VILLAGE IDIOT LISTS PUBLISHED IN ADVANCE OF MAY ELECTION

ALLERDALE BOROUGH COUNCIL have published their four-yearly nominations of village idiots this week as election fever descends over the Borough like an unwanted fog of flatulance.

The Conservatives are leading the way with the most nominations for village idiot, contesting all 49 seats available, with the Labour Party in second place contesting the villages where they know that there are enough idiots supporting them to get them elevated to the contested honour of being the ultimate village idiot.

The rest of the nominations are made up of tree-huggers, weirdos and those of questionable personal hygiene known as the Green’s and the various incarnations of so-called Independent’s.

“After the village boundaries were redrawn this year, the race for village idiot across the borough is really anyone’s game” noted distinguished psephologist Professor Jack Curtrice, from the University of Cumbria, “the Tories contesting every single village idiot position is unprecedented in Cumbrian idiot racing and Labour are immediately on the back foot after they had more splits than a banana, with the King-led independents aligning to the new TIGers in the Hall of Morons.”

Turnout is expected to be low in the village idiot elections on May 2nd, with normal people fed-up with these idiots banging on about Breaksit at every opportunity.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments token rent-a-gob and self-proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “I’m sick of all these idiots coming round once every four years banging on about their own egos and frankly bull manure. There are too many idiots getting air time on the telly and I’m sick of it. All we want is to not be ripped off and to get on with our lives. And a B&M - we want a B&M and any idiot that supports it has my vote.”

Expectations are that the battle for village idiot for Moorclose and Moss Bay will be a close run affair with Coun Stephen “Spit-the-dog” Stoddart going head to head with Coun Barbara “Loose” Cannon in a run off for the ultimate village idiot.

“It’s going to be a close run affair” notes Professor Curtrice, “there are no bigger idiots in the borough than Stoddart and Cannon. Stoddart is a man with convictions and Cannon is seriously proposing to spend £100million on a monument to super-idiot Mark Fryer! Choosing between these two for top idiot will be like picking between your left and right nostril for the one that has the tastiest mucus - it’s too close to call!”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was unavailable for comment saying “As we are in an election period the council is covered by the purdah regulations meaning we cannot possibly suggest that everyone votes in their favourite Labour supporting village idiot as we could get accused of bias and we have a stadium that we want to build. Just please do us all a favour though, don’t elect Coun Peter Kendall - we are so bored of his stories now. If he drones on at another planning meeting we might end up with the fiasco we did this week with all our idiots being hypnotised into agreeing with him. We had to stop the meeting to get them out of the trance so they remembered to agree with us!”

COMMENT - THE RISE OF THE KEYBOARD WARRIORS

ALLERDALE LEADER Coun Alan Smith this week has ranted once again in a letter to the Times & Star about opposition councillors apparent ineptitude at recommenced that “if they could get away from their keyboards, and debate as they were elected to do, they could have been more effective.” It isn’t the first time that Coun Smith, who was recently caught up in a controversy about posting of a gollywog in his personal Fyassbewk page, has decried the use of social media as a means of engagement, and The Cockermouth Standard knows why.

The rallying call is for debate to be constrained to the Council Chamber, and whilst this is an apt venue for debate of issues, it is about as effective as Theresa May trying to get a Brexit deal through the Commons. Why, you may ask? Well, the numbers of actual members of the public that aren’t Labour lackies or Tory-boys can be counted on less than one hand. Sadly, normal people don’t want to sacrifice multiple hours of their valuable time listening to Coun “Spit-the-dog” Stoddart bang on about how badly off Moorclose is doing, Coun Jenkinson banging on about some FOI stuff or Coun Peter Kendall banging on, endlessly, about nothing.

No one, in their right minds, would want to voluntarily subject themselves to that, unless they were struggling to sleep at night. So no one attends. The debate is heard by no one other than councillors, officers, lackies and the press if they can be bothered.

The question is this, adapting a famous philosophical question - if a debate happens in a council chamber and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Well, it may make a sound, but it’s impact is nil. Nada. Nothing.

So Coun Smith’s criticism of keyboard warriors is his attempt to control and stifle the debate to the same restricted audience of none. This is why the rise of the modern warrior for democracy is so important - let us celebrate the rise of the keyboard warrior.

