SHOCK AS POLITICAL TURKEYS DON’T VOTE FOR CHRISTMAS

CUMBRIAN VOTERS were left flabbergastered this week after a posse of Cumbrian political turkeys refused to accept their inevitable fate by rejecting local government reform for Cumbria yet again. 

The Cumbria Borough Council Leaders group announced that they are unwilling to negotiate for any deal other than the one they like, putting the possibility of local government reform for Cumbria firmly on the back burner.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments local government officianado and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher, “these turkeys aren’t going to vote for an early Christmas. I mean look at them, they’re pretty much ready for the chopping block, but refuse to play ball. Too used to their allowances, as if they’re going to vote themselves out of a job.”

Cumbria is considered one of the most over governed places in the country. With seven local authorities and the Lake District National Park having responsibilities for everything from planning, refuse collections and local roads.

A Cumbrian Councillor finally accepts the inevitable 

Professor Carole Singer from the University of Life is a world recognised authority on Cumbrian politics and in an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard she stated that the Council leaders “don’t have a bloody clue.”

“Cumbria has a population just shy of half a million people. The fact that we have over 300 councillors between districts and county all creaming off between £3,000 and £30,000 a year in allowances means it isn’t in their interests to vote for reform. It isn’t in the interests of the council management either, the top brass all earn over £100,000 per year - as if they want to give that up.”

“In a week when Theresa May couldn’t negotiate her way out of a paper bag”, continued Prof. Singer, “These councillors couldn’t negotiate a future for Cumbria if their lives depended on it. I mean come on, local government is a publicly funded ego trip - Yes Minister taught us that.”

Local people are reported to be in a state of bewilderment regarding the political situation. Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48 of The Parklands, told The Cockermouth Standard “These politicians need to start realising what is important to the woman on the Clapham omnibus. Will I still be able to get my fois gras in a no deal Brexit? Why on earth is the threat of B&M upon us once more? How much of my £396 per month council tax is spent on ball gags and spit hoods? This is what we need to know!”

As we near the Christmas period, David Felcher has a message for all the councillors wishing to put their own interests in front of the people’s “We aren’t gonna put up with it anymore. These lot need to crack on and ditch themselves so our Moira’s job as a lollipop lady and our Michael’s job as a housing officer are safe. Too much spent on all them with their noses firmly in the trough. And if it means I down have to see that bloody stock photo of Alan Smith in the news anymore then all the better. The only photo of a fat lad in a suit I want to see this time of year is one of Santa Claus.”

COMPLAINTS OF SHODDY SANTA SLEIGH SERVICE

CHARITY SANTA SLEIGHS are courting controversy this festive season by not spreading joy and cheer to every single front door in the area, providing an individual service that the modern day snowflakes expect.  

Cockermouth Round Table, Maryport Round Table and Workington and Derwent Rotary members have brought Santa to visit many of the areas towns and villages for many years, but more and more people are getting increasingly frustrated by these volunteers not going to every single door personally.

“It’s a disgrace” vents red-nosed self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “these clubs are filled with offcomers and they don’t even have the common decency to drive their sleigh down my cul-de-sac down the bottom end of Slatefell Drive. Apparently the common hardworking man isn’t worthy of a visit from Santa. Apparently I should have took my grandkids out in the cold wind and rain to stand at the road end for 45 seconds. Well screw that! I haven’t paid my council tax for all these years to be treated like a second class citizen! It’s not as though there are parked cars down both sides of the road. They’re down the middle as well. Can these feckless lot not tow a caravan?!”

Santa - Not knock, knock, knocking on people’s doors

A spokesperson for the Society Against Nastiness, Trolling and Abuse of Clubs Looking to Amuse Universal Society (SANTACLAUS) said “Every year service clubs invest considerable time and effort away from their families to spread some Christmas cheer and raise funds for their local communities. Despite the huge sacrifices made by these people they often get trolled on Fyassbewk or Twatter because “they didn’t come down my street” or “they only come when I’m at work” or “when are you doing my road” for the seven-hundred and ninety millionth time.”

But local community activist Charlene Tinseltits is having none of it “These bloody do-gooders  refuse to come down my lane. I’ve PM’d their Fyassbewk page about seven thousand times and I’ve never had a bloody dicky bird back. 24 hours notice isn’t good enough eh. Some of us might have a client round. I need to make sure I round up the kids from their various dads. Santa isn’t the only ho-ho-ho in this neighbourhood. Self righteous prick.”

The SANTACLAUS spokesperson had a message for Ms. Tinseltits “On behalf of SANTACLAUS, I wish to apologise to Ms. Tinseltits. How dare our volunteer organisations not provide an individual service to every single person in the whole universe. In recompense, we have instructed a personal visit from our local volunteer club with their Santa sleigh to personally deliver the sack full of coal she obviously deserves. Won’t be the last time a fat bloke empties his sack in her living room. Merry Christmas.”

