Spit Hoods and Gimp Masks to be Deployed at Allerdale BC

SAFETY CONSCIOUS council officials have endorsed a controversial set of recommendations to keep members of the public safe from elected councillors The Cockermouth Standard has learned.

In a leaked Health and Safety Report, Allerdale Borough Council officers have decided to enforce the mandatory wearing of personal protective equipment by two leading community figures following complaints and as a result of a conviction.

The sensational leaked report recommends that “following the recent conviction of Coun Stephen Stoddart for assaulting another councillor by means of spitting and wagging his finger ‘ferociously’ the authority must protect its staff, members and the public from potential reoccurrence. A risk assessment concludes that the potential for and impact of the spread of disease outweighs other issues. Therefore Coun Stoddart must don a Standard issue spit hood and Chinese finger trap whilst on Allerdale BC premises.”

A spokesperson for the Moorclose councillor stated that “this is once again victimisation of Stephen by the Labour Party mafia that runs Allerdale. All Stephen has done is stand up for his community. Show that there’s nothing going on in Moorclose for the youngsters anymore, except the boxing club and bowling club and cinema. He has successfully petitioned for a Moorclose Brexit. He is a man of his word. He will literally spit in the face of anyone who stands in his way.”

However it is not just Coun Stephen “Spit the Dog” Stoddart that will have to turn up to Allerdale Council meetings wearing a plastic face-covering, Coun Peter “Captain Boredom” Kendall will be forced to wear a “standard issue gimp mask incorporating ball-gag.”

“Spit the Dog” and “Captain Boredom” PPE

“Following a complaint from a member of the public that Coun Peter Kendall’s speeches were ‘monotonous and irrelevant at best’ The University of Central Manchester were commissioned to undertake a study of the effects of Coun Kendall’s speeches on independent observers” states the side-splittingly accurate Health and Safety report.

The University of Central Manchester study found that “once subjected to over three minutes of off-subject reminiscing of the ‘good old days’ in Coun Kendall’s monotone monologues, the likelihood of a listener to fall asleep, pass out from boredom or literally lose the will to actually live increases by 5000%. We recommend that Allerdale BC take necessary preventative measures to prevent Coun Kendall from speaking for more than 30 seconds in case someone recalls the experience on their drive home and falls asleep at the wheel. The consequences could be catastrophic.”

Allerdale Borough Council were approached to comment on the leaked report, but sadly no one was available for comment. A spokesperson said “Look, I told you before, we have just come back from a taxpayers funded jolly in Manchester and we had one too many mojitos down Castlefield. Can you bother us next week when this 5 day hangover has had chance to subside? But yeah - spitty and captain boredom are a fucking liability - and I can’t wait to sneak a selfie when they turn up to the next full council meeting.”