The Cockermouth Standard prides itself on showing how ridiculous local politics is. It’s a publicly funded ego trip that we all pay for. Our weekly readership regularly surpasses the 3,000 mark, and if we mention Coun Mark Fryer it will surpass the 4,000 barrier - and because of the unique way Fyassbewk works, we know that the readership is 95% all within the borough of Allerdale. That’s three to four thousand people every week that get to laugh at how stupid these enthusiastic amateurs we call Councillors can be.

So in this world of seemingly never ending politics, let us step back and realise how absurd it all is, and decry how these people waste our money funding monuments to their own egos, whether it be a stadium, a model ship on a roundabout or a sign on the M6 directing people to Silloth of all places. Keyboard warriors are democratising democracy, not keeping it locked away and hidden like the Glorious Leader Coun Smith would prefer.

The world has moved on since the 1960’s. Sadly, Coun Smith and his gollywog posting Fyassbewk account haven’t. It’s time to move with the times, let’s Make Allerdale Great Again.

***Funded by glorious mother Russia***

“WE’RE GONNA BUILD A STADIUM AND THE TAXPAYER’S GONNA PAY FOR IT”

SELF-ADULATING RUGBY ENTHUSIAST Coun Mark Fryer This Week led the defence of the controversial Workington Jam Factory Community Stadium declaring in a Trumpian fashion “We’re gonna build a stadium and whose gonna pay for it? That’s right. Taxpayers are gonna pay for it.”

The shock revelation that no matter which way you look at it the taxpayer is going to have to swallow the full £100 million price-tag for the financial settlement has led to accusations that the Labour-led Allerdale executive are incredulous when it comes to screwing the hard-working taxpayer to fund their own concrete and steel penis extensions.

“Cockermothians, Sillothites and Keswickians are the ones that are going to pay for this modern acropolis. The doleites from Workington and Maryport won’t be footing the bill, but get all the benefit. Once again Allerdale are screwing over the rural areas.” laments token Tory landowner Lord Cecil DeFontmontgomery.

But there has been rallying support for Coun Fryer from the local branch of West Cumbria Momentum who said in a statement “The new Workington Stadium is only possible after the Labour led administration secured blue-chip tenants to form part of the stadium proposal. Sellafield and the NHS will be moving in and will pay for the development with no liability placed on the council tax payer.”

When highlighted that Sellafield and the NHS are still funded through taxation, Momentum were indignant saying “The real issue here isn’t who is paying for the stadium. It is what it represents - modernity, rugby league, the never ending reliance this area has on the satisfying teat of public sector jobs, socialism, the expected average attendance of 243 people per match - this is truly a scheme that is for the few, not the many.”

Spokespeople from the various political parties were all flooding The Cockermouth Standard’s email account with statements regarding this story, but in the great tradition of cutting-edge journalism we have decided to only provide a platform to the most idiotic of the four.

Coun Stephen “Spit-the-Dog” Stoddart from the Moorclose First Party (in no way affiliated with blatant racists Britain First, them BNP days are well behind Coun Stoddart), stated “They should have built that stadium at Moorclose. The Labour mafia running Allerdale will get what’s coming to them in the May elections. The people are behind us. Moorclose Forever! Freedom for Moorclose! Moorclose Brexit!”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was unavailable for comment saying “Look will you just leave us alone about this stadium. We know it’s a ridiculous idea but we are all so terrified of saying anything other than to support it. Please leave us alone. I think I can hear him coming....”

RECYCLING CHANGES “BIN DRIVING US MAD” CLAIM RESIDENTS

COCKERMOUTHIANS are up in arms as the latest Allerdale Borough Council initiative to overhaul recycling collections have led to people wondering which bin they need to use and when.

Blue lidded bins have been delivered to householders in anticipation of a change to recycling collections from April 1st, but residents are reporting that they don’t know what in God’s name is going on.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments token mouthpiece David Felcher, “my house is full of plastics, card, tins and bottles because I don’t know when I’m supposed to start using my paper bin for recycling, that blue lidded bin for paper and card and when those purple bags aren’t needed anymore. People have been accusing me of hoarding like that Mr. Trebus off Life of Grime. Let me tell you, the only grime I’m into is that Stormzy lad. Yeah, even old decrepit sticks in the mud like me can get into some banging beats blud.”

