Protest Planned to Allow Cars in Cockermouth Cemetery

LAZY COCKERMOUTHIANS are up in arms after finding out that bereaved Workington residents could visit Salterbeck Cemetery in their cars.

Allerdale Borough Council has come under criticism recently from a decision to ban car access at the Salterbeck cemetery, resulting in people having to walk or be pushed in a wheelchair to visit the bereaved.

Local Cockermouth curmudgeon and self-proclaimed man of the people David Felcher is proposing to take direct action. “It’s a disgrace!” exclaimed gammon-faced Felcher, “The people of Cockermouth are having to walk to graves or push loved ones in wheelchairs while the people of Workington get to mourn their bereaved from the comfort of their own cars, not getting pissed down upon from the heavens, probably sitting in heated seats and listening to CFM.”

“Once again, Cockermouth loses out to the Workington centric Allerdale politburo. I am going to be organising a silent protest so we can just show those in charge that the people of Cockermouth - the hard working Cockermouth ratespayers - won’t put up with it anymore.”

Angry Gammon-Man David Felcher

Allerdale Council have said in a statement “Unfortunately in recent years the high number of vehicles driving round the cemetery have damaged the surface of the paths. We’ve also witnessed people driving on graves and nearly hitting pedestrians within the cemetery.”

Two Allerdale Moorclose councillors have started a protest movement to reinstate vehicle access at Salterbeck cemetery.

“These two warriors for common-sense should be lauded as heroes”, explains the boiled-ham Felcher, “Two men standing up for their communities. People of good standing. People who will spit in the faces of those who stand in their way. Standing up for those hard working Workington residents who like me can’t be sodding arsed pushing my fat-arsed mother-in-law around the bloody cemetery in her wheelchair when I could be in the comfort of my own car like a near god, listening to Robbie D and his silly satnav.”

An Allerdale spokesperson was unavailable for comment, saying “Oh for god sake can these morons not get it in their thick skulls that driving over someone’s grave is disrespectful? Its a cemetery not a fucking race track. Salterbeck was an oddity in allowing cars access - no other Allerdale cemetery allows cars. And as for the access problems, we consulted the Allerdale Disability Forum - we received no objections from Workington councillors. Its amazing how these people function in their daily lives. How do they manage to go to the shops? Or the post office? Or the doctors? Or Costa? Do they fucking float?!”

An independent, and in no way made-up poll for The Cockermouth Standard has shown that 99.9% of all respondents recognised that regular car access to cemeteries is “A safety issue and an issue that disrespects both the dead and the bereaved” and supported the Salterbeck ban.

Presented with these hard hitting results, a persistant honey-glazed Felcher hit back “Well I for one am not going to be silenced. I will get to go round that cemetery in a car if its the last thing I do!” The Cockermouth Standard highlighted to Mr. Felcher that this ambition is likely to be realised - if he is buried in Cockermouth cemetery, he will be transported in a car known in the area as a “hearse”. Literally, the last thing he does.