DOCUMENTARY PREMIERE CROWDS OVERJOYED AT CARNEGIE

JUBILANT SCENES were evident this week at The Carnegie Theatre in Workington at the World Premiere of the blockbuster fly-on-the-wall docudrama ‘Field of Dreams’ featuring an all star cast of Allerdale councillors.

“Field of Dreams is a tragic comedy set during the planning phase for the Workington Community Stadium, lovingly known as the Jam Factory” explained local arts connoisseur Arkel Bucklefist, “a camera crew followed the main protagonists during their struggles to get two warring clans to join in peace to bring to life a vision of modernity, sport, regeneration and above all else fruit based conserves.”

“The parallels with the original ‘Field of Dreams’ starring Kevin Costner are uncanny. During one particularly heavily edited and obviously audibly redacted scene, the star of our film Coun Mark Fryer is seen getting increasingly frustrated by those who doubt that the stadium will ever reach capacity, that Workington Town will never get back to the Super League and that Workington Reds will ever raise higher in the football league than one sponsored by a substance more sticky than jam.”

“BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME” blasts a visibly frustrated Fryer, during the films climatic closing scene after the council is continually berated by stadium detractors on Fyassbewk and Twatter.

The theatrical poster for documentary blockbuster Field of Dreams

Members of the public at the world premiere were moved to tears of joy as they were informed that the Rugby League World Cup would be coming to the new Workington stadium. “I couldn’t bloody believe it!” gushed random member of the public and definitely not a Momentum card-carrying member Dawn Scooner, “finally after all the hard work put in by our Workington Labour comrades we can get the investment in facilities that this town desparately needs to distract visitors from how much of a hole Moorclose and Moss Bay actually are.”

“Shiny new buildings is exactly what the people of Workington need. It’ll help those Moss Bay residents realise that as long as we have taxpayers money to flitter away on vanity projects such as the Workington Jam Factory that they can hope that one day that they will be able to break in and nick some of the high end Sellafield and NHS computers. Let’s just hope they stop short of defecating in the corner of the offices.”

Not all members of the community were pleased with the film with Coun Mark Jenkinson leading calls for all the footage to be released to the public. “The amount of strategic bleeping out of key phrases throughout this so called documentary is disgraceful. It is pure propaganda straight out of the Communist Manifesto. The council are trying to hide behind commercial confidentiality to prevent the public from knowing the truth. I will be making representations to every person under the sun to get this information released to the hard working taxpayers of Allerdale.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale was not available for comment saying “After the success of Al and the Dales theatre company we took the strategic decision to invest in this docudramacomedy. Ticket sales are through the roof! We couldn’t be happier, the £7.50 we have made so far will go some way to pay for the £25million needed to build the Jam Factory. Let everyone know that the film will be playing in The Carnegie on loop for the next 863 days until the stadium opens. Kids and verified card carrying Momentum members get free entry.”

CAMPAIGNERS MADNESS THAT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON BARGAINS STORE

LOCAL CAMPAIGNER and keyboard warrior Amanda Freeloader has been shocked this week after discovering some people in Cockermouth night not actually want the town to be besmirched by out of town discount retailers. 

In a series of increasingly incredulous Fyassbewk comments on a rival news outlets page, Miss. Freeloader couldn’t believe that not everyone shares her view that Cockermouth needs a retailer of discount goods on the outskirts of the market town.

“I couldn’t believe what I was reading”, exclaimed a bewildered and angry Freeloader, “it is literal madness not to want free and easy access to such bargains. I thought everyone in the town agreed with me, I mean our Maud and young Paula were encouraging me to get this petition out in support of B&M and everyone on new houses that I spoke to outside Windmill Fisheries were all for the B&M.”

“You can imagine my shock when seeing on Fyassbewk that a load of, obviously offcomers to the town, didn’t want a B&M. I am sick to my back teeth of these B&Moaners going against the will of the people. Local people. People whose families go back in Cockermouth to the dawn of time. These offcomers with their fancy houses and flash motors - not proper Cockermouthians - who cares what they think.”

Miss. Freeloaders petition has had many tens of signatures supporting a B&M 

These views are not shared by Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands who is opposed to the Bargains and the Madness.

“It’s simply not true that all indigenous Cockermouthians want a B&M!” stated Cath Kidson emblazoned Ms. Christensen, “my family go back generations in this town and my views are as valid as some lazy oik from the New Houses! To have my family heritage called into question just because I married a man I met whilst studying at Cambridge is disgraceful. I object to being termed a B&Moaner - I’m a local taxpayer and I’m entitled to air my views on any social media platform I see fit!”

