Grass Cutting Petition Controversy

NEW HOUSES RESIDENTS are up in arms after a local mans petition calling on the government to adopt new housing estates communal areas reached its 10,000 signature target. 

Rent an opinion and self professed man of the people David Felcher took to Fyassbewk and Twatter to exclaim his disgust at local councillor Adrian Davis-Johnston’s petition: “It’s a disgrace! This Tory twat already has it all and now wants us decent, hard working, salt of the earth, claimers of Universal Credit to pay for his grass to get cut?! Well he can get stuffed.”

The petition calling for local authorities to take on the maintenance of communal areas on private estates has exceeded a 10,000 signature level meaning the government has to formally respond.

A pain in the Grass?

Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, fully supports the campaign “The girls at the bi-weekly prosecco, Fois Gras and literature club have all signed this fantastic petition. All of us on The Parklands have to pay over £700 per year for our bushes trimmed and they don’t even do half decent topiary!”

“Meanwhile the oiks on the so-called ‘New Houses’ get everything paid for them. Grass-cutting. Rent. Sky Sports. While here we are struggling on a combined household income of £120k per year. I won’t even be able to afford a third holiday to the algarve this year. We are struggling to make ends meet! Mr. Christensen might only be able to afford a BMW X3, the humiliation of not having an X5.”

Sympathy is running low with David Felcher, however “Oiks they call us do they?! Well I know where I’ll be walking my three Rotties this week and I won’t be taking any nappy bags let me tell you now!”

An increasingly honey glazed Felcher added “These interlopers need to pay for their own grass to be cut. They have no idea how hard life can be. Struggling on £120k per year? They want to try and live on Foodbanks - some of that stuff is barely even edible - once I accidentally ate dog food - it was French ‘Fois Gras’ which my mate Harold told me meant ‘Fat Dog’. These people. If you don’t like it, feck off back to Essex or Cheshire or wherever it is they come from.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council, who would be required to adopt the private estates land should the government accept the petition, was unavailable for comment saying “Look, we have all just come back from a banging taxpayer funded jolly to Manchester and I’ve got a splitting headache - can you not come back next week?”