Local Man Set to Flout Hosepipe Ban

COCKERMOUTH SMART-ARSE and local entrepreneur Mr. Phil Braggs has gone on record that he is set to ignore the impending county-wide hosepipe ban by using an ingenious new invention - fast filling 100’s of water balloons at a time and popping them with a popular child’s foam-bullet gun. 

United Utilities announced on 17th July that a hosepipe ban will come into effect from the 5th August as reservoirs are at significantly low levels.

Mr. Braggs was disgusted by the news; “We live in the wettest place in the sodding country and after we finally get a summer for the first time since 1998, we aren’t allowed to water our begonias anymore with a hosepipe? It’s like living under a communist dictatorship!”

Anyone caught using a hosepipe to wash cars, water gardens or fill up swimming pools in areas where the Temporary Use Ban applies - or TUB as it is ironically known - can expect a significant fine and consternation from everyone else who plays by the fucking rules.

Mr. Braggs sadly thinks he is above the law; “The politburo at UU can frankly piss off” he expresses animatedly, “I pay my water rates and what do we get from UU? Roadworks all over the place because of some posh fucking mussels living in Ennerdale, stealing our water to keep the Mancs happy and water in Egremont that makes our fucking kettles explode! If I had my way, I’d cook up a nice Moules Mariniere and let the Mancs go dry. Why should I have to suffer with a lawn that’s turned the colour off piss?!”

Explaining that he had just paid over £1,000 to have new turf laid at his Riverdale estate home, Mr. Braggs explains how he will flout the ban; “my grandkids showed me this amazing invention recently where you don’t have to fill water balloons one at a time anymore like some sort of mug. They can now fill 100’s at a time! I plan to fill them up, place them over my new Wembley turf and then shoot at them with a nerf gun - my lawn will get watered if it’s the last thing I do!”

The latest in lawn watering technology?

Local environment enthusiast Ms. Ingritte P. Inabucket was disgusted; “I hope UU crack down hard on all those trying to get round the much needed hosepipe ban. Mr. Braggs so-called solution will just increase the plastic pollution crisis. I bet he didn’t even shed a single tear at Blue Planet 2, the heartless planet destroying bastard!”

A spokesperson for United Utilities was not available for comment, saying “the last thing we need is another fucking smart-arse coming up with a way to get round the system.”

The Cockermouth Standard as a responsible fake-news outlet would like to encourage all readers to “play by the fucking rules”. Some handy tips on how to save water and not be a bell-end like Mr. Braggs can be found at the United Utilities website.