of the hosepipe ban. A spokesperson for the Cockermouth Traders Club said “That once it was publicised that smart-arse Phil Braggs was going to keep watering his begonias by popping fast fill water balloons with nerf bullets, we stocked up. Now we have a shed load of unneeded stock. This bloody Fortnite game has cost us a fortune. Curse you United Utilities, curse you to hell!”

Protest Planned to Allow Cars in Cockermouth Cemetery

LAZY COCKERMOUTHIANS are up in arms after finding out that bereaved Workington residents could visit Salterbeck Cemetery in their cars.

Allerdale Borough Council has come under criticism recently from a decision to ban car access at the Salterbeck cemetery, resulting in people having to walk or be pushed in a wheelchair to visit the bereaved.

Local Cockermouth curmudgeon and self-proclaimed man of the people David Felcher is proposing to take direct action. “It’s a disgrace!” exclaimed gammon-faced Felcher, “The people of Cockermouth are having to walk to graves or push loved ones in wheelchairs while the people of Workington get to mourn their bereaved from the comfort of their own cars, not getting pissed down upon from the heavens, probably sitting in heated seats and listening to CFM.”

“Once again, Cockermouth loses out to the Workington centric Allerdale politburo. I am going to be organising a silent protest so we can just show those in charge that the people of Cockermouth - the hard working Cockermouth ratespayers - won’t put up with it anymore.”

Angry Gammon-Man David Felcher

Allerdale Council have said in a statement “Unfortunately in recent years the high number of vehicles driving round the cemetery have damaged the surface of the paths. We’ve also witnessed people driving on graves and nearly hitting pedestrians within the cemetery.”

Two Allerdale Moorclose councillors have started a protest movement to reinstate vehicle access at Salterbeck cemetery.

“These two warriors for common-sense should be lauded as heroes”, explains the boiled-ham Felcher, “Two men standing up for their communities. People of good standing. People who will spit in the faces of those who stand in their way. Standing up for those hard working Workington residents who like me can’t be sodding arsed pushing my fat-arsed mother-in-law around the bloody cemetery in her wheelchair when I could be in the comfort of my own car like a near god, listening to Robbie D and his silly satnav.”

An Allerdale spokesperson was unavailable for comment, saying “Oh for god sake can these morons not get it in their thick skulls that driving over someone’s grave is disrespectful? Its a cemetery not a fucking race track. Salterbeck was an oddity in allowing cars access - no other Allerdale cemetery allows cars. And as for the access problems, we consulted the Allerdale Disability Forum - we received no objections from Workington councillors. Its amazing how these people function in their daily lives. How do they manage to go to the shops? Or the post office? Or the doctors? Or Costa? Do they fucking float?!”

An independent, and in no way made-up poll for The Cockermouth Standard has shown that 99.9% of all respondents recognised that regular car access to cemeteries is “A safety issue and an issue that disrespects both the dead and the bereaved” and supported the Salterbeck ban.

Presented with these hard hitting results, a persistant honey-glazed Felcher hit back “Well I for one am not going to be silenced. I will get to go round that cemetery in a car if its the last thing I do!” The Cockermouth Standard highlighted to Mr. Felcher that this ambition is likely to be realised - if he is buried in Cockermouth cemetery, he will be transported in a car known in the area as a “hearse”. Literally, the last thing he does.