“It’s like the Blues, but with less miserable music and less of those pretentious blues fans who only drink half pints of real ale shandy, tut loudly at anyone actually enjoying themselves and often are attired in a distinct combination of leather, denim, 27 year old band t-shirts, a Stetson, a ridiculously shiny oversized belt buckle and the last weeks worth of detritus from their various meals in their beard” stated local arts reviewer Arkle Bucklefist, writing exclusively in The Cockermouth Standard.
“Gone are those days where the last weekend in July meant having to listen to repetitive dinga-dinga durges being thrapped out on some third hand mock Les Paul, with singers in low dulcet tones whinging on about how they don’t have proper jobs. Now the Maryport pubs are full of happiness, with local bands playing songs people actually know and the Maryport landlords selling more than just half pints of ale shandy and Cheese XL crisps by the bucket load.”
Local publicans are overjoyed by the success of the first night of Maryport LIVE! A spokesman for the Maryport Publicans Against Miserable Music Campaign in a statement said “The joy on peoples faces that they have been able to enjoy the music in pubs in the last weekend of July. After 19 years of hurt, music is coming home.”
“Publicans are reporting bumper profits. With local Cumbrian drinkers filling our pubs rather than the miserly “blues crowd” we may actually turn a profit for the first time in decades! Gone are the days of normal people just bringing their own drink and getting hammered on Shipping Brow to avoid blues music at any cost - now they can come back into the pubs and dance to popular rock tunes they have actually heard of!”
Happiness has found its way back to Maryport
Arkle Bucklefist added that their may be inadvertent artistic benefits to the town; “We may actually produce more decent home grown bands now that young people can see that the crowd at the front aren’t overweight head nodders who nurse their half pint ale shandy’s with care. Now that people are dancing and overtly enjoying themselves, this may inspire a new generation of Maryport talent.”
Cockermouth-based rent-an-opinion and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher was the only unhappy face amongst an otherwise overjoyed crowd in the Labour Club last night adding “It’s a disgrace. Not only did I pay a fortune for my blues ticket only for it to be cancelled, but now I can’t even enjoy my half pint of ale shandy and packet of cheese XL without being distracted by someone enjoying themselves. Blues music is supposed to be about listening to some amazing guitarist filling the room with misery. Now people are dancing, and some arse has actually splashed something called “Blue WKD” on my prize belt buckle - it’ll take at least three pots of Brasso to buff out the damage.”
Maryport Blues Festival was cancelled earlier this month by Maryport Festivals Limited and local publicans decided to put carry on with a weekend of music in their pubs. A spokesperson for Maryport Festivals Limited was not available for comment saying “People enjoying themselves is not what blues is about. It was about the committee showing how nothing could ever be done by anyone else ever. This Maryport Live nonsense is a disgrace and just shows how petty people in this town is. I bet they got sponsorship from the councils too.”
Meanwhile, the Maryport Plumber Guild has released a statement regarding the impact Maryport LIVE! is having on their normal trade “As less rotund ale drinkers have descended on Maryport this year, the call outs from blocked toilets has plummeted to an all time low. Please drink more ale shandy’s to keep the Maryport Blues tradition of bringing our sewers to their knees alive!”
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