Cockermouth Traders Set to Cash-in as God Closes Keswick

COCKERMOUTH BUSINESSES are reporting bumper profits this week following God Almighty closing Keswick for the foreseeable future.

The annual Keswick Convention sees up to 15,000 worshipers descend on Keswick bringing the town to its knees, in praise, of the Lord.

Chair of the Cockermouth Traders Club, Jonathan Smurfit explains the recent upturn in trade; “As Keswick effectively closes down for the throngs of deity and laity, we are taking the opportunity to warn the humble tourist that Cockermouth has better parking and an almost zero likelihood of being bothered by some bloody happy-clappy Christian type trying to get you to repent your sins whilst queuing up for an Old Keswickian fish supper.”

“By putting up signs on the A66 on the outskirts of Keswick saying “AVOID THE GOD-BOTHERERS AND COME TO COCKERMOUTH” the car parks are nearly all full - even Wakefield Road! My very own boutique of Cockermouthian essentials, such as Prosecco, Fois Gras, XL Crisps and Cheese pasties, has had a 1000% upturn in trade compared to last week! Praise the Lord!”

The Lord Almighty Proclaiming the Annual Closure of Keswick

The Keswick Convention were at the centre of a scheduling controversy after last years event, committing to bring the event forward a week to prevent overlapping the school holidays by such an extent, with some Keswick traders reporting a 90% drop in trade.

A spokesperson for Keswick residents, Brigadier Norman DeWinter said “The annual closure of Keswick by God himself is awfully inconvenient. Last year, a group of us decided to appeal to the Lord’s better nature, and pray that he would move the convention by a week. Thankfully our prayers have been answered.”

The Cockermouth Standard asked Brigadier DeWinter what he thought of the Cockermouth Traders Club advertising campaign, he added “Well if they get to reap some rewards from Keswick’s obvious popularity for a short period of time, that’s all very well and good. But God closes Keswick for a reason, and that reason is money, erm, sorry, because we are the blessed ones. Yes, money has nothing to do with it. Moving on.”

Cockermouth rent-an-opinion David Felcher has expressed his thoughts via his ever popular Fyassbewk page, stating “It’s a disgrace, all these tourists coming to the town taking up all the disabled parking spaces on Station Street. I can’t even park right outside Coral’s now before putting on my daily 10 pence each-way Lucky 15. If this is a miracle, then you can shove it! Don’t even get me started on the queue snaking outside of Greggs - Cockermouth should be for Cockermouthians not all these bloody off-comers.”

A spokesman for Keswick Ministries who organise the Convention stated they were not available for comment at this time.