In an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard, the water company has revealed its plan to avoid the ban involved the use of ancient and controversial methods.
“We basically conned everyone into doing a rain dance”, explains UU spokesperson Lee King-Pipe. “Our long-term weather forecasting model predicted a 90% chance of us having to employ the draconian hose pipe ban tactics to ensure water supplies. So we hatched a plan so cunning in nature, that its cunningness will go down in legend as to how cunning we have been.”
“We engaged with world-renowned experts in voodoo, occult and shamanism to determine the precise required gyrations, thrusts, hand gestures and leaps needed to encourage our sky’s to shed water, rather than beating non-stop sunshine onto us. Just in time for the summer holidays.”
United Utilities Head of Technology Dan Sing-Queen explains how they encouraged everyone to take up the moves; “We worked with an app developer, Epic Games, in an attempt to cajole people into taking up the required black-magic dances. The result, a phenomenal game known as Fortnite.”
Popular with kids and adults alike, the at times controversial game Fortnite can now be revealed as the source of the rain dancing deception, with popular moves such as “The Floss”, “Take the L” and “Orange Justice” being linked to ancient rain encouraging spells from all over the globe.
“The Floss” or “Meinga te ua” - a Maori Rain Dance
World authority in ancient agricultural mysticism Prof. May Kit-Rain told The Cockermouth Standard “The dance craze known as ‘The Floss’ is actually an ancient Maori rain dance called ‘Meinga te ua’ which literally translates as ‘cause rain’. United Utilities approached me for several ancient and at times controversial dances for them to embed in the Fortnite game. I was more than happy to help. No one has spoken to me in at least 38 years. I was getting very lonely.”
Young people from primary school to teenagers have been baffling their elder relatives with the varied gesticulations, with school disco DJs being able to summon the power of the rain dances with simple commands such as “floss”, “take the L”, “jubilation” and “orange justice”.
Asked about the ethics of using children to encourage rainfall, United Utilities spokesman Lee King-Pipe stated that “United Utilities as custodians of the waterways on behalf of our customers take our responsibilities very seriously. To ensure a constant supply we are prepared to go that extra mile, and if that involves getting kids involved in shamanism without their consent, so be it.”
“Take the L” or “Yenza ithole” - a Zulu curse
Prof. May Kit-Rain has expressed some regret at children being targeted in the elavborate plan; “The move known as ‘Take the L’ is actually derived from a Zulu curse ‘Yenza ithole’ which literally translates as ‘make a calf’. The curse is a fertility spell, aimed at making the ground and all the people in the vicinity more fertile. In the short term there are obvious benefits, a great crop yield and healthier fatter wild stock, but there are unfortunate consequences - usually a population boom in the tribe population meaning that the tribes who summon the curse usually end up dying of starvation as they can’t supply enough food to meet the rising demand.”
“Thankfully, this curse doesn’t seem to have happened” added Prof. Kit-Rain.
However, once alerting The Cockermouth Standard to this curse, questions are now being asked of whether a recent product recall for defective Durex condoms could be linked to the curse and local Cockermothians are worried. Father of seven and Windmill Lane resident Mr. Phil Dangers explained that “My wife, my girlfriend and my lover are all bloody pregnant. Four of the kids are all doing this bloody ‘Take the L’ all the time, and all my johnnies keep bursting. Its all very well for you posh readers of The Standard but I did a deal with the social that I could keep my enhanced rate of benefits if I got the snip. Well, I wasn’t going to let some bloody Maryport nurse get hold of my tackle with a laser - and now there are another four kids on the way, the girlfriend is expecting twins!”
Local shopkeepers are devastated by the cancellation of the hosepipe ban. A spokesperson for the Cockermouth Traders Club said “That once it was publicised that smart-arse Phil Braggs was going to keep watering his begonias by popping fast fill water balloons with nerf bullets, we stocked up. Now we have a shed load of unneeded stock. This bloody Fortnite game has cost us a fortune. Curse you United Utilities, curse you to hell!”
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