Whilst the preparations made by the council and their waste management contractors have gone relatively hitch free, the masses are still taking to Fyassbewk to ask “am I still using my purple sacks” and state whether their new blue bins have been delivered like some sort of post-Brexit badge of honour.

“I’m delighted by my blue lidded bin!” gushes token posho Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands. “I had to pay a fortune for my custom blue wheelie bin for my general refuse and garden waste. Lime green is such a putrid colour. Black and blue is so in vogue for 2019, it reminds of the colour scheme of a Labour councillor bullied into submission that a £100M PFI for a stadium is a good idea. So on trend.”

But even moderate council supporter Ms. Christensen asked The Standard, “now do you know if I start filling my new bin with all my back issues of The Cockermouth Curiousity? I buy it for its extra absorbency for the cat litter tray. That’s recycling at its very best. Much better than trying to read the drivel anyway!”

An Allerdale spokesperson was unavailable for comment on the new recycling regime stating “Look, we are busy making sure that the Glorious Leader and his not at all bullying deputy get their way to have a new stadium in Workington to bother with day-to-day bothersome things like bins. I mean don’t people realise that’s not what this council is about? We need to ensure we get this investment secured so people don’t realise that the stadium won’t be fully funded by the taxpayer. We are doing our best to make sure that no one realises that Sellafield and the NHS are funded by taxes so whichever way you look at it, the taxpayer will end up paying for The Jam Factory. So, the bin change is a useful decoy - distract the masses with paper recycling so we can stiff them for £100million. It’s just like the good old days!”

A spokesperson for the Allerdale Conservatives was available for comment, but everyone is sick of hearing from Coun Mark Jenkinson now that they would rather listen to endless debate on the Irish Backstop whilst being drilled through their cranium with a rusty drill-bit.

Allerdale Labour Party were also available for comment, but all they wanted to do was bang on about food banks and how the Tories wanted to build a stadium without a pitch.

Allerdale Independents were also available for comment - but no one seriously cares what they say.

Disclaimer - The Cockermouth Standard is very responsible about adhering to Purdah guidance for political balance, despite Allerdale Council conveniently ignoring such things when it involves the words “stadium”, “vanity project” and “it isn’t even in the council plan you bloody morons.”

SECRET STADIUM INVESTORS REVEALED BY THE COCKERMOUTH STANDARD

SECRET INVESTORS are being lined up to provide the £25M funding for the Workington Community Stadium and Jam Factory in a fifty-year deal that will place a near £100M liability on Allerdale taxpayers.

Allerdale BC revealed their updated business case for the stadium this week, in advance of the Labour Executive approving the plans before the upcoming May elections. In these documents, superbly redacted with their new crayons, they reveal that private investors will fund the development in return for a 50-year guaranteed yield hire purchase scheme that is in no way at all a Private Finance Initiative or PFI. The total cost of this arrangement to Allerdale Taxpayers will be £95M.

The Cockermouth Standard can exclusively reveal that the investors are none other than disgraced Wonga puppets Betty, Joyce and Earl.

“After Wonga went into administration, we needed somewhere to stash all the millions we took off some of the poorest people in society”, explained heartless octogenarian Earl, “we were used to charging exorbitant interest rates to people who would not otherwise get credit. When we heard of this hair-brained scheme to build an 8,000 seat stadium for the thronging crowds of Workington, and quadruple our money - we were more than happy to oblige!”

Rumours are circulating that key Allerdale assets are being put up as collateral to secure the Wonga-style PFI deal, with Workington Hall, Allerdale House and the keys to Coun McCarron-Holmes’ final horcrux being offered as tangible assets.

“They offered the Maryport Wave as collateral for the £25M investment”, explains biscuit-biting Betty, “and I had to tell that lovely Alan Smith fellow that while I maybe a puppet, I’m not a bleeding muppet!”

The reaction from members of the public have been mixed, with Fyassbewk forums ablaze with critique of the new deal.

“A Labour council signing up for another long-term PFI deal, when will they ever learn?”, lamented Allerdale Momentum spokesperson Poppy Sanders-Smyth, “come the glorious revolution when Comrade Corbyn takes control and mandatory electro-shock therapy makes everyone realise that property is theft, we will reinstate the gulags and have these communities build the much needed stadia for public floggings and recitals of the communist manifesto. Viva la Revolution!”

