Monday, 16 July 2018

Local Protester Supports F&M Development

SERIAL PROTESTER and local celebrity Jemima Christensen has ruffled considerable feathers today after posting on social media outlet Twatter her support for a controversial development in the town.

Ms. Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, stated in her 280 limited-character posting “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I wholeheartedly support F&M coming to Cockermouth. No longer will I have to make a special trip to London for my Fois Gras and Beluga! Hurrah! Right on my doorstep too - talk about convenience shopping!”

Allerdale councillors next Tuesday are expected to approve the application made by Opus North for a B&M Bargains store to be built next to the Lakes Home Centre.

After The Cockermouth Standard informed Ms. Christensen of her error, she was quite distraught: “You mean to tell me that Fortnum and Mason aren’t coming to Cockermouth and instead we are further supplying retail space for the New Houses oiks?! Well this just won’t do. Do B&M even stock Fois Gras?”

The B&M hamper of Ms. Christensen’s Dreams

“I am now on public record supporting a store that sells so-called discount goods! I don’t think I will ever be able to show my face at my weekly Prosecco club at Shills’ ever again. Is there a way you can delete posts from Twatter?! Or erase peoples memories!?”

Local online grammar enthusiast Mr. B. End took delight at Ms. Christensen’s faux pas stating “Well it serves Ms. Christensen right - there’s a big difference between a sodding B and an F isn’t there?!”

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