PUBLIC TO BE CONSULTED ON NEW MULTI USE STADIUM

ALLERDALE COUNCIL have announced that there is to be a public consultation into the proposed design and use of the new Workington multi-purpose stadium. 

Following recent controversy that a Speedway track may not be included in the concept, a spokesperson has exclusively revealed to The Cockermouth Standard that the proposed stadium will be all encompassing and cover a wide range of sports. Rugby League, Football, Uppies-and-Downies, Speedway, Mud-wrestling and seasonal bog snorkelling will all be available at the new Mark Fryer Workington Community Stadium.

An overly excitable spokesperson stated “We have listened to the community and will continue to listen to everyone in the community who supports the stadium. Speedway will of course be accommodated. As will use of the periodic inevitable flooding of the stadium and surrounding areas for the historic Cumbrian pursuits of bog snorkelling and Cumberland and Westmorland Mud Wrestling.”

An artists impression of the new stadium in seasonal bog snorkelling mode

The potential cost of the new multi-purpose stadium is expected to be in the order of £15m. Local curmudgeon and self-proclaimed man of the people David Felcher has raised concerns with the council about their plans.

“It’s a disgrace” exhaled a barbecued pork chops coloured Felcher, “not only is it 100% certain that this facility will flood between now and 2150 but they’re only accommodating pathetic sports like rugby league and football. Where’s the accommodation for the pigeon fanciers? It’s going to be paid for by the Cockermothian taxpayer this monstrosity, where’s our benefit?”

With respect to the siting of the new stadium Felcher has other concerns “Why isn’t it up at Moorclose? Surely that’ll stop that lad up there banging on about there being nowt to do every five minutes. That might be worth the £15million just to shut him up? I’ll be letting Allerdale know my views, but again they are discriminating against us salt of the earth pigeon fanciers - apparently they won’t accept messages sent by pigeon.”

The Allerdale spokesperson addressed some of Mr. Felchers concerns stating “We are not closed minded in this consultation other than to people who don’t want it to be built or want it built anywhere other than the site identified. Also, we can’t accept communications dispatched by pigeon for health and safety reasons - some of our Conservative councillors may try to hunt them and we can’t afford any more windows being shot out.”

Town Takeaways Takings Tumble Thanks to Taste Cumbria

COCKERMOUTH TAKEAWAYS are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight as a result of the Taste Cumbria road closures that came into force yesterday morning. 

Taste Cumbria is the jewel in the crown of Cockermouth events, with many thousands of people expected to descend on the town over the weekend to sample the fanciful fare and imbibe the finest beers, gins, ales and prosecco.

However, Jonathan Smurfit from the Cockermouth Traders Club has seen that the food festival has had an unintended impact on the towns takeaways “Our members in the convenience food sector are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight compared to a normal Friday”

“As a result of all the road closures, the towns fatties cannot park directly outside their favourite Friday night fried food vendor. It’s across the town, Lees, Main Street chippy, Diamond, Pedro, Alternative, Little Basil, Bamboo, Full House, Fiza Spice, Chattanooga, all reporting a plunge in takings. The exception being Slatefell Chippy, who have reported record takings and traffic jams from all the towns rotunda descending on the shop as they can park right outside.”

Taste Cumbria Food Festival returns to Cockermouth

Local curmudgeon and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher once again mounted his high horse “It’s a disgrace!” exclaimed type-2 diabetes suffer Felcher, “it’s our god given right to enjoy a Friday night takeaway only for this to be taken away because of this posho food festival. I had to wait half an hour for my weekly cod and chips from Slatefell chippy this week because of all these interlopers from up The Moor and Riverdale coming up to gods country, the New Houses, and taking all our fish. If I was a french fisherman I’d have scopped a load of rocks at them.”

Not all Cockermouth residents are upset about the food festival coming back to Cockermouth. Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, is incredibly excited “It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Comedy in a tent, a Michelin star pop up restaurant, Prosecco following, fois gras coming out of our gunnels. If people are desperate for their fast food fix, they can change the habits of a lifetime and walk.”

Recounting her earlier Taste Whitehaven controversy, Ms. Christensen added “Oh and to be free to express ones hatred of all things fruit, sugar and pectin. I have a custom made sequin top emblazoned with “I don’t like jam” on it. Take that Whitehaven. The proper food festival has arrived.”

Taste Cumbria food festival in Cockermouth takes place this Saturday and Sunday.

New Workington Hotel Tribute to Steelworks

ALLERDALE PLANNERS this week approved planning permission for a multi-million pound hotel and leisure development in Workington which is a fitting tribute the the industrial and social history of the town.

The Travelodge, Costa and Marstons development has paid homage to Workington as a town of steel by taking inspiration for the design from a full height Isofreight container.

Local architectural aficionado Sebastian Brokenshire has lauded the design; “The cubist, brutalist design is a perfect juxtaposition to the neo-gothic St. Michael's, the gaudiesque near run down half completed Workington Town Rugby League ground and the sodding eyesore that is Perry’s Palace.”

