Cockermouth busy-body and amateur psychologist Ms. Belinda Chadwick has established “Safe Parenting” to help people cope with the arduous six-week childcare marathon.
“At the beginning of week three, children basically turn into ungrateful little bell-ends” explains the flowery Chadwick, “Parents’ anxieties start to come to the surface as they realise that all the crafts, activities and days out they had planned for the holidays either require the bank account of a lottery winner or the patience of Jesus Christ himself.”
“I have established ‘Safe Parenting’ as a support group for struggling parents. Those who after trying to communicate with a mid primary schooler who is glued to ‘Ryan Toys Review’ on their iPad. Those who have teenagers that refuse to participate in any of the fun activities they had planned unless it involves having to remortgage the house. Those new parents that soon discover what ratty little bastards they have procreated because they can’t get to sleep because of the heat and never fucking ending sunshine - ‘Safe Parenting’ is for them.”
Established as an area ‘bereft of Peppa Pig, Ben and Holly and that fucking stupid bastard chicken from Paw Patrol’ - the group has already had over 15,000 likes on Fyassbewk as parents struggle to come to terms with the loss of their free time, personal space and ability to have a shit without being bothered by some fucking toddler.
Mum of three, Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, is grateful of the support she has been given, explaining “I had the whole six-weeks mapped out for my little darlings. I have used five accrued days from site, my mother and father have chipped in, and Mr. Christensen has a couple of accrued days planned for after the bank holidays. Everything was going so well.”
“We have all three boys booked in on Chance Camp and Complete Football Coaching for a couple of days too - even though I had to sell a kidney to pay for it.”
“But after non-stop complaining, Peppa Pig teaching my boys how to be an upstanding proper arsehole and the non stop enthusiasm of those fucking borderline insane CBeebies presenters, I’ve had enough. I snapped. Just as Mr. Tumble for the nine-thousandth time asked for his ‘three special things’ - I reached for mine: gin, tonic and a rather expensive crystal tumbler.”
Gin and Slim - the parent coping strategy of choice
Ms. Chadwick was delighted to give The Cockermouth Standard an exclusive first view at the “Safe Parenting” support centre: “Its basically the back room of Fredericks”, explains a weary Chadwick, “an area bereft of all children and children related paraphernalia. A space where adults can read a book or a newspaper. Sit in delightful silence so they can dick around on their phone in peace. A space where the prosecco, gin and real ales can flow so you can forget what little bastards your little angels have become.”
“The only Peppa Pig item you will find at ‘Safe Parenting’ is our therapeutic jigsaw - cooked up bacon lardons so you can imagine that you are devouring the selfish little bastard. We accompany it with a dollop of HP Sauce - so you can dunk the bitch in a muddy puddle before enjoying a satisfying bacon treat.”
Gammon-enthusiast and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher explains it wasn’t like this in the good old days. “It’s a disgrace!” espouses the beetroot visage of Felcher, “Back in the 80’s when my kids were small we just got on with it. The bloody millenial remoaner snowflake generation have no idea of our struggle. There were only three channels on the telly and we made do with what we had.”
“Of course Parenting was a struggle. We just kicked the little fuckers out of the door with a jam sarnie and thruppence and went off to work. We locked the door. We told our young ones that they needed to make do til tea time. We had to do what we had to do.”
“It was character building” explains the now sombre Felcher, “it was survival of the fittest. Of course some kids got abducted, some got hurt, some got abused. But that was their own fault - we didn’t report such things back in the 70s. If Jimmy Savile came to town to take the kids down the beck - you’d let him take them, he was on telly, he was the last person you would think was a nonce - I mean come on he had a shell suit, a cigar and more gold than gypsy Rose - obviously respectable.”
Ms. Chadwick disagrees with the ever controversial viewpoint of Brexit-champion Felcher, “obviously things were different in the 1970’s but times have changed - women now have a role in life that doesn’t revolve exclusively around the kitchen, men in tracksuits outside of actually doing sports are an immediate red light for danger and kids now demand attention and, thankfully, protection. Sadly one thing has continued from the 70s - kids in the summer holidays turn into little bastards.”
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