More extreme views were aired by token Tory toss-pot Xander Dickensian-Montague via Fyassbewk, “Another Labour council spending hard earned taxpayers money on vanity projects when we have more pressing issues facing the area and indeed the country. Borrowing money from elderly puppets at extortionate interest rates, this is going to place an unbelievable financial burden on our children and our children’s-children, and we have been trying our damndest to do this ourselves by forcing a no-deal Brexit.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale BC was not available for comment stating “Look, there’s an election coming up, so we can hide behind this thing called “Purdah” when we want to now whenever there are any hard questions or anything. It’s magical! Yes, we will only apply this when it suits, and, yes we are still going to let the executive burden whoever wins in May with a £95M fifty-year liability despite it being completely in contradiction to the Purdah rules, but we have to get this through before the Tories and the Indies ditch the stadium for something more sensible, like free bum-scratchers for all! Actually, that’s what we are planning next year. So don’t print that. Or I’ll get the Chief Exec to shout at your editor again.”

REVIEW - ANNUAL ALLERDALE PANTO - SNOW MONEY AND THE SEVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE A LITTLE BIT SHORT THIS WEEK

ALLERDALE COUNCILLORS swapped politics for panto this week as the overpriced, over budget and vastly late Allerdale Pantomime - Snow Money and the Seven People Who Are a Little Short This Week, an entertaining romp through the annual budget setting process for the council.

The cast of councillors was led ably in the starring role of Snow Money by Coun Barbie Cannonballs who declared that “There’s snow money left! The evil witch of the east Theresa Comewhatmay stole all our golden coins, so now we will have to borrow even more from the magic money tree if we are going to balance the books, build the magic stadium and find my Prince Charming!”

Snow Money was often interrupted in her financial declarations by The Ugly Sisters, roles no doubt typecast for Coun Alan Gollygosh and Coun Tony AnRAFman who sniped and bickered throughout the panto to raucous laughter from the assembled crowd of eleven who turned up.

“Typical of my ugly sister Tony, he knows there’s Snow Money and he doesn’t want the evil Taxsnatcher to be able to take lots of gold coins off the Seven People Who Are a Little Bit Short this week. Your budget is a fairytale! You’re making it all up!” Declared Ugly Sister Gollygosh.

“Oh no I’m not!” Recoiled Ugly Sister AnRAFMan, “Everyone in the village has had enough of the evil Taxsnatcher taking their hard earned gold coins. All that you and Snow Money want to do is take their money and spend it on a quest to find the magic stadium at the end of the rainbow!”

But Snow Money had enough of The Ugly Sisters bickering and ran away, confident that her fiscal prowess would see her through. On her journey she bumped into the Seven People Who Are a Little Short This Week.

Agast, Snow Money played amazingly by Coun Cannonball declared “Wait a minute! I thought you were supposed to be the Seven Dwarves!”

Horrified, the Seven People Who are a Little Bit Short This Week explained to Snow Money the errors of her ways.

“We have passed a motion unanimously that such disability discrimination should be stopped!” yawned Sleepy, played by Coun Billy Mispelly.

“Yes, the evil Taxsnatcher has discriminated against us for far too long. We don’t want him to take anymore of our gold coins. Coins the people of Moorclose have had taken off them for far too long!” shouted Sneezy, played by Coun Stephen SpitTheDog.

The bickering was interrupted by a musical number sang by Coun Adrian Doesn’t-Turnup who played Doc, “I think the evil Taxsnatcher, Snow Money and the Ugliest of The Ugly sisters all need to realise that........ I’ve got a degree and they should listen to me! There isn’t a magic money tree. The magic stadium will not come for free, stop this nonsense and vote Tory!”

“I’m sick of these Tories!” Declared Dopey, played by Coun Tony LieWood, “they all have Munchkin disease. They would drop a house on your head only to steal your shoes and try and rescue you but all the cuts to the NHS would mean that despite a house being dropped on your head that you would die!”

“Booooo!” came the roars from the delighted audience as Grumpy, played by Coun Alan Bitcher, stood up to tell Dopey off “How do you not know that people in my family don’t have Munchkin disease? We have just passed a motion saying disability discrimination is abhorrent! Now you claim Tories all have Munchkin disease, a serious mental illness. Not only are you Dopey, you’re a disgraceful Person Who is a Little Bit Short This Week.”