An artists impression of the Isofreight/Prison tribute

“Taking inspiration from the steel box in the design is inspired” added the near frothing with excitement Brokenshire, “and its resemblance to a prison will provide some comfort for all those Workington residents, and Allerdale councillors, who have spent time inside.”

Cockermouth resident Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, did not share Brokenshire’s enthusiasm; “Going to Workington is already offensive enough on the eyes without having to look at a monstrosity that looks like the bastard love child of an isofreight and a prison.”

Allerdale Borough Council were not available for comment. A spokesperson adding, “look this is another one of those AIP deals - yeah it looks like a box, but it’s nicer than that derelict red blotch on the landscape next door. Let’s just hope we can get that new stadium sorted out so the tens of spectators of Town and the Reds have somewhere nice to sit and question their life choices while their team inevitably gets beat.”

MARYPORT DEATH STAR FUNDING ROW

MARYPORT COUNCILLORS are being accused of misleading the public over who has paid for an art installation known locally as the “Maryport Death Star”.

The installation on Maryport harbour side has left locals wondering how much it cost local taxpayers as whether it has a sinister undertone.

“Well it looks like the bloody Death Star” said Maryport local Phil McCracken, “a Death Star made of stainless steel and lit up like a bloody Christmas tree. The only thing Maryport about it is them flags - they look like they’ve been installed by a lad frae bangla whose had too much from his magic herb garden.”

Town councillors were at odds to reassure the public that Maryport residents had not paid for the installation. According to our sources, a hoodie clad blood stained tissue laden nostriled, Coun Peter Kendall, told Maryport Town Council this week that “Maryport residents haven’t paid for the new Maryport monument - it was funded by Allerdale.”

Coun McCarron-Holmes (left) and Coun Peter Kendall officially open the Maryport Death Star (only one is wearing a costume)

Local Government expert and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher contacted The Cockermouth Standard to set the record straight; “It’s a disgrace! Misleading the taxpayers like this, of course Maryport folk paid for the stainless steel Death Star - if the money came from Allerdale - it will have been paid for by the people of Allerdale and last time I checked Maryport hadn’t declared itself an independent republic?”

The £9000 artwork is currently subject to a naming competition being run on social media outlet Fyassbewk. Phil McCracken has made his own suggestion for a name stating “Well I do think that the Maryport Death Star is pretty apt, you can totally see Coun McCarron-Holmes as a shoe in for Emperor Palpatine, but we all know what it really should be called - The Kendall Ball-Gag.”

Town Idiot Blasts Tour of Britain

MISERABLE MAN OF QUESTIONABLE PARENTAGE David Felcher has caused outrage amongst Cockermouth Fyassbewk users after ranting furiously the The Tour of Britain has destroyed the town. 

“It’s a disgrace!” lambasts the mutton chopped Felcher, “this so called cycling event snarling up the town, closing all the roads, disrupting the day to day lives of Cockermouthians who want to ditch their car outside the bookies on Station Street to put their 10p each way Yankee on. The only pleasure I have in this otherwise miserable existence. And I can’t even do that because of some bloody offcomers coming in with their barriers and stages for some push bikes. It’s not as though it’s a proper sport?! They wouldn’t close Main Street for Rugby League would they? Disgrace.”

The Tour of Britain transformed Cockermouth and the majority of Cumbria this week as the best of the worlds cyclists descended on the area to tackle the Cumbrian hills and take in the scenery. Stage 5, starting from Cockermouth Main Street, saw the first ever team time trial, with the cyclists racing to the visitors centre at Whinlatter via Lorton in 20 minutes.

Speed. I am speed. 

“And don’t even get me started on how dangerous this cycling lark is” continued Felcher, “I couldn’t get from Cockermouth to Whinlatter in 20 minutes in my car. How someone wasn’t killed is beyond me.”

Local businesses have rejoiced from the positive coverage of Cockermouth on television screens around the world. Cockermouth Traders Club spokesman Jonathan Smurfit took to Deekaboot lamenting on the benefits to the town “Yes there is nowhere to park on Main Street but the place is buzzing. People are in the shops. The town is now on the map again and not for being under 7ft of water. This is a great day for Cockermouth and Cockermouth businesses. Oh to be alive! And that Geraint Thomas in his Lycra has really drawn in the crowds! He won the Tour de France you say? Who knew? Look at those thighs...”

But the benefits of The Tour on the Cumbrian economy were lost on David Felcher, “two days they’ve closed Cockermouth because of these push bikes?! At least when it’s closed for that poncy Taste Cumbria lark I can get mesell a pint of Jennings, a brace of pheasant and a decent pie. The only thing I can get from these push bikes is a crick in the neck as they whizz past at 50 mile an hour. Why aren’t the police doing them for speeding?! It’s one rule for us....”

A spokesperson for The Tour of Britain was not available for comment, saying “This Felcher bloke obviously needs to get a life and a job.”