Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, planned to stock up on her favourite Taste Cumbria treats from Fois Gras, toffee based vodka products and overpriced artisan baked goods.
Talking exclusively to The Cockermouth Standard, Ms. Christensen recounted her experience; “As I spoke to stall holders to see what fayre they had on offer, I made a shocking discovery. At every single stall it was the same offer: ‘We have jam. Jam and egg. Jam, jam, jam and beans. Jam, egg, beans and jam. Egg, bacon and jam. Jam, sausage, bacon, jam, egg and jam. Jam, sausage, jam, jam, jam bacon, jam, tomato and jam.’ I was traumatised.”
Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Jam Specialist Mrs. Wilma Pectin
“I finally snapped when I thought I had found something more suited to a trained sophisticated Parklands palate when offered ‘Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top....... and jam’”
At this point Ms. Christensen made the worst cultural faux pas you can make in Whitehaven, exclaiming loudly “BUT I DON’T LIKE JAM!”
Stall holder and Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Jam officianado Mrs. Wilma Pectin explained the events that followed; “Well a couple of well built lads from Kells, dressed in traditional Viking-wear, took exception to this disgraceful affront to Whitehaven culture, and along with the Whitehaven Male Voice Choir - who just popped in for a couple of jars of damson and blackeyt - started singing the Whitehaven national anthem ‘Jam, jam, jam, jam, jam-de-jam, jam-a-de-jam!’”
Ms. Christensen offends the population of Whitehaven declaring her distaste for Fruit based preserves
Chaos ensued as the entire Taste Cumbria Whitehaven crowd joined in with the rousing chorus, causing Ms. Christensen to blush severely. “I have never been so embarrassed” explained the strawberry-red Christensen, “to have several thousand people all break into chorus because you have an aversion to fruit based preserves. My dignity was in tatters. Mr. Christensen and I fled for our very lives. I needed to get to Shills for some prosecco and imported olives to calm down.”
A spokesperson for Taste Cumbria Whitehaven said “We can see where Ms. Christensen went wrong. She assumed that Taste Cumbria Cockermouth had gone to Copeland - however we tailor our events to suit the culinary tastes of that particular area. When in Whitehaven - you sell jam. When in Cockermouth - you sell any ponsy old crap that will con those mugs out of their money.”
Mrs. Wilma Pectin declared some sympathy for Ms. Christensen; “I get that some terrible, immoral, disgusting people do not enjoy the sweet fruity nectar handed to us from God. I accept that these kind of people exist. Ms. Christensen didn’t know what to expect from her Whitehaven adventure, she probably never comes here unless she has a meeting in Albion Square. She doesn’t understand.”
Whitehaven celebrity and dentist’s wet-dream Mr. Peter Nickedit however was less sympathetic “Come to Whitehaven and you don’t like jam? Dead, eh.”
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