Police Release Artists Impression of Hefty Fuel Thief

CUMBRIA CONSTABULARY have today released an artists impression of a rotund criminal and his thinner accomplice in an attempt to encourage members of the public to come forward with information regarding the theft of 200 litres of fuel from a Workington industrial estate on the 22nd July.

A spokesperson for the Police, Insp. Les B’Avenau made the following appeal for information, “The assailants are known by their pseudonyms ‘Hefty Hugh’ and ‘Lanky Len’ are considered extremely dangerous with previous convictions for animal larceny and an attempt on the theft of the Crown Jewels though the kidnap and blackmail of a monkey.”

Suspected Fuel Thieves “Hefty Hugh” and “Lanky Len”

“Cumbria Police are also interested in speaking to a further associate of the two suspects, a rather nosy Ladybird, who is allegedly stalking the two suspects and their “big black van” which contains a map, and a key and, according to intelligence, another cunning plan.”

The alleged assailants are known to operate during late night hours around industrial estates and farms, stealing fine prize cows and other livestock.

A spokesman from the Cockermouth Farmers’ Union explained; “At the dead of night, these two bad men, Hefty Hugh and Lanky Len, open gates while our members slept and tip-toe around these farms they crept.”

“Seemingly after their foiled attempt to convince Monkey-Joe to steal the Queen’s Crown, they are now back stealing fuel of all things. We fully support the cops, and hope they come - NEE NAH - and throw them away into their Panda Car.”