The supporting cast of People Who Are a Little Bit Short This Week was augmented by Coun John Crouched playing Happy, and Coun Nicky Knobscorch, ironically playing Bashful.

Snow Money continued on her quest to find her Prince Charming, only to be confronted by the evil Taxsnatcher, phenomenonally played by Coun Mark Fryer Tuck-all-the-money. “Make sure you get all the golden coins off everyone in the village Snow Money. Shake the magic money tree and make sure you get all the gold so we can build the magic stadium and jam mine. We will take all the tax we can!!”

The Evil Queen, played by Coun Carni McBoat-Face, caught up with Snow Money and made her take a bite of the poisoned apple. Sadly, the magic mirror was cut from the panto late in the day as they kept on shattering. The Evil Queen was swept away atop her trusty steed, the pantomime horse, front end played by Coun Michael Heslipped and the back end played by Coun Mark Facebookson, who took to Fyassbewk (again), to express his disgust at the casting.

“The process for picking roles for the Allerdale Panto is shrouded in secrecy and corruption. I call on the chief exec to have open auditions. Typical Labour waste.” ranted Coun Facebookson on Fyassbewk.

The hero of the panto, Prince Charming was delightfully played by Coun Konrad Handsome, who delighted the audience with his heartfelt monalogue expressing how he won’t be able to take part in future pantos after he had been deselected by Momentum.

Thankfully for all of us, Coun Handsome avoided this panto becoming a tragedy by not kissing Snow Money. But the budget still passed to the delight of the evil Taxsnatcher and all the villagers will have to part with more of their golden coins to pay for the magic stadium and to plant the magic money tree.

Thank goodness this farce only comes round once a year. No stars.

COUNCIL LEADER CONFIRMS ROBERTSONS JAM STADIUM DEAL

ALLERDALE COUNCIL LEADER Alan Smith this week let it slip on his personal Fyassbewk page that the Workington Community Stadium and Jam Factory is to be exclusively sponsored by iconic British brand Robertson’s.

The announcement has been met with mixed reactions, with supporters of Britain Furst and Tommy Robinson delighted, and other actual members of the human race, completely and utterly disgusted at potential racialist undertones.

“I am delighted!”, exclaimed self-proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “more jobs for the jam eaters and a celebration of the casual racism that old school Cumberland gammons like me relish. I’ve dusted off my old VHS recordings of Love thy Neighbour, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and ‘Til Death Us Do Part, for a good old fashioned celebration of all things casually racist. I mean come on, golliwogs aren’t racist - they were on jam jars! I reckon Fyassbewk have censored Coun Smith in their purge of truth tellers like him and our Tommy. Bastards.”

Claims that Coun Smith’s Facebook account was hacked in a politically motivated attack were made across the media citing that the Robertson’s Jam announcement was a complete and utter hoax.

A storm in a jam-jar or unacceptable casual racism?

Cyber security expert Xavier Pokemone explained to The Cockermouth Standard that this is a rather unlikely scenario. “It is pretty inconceivable that Coun Smith is the victim of a malicious cyber hacking attack. The likely perpetrators would be Russia, China and North Korea, and as we all know The Peoples Republic of Allerdale is pretty closely aligned politically to all these groups. He could have been looking at some rather risqué websites in special alone times, but more than likely he just shared it of his own volition. We will never really know.”

Cockermouth socialite and token mouthpiece, Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands is disgusted by the alleged Fyassbewk posting. “I can’t believe this post has apparently been shared by an upstanding member of the community. In the week that Tommy Robinson is banned, Momo is terrorising our little ones, to have a senior gentleman sharing racist nostalgia is just the last straw. All these people should be banned from the internet for life!”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was unavailable for comment saying “Look, this is a storm in a teacup. The Glorious Leader has deleted his account and is telling you it wasn’t him. If you don’t stop printing this rubbish we will have no choice but to get our Chief Exec to be very shouty with your editor and storm off in a big strop for doing your job. This isn’t censorship, it’s purely ensuring that we have the right leader following the elections next May, otherwise we will have wasted over £1million on this bloody stadium for the Tories and the Indies to can it and we all want to see a replay of Scotland against Samoa in the rugby World Cup! Vote Labour!”

P.s. Remember dear reader, The Cockermouth Standard is “fake news”. Who knows what happened. But let’s not be racists. Even casual racism, is still, well, racism. Ed.