Fury as Furious Person makes Furious Claims

COCKERMOUTH RESIDENTS are up in arms as a furious person has been making furious claims furiously via social media outlet Fyassbewk.

In a series of online rants, local curmudgeon and pigeon fancier David Felcher has covered topics from the Christmas lights being too twinkly, the local road network being bereft of toll-bars, public subsidy for the annual gammon boiling competition and the car park ticket machines that require degree-level education to operate.

“It’s a disgrace” exclaims a gammon-faced Felcher, “this town is going down the pan and no matter how red I go in the face no-one will do anything about it. After years of being the one person at the back of town council meetings, taking notes and grunting in disgust at any of the councillors saying anything I don’t agree with, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and rant furiously on something my grandson calls Fyassbewk.”

Since starting his series of poorly researched and often misspelled rants, Mr. Felcher’s Fyassbewk page has reached over ten people. Mostly embarrassed members of Mr. Felcher’s family.

“The response has been amazing” explained Felcher, “now thousands upon thousands of people know exactly what I think about the state of this town and how we are under the control of the neo-liberal-communist-facist elite that run Allerdale and the Town Hall. I am going to bring the illuminati down.”

David Felcher has a reputation amongst Cockermothian’s as the town’s go to thought leader, should the opinion you wish to find originates from a simpler time. A time when the Cockermouth bypass wasn’t built, Millers Factory made shoes and “Love thy Neighbour” was considered appropriate for television.

“It’s a disgrace” spits a now nicely honey-glazed Felcher, “we spend money in this town on Christmas and I once got a lump of coal in 1957 in my stocking. It’s discrimination. I don’t celebrate Christmas or anything like that, so why should I pay for others enjoyment. I remember once going to the Lights Switch on and David Essex didn’t even know who I was.”

Felcher continues: “Don’t even get me started on the subsidy for the annual gammon boiling competition - taxpayers money that could be better spent on things I want. I want to grow the pigeon fancying club from its current record membership of three, where’s my subsidy? And as for offcomers coming into this town and demanding things like a Sainsbury’s and a Starbucks - the town was much better with the sweet smell of shit coming from Mitchell’s on a Monday and you got your coffee from Luchini’s in town - better, simpler times.”

The offending Christmas lights - a waste of ratepayers hard earned crust

In an exclusive for The Cockermouth Standard, local busy-body and community spokesman Gerald McFlustered has gone on the record regarding Mr. Felcher’s furious online tirades; “Frankly everyone thinks that he’s gone too far this time. It’s almost as bad as the dirty protest he made at the toilets being privatised by the council. Sadly this time, the smell of shit has gone from Main Street to what he’s writing on Fyassbewk. He needs to get himself down to The Swan and whinge in there in the environment where it has become accustomed over a pint or seven of the finest Jennings in the town.”

In a request for comment to a representative of the Town Council regarding the controversy over Mr. Felcher’s Fyassbewk fury, they told The Cockermouth Standard to “refer to the response given in the famous Pressdram vs. Arkell case - i.e. fuck off.”