Local councillor and serial busybody Jeremy Crackpot was quick to rise to the defence of Miss. Freeloader’s position, “Frankly this application should have been approved the first time, and the second time. We are not happy with not getting the answer we want, so we will keep encouraging the developer to apply for this store until the planning committee are whipped into shape. We need to make sure we get more business rates collected from Cockermouth so we can pay for the nice shiny new stadium that the Labour voting tribes in Workington want and these snobby interloapers can piss off. We are having a B&M and that is that.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale BC was not available for comment, stating “Look, we are still shredding documents about the stadium before that Mark Jenkinson bloody requests them. We wore out our new redacting crayons and can’t run the risk. As for this B&M, the planning committee can’t be predetermined in their views unless they are whipped into shape which never happens ever. Our diligent councillors always make their own independent conclusions, never fall asleep in meetings and are never prodded to remember which way to vote. But we look forward to welcoming B&M to Cockermouth soon.”

“IT WOULD BE MADNESS TO REFUSE THESE BARGAINS” SAYS LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE

LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher has expressed his unwavering support for the re-submitted B&M planning application. The controversial development - the most devisive issue to hit Cockermouthians since the Great Cumberland Sausage debate of 1809 - will be in front of Allerdale planners soon. 

In a series of late-night, obviously Jennings fuelled, Fyassbewk posts Felcher made his position on the matter quite clear. “It’s a disgrace!” lamented half-cut Felcher, “These plans have been rejected once by the liberal bourgeoise of Allerdale planning with no consideration whatsoever for the retired working-class salt-of-the-earth man like me who needs shops like B&M to dispatch our Deirdre too so I can watch the football in peace. Do they not know how dear Aldi is? B&M all the way for me. Selfish, toffee-nosed, bastards!”

Feelings have been running high in the town, with an obvious divide emerging between the New Houses and Parklands brigade on the issue. A petition has been established for a “People’s Vote” to settle the issue amongst Cockermothians disgusted that the democratic will of the people isn’t being heard.

A selection of B&M fayre intended to satisfy the Cockermouth poshos

“We need a People’s Vote to ensure that the views of the ordinary working man and woman are heard loud and clear” states Windmill Lane resident Amanda Freeloader, “the unrepresentative planning committee need to know that the people of Cockermouth want freedom of movement to our discount retailers without having to get a bus. I’ve been after a new Corona telly cabinet for ages and I don’t want to have to pay ower the odds for it! My Universal Credit hardly covers my Sky-Q subscription as it is, let alone the cost of my Benson and Hedges since the government pushed the prices up. My petition is clear, our red lines are drawn around the B&M logo and we want them to come to Cockermouth!”

But not all Cockermouth residents share the view of Ms. Freeloader, with Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands leading the Vote Local Elections Are Very Exhausting, or Vote LEAVE campaign against the People’s Vote - “the democratic will of the people must be respected in this negotiation and the residents of Cockermouth who sit in the upper 52% of average earnings don’t want our beautiful town besmirched by yet another discount retailer that should be based in Workington, Maryport or somewhere else equally oikish like Seaton.”

Ms. Christensen has garnered support from Jonathan Smurfit, spokesman for Cockermouth Traders Club who stared “Cockermouth Traders have had enough. Not only are we at our wits end about some bell-end smashing our windows, but now we have to see off the threat of B&M again? We have had enough. Do people not realise that free-market capitalism only works if you don’t let competition into the town?! How are businesses that sell high quality toys, hardware and general food stuffs supposed to compete with B&M’s bargain basement pricing? These out of town shopping centres are bad enough, but one that will actually shatter our near monopolies in the town? That’s a step too far.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson told The Cockermouth Standard “Look we have only just finished our course on ‘How to redact confidential commercial documents that obviously support the Workington Stadium and jam-factory.’ We don’t have time to meddle in the dealings of Cockermouth, I mean there’s an election coming and we need to make sure we get all the tribes distracted by a shiny new stadium so they don’t notice how much we are putting their council tax up by.”

EXCLUSIVE - STADIUM JAM FACTORY AMBITIONS REVEALED

DESPARATE COUNCIL OFFICIALS have revealed that the bill for controversial £25M Workington Community stadium is going to rise by another £10M to fund an adjoining jam factory.

Rival news outlets revealed this week that redacted documents published by Allerdale Borough Council showed that the cost of the stadium, known locally as “Fryer’s Folly”, has sky rocketed by £10M to pay for Sellafield offices and an NHS facility. Allerdale BC, who redacted the documents with crayons, also tried to hide assumptions showing that Workington Town would need to be in Super League within 5 years and that Workington Reds would have to improve substantially beyond their current standard of shit, to have any chance of recouping the £25M of taxpayers investment.

The Cockermouth Standard can exclusively reveal that in another redesign the council is proposing to borrow another £10m to build an adjoining jam factory, hopefully creating 500 jobs and providing significant environmental benefits to the area.

An artists impression of Fryer’s Folly Community Stadium and Jam Factory

Local treehugger and nuclear and coal mining protester Ms. Candida Underarm welcomes the authorities move “Construction of a jam factory in Workington will result in significant reductions in carbon emissions resulting from taking over 900 lorries off the road per week bringing Workington and Whitehaven’s primary food source from factories in the midlands and abroad. Finally, some investment in this area that doesn’t involve atoms or coal or any of the industries that actually provide west Cumbrians with jobs or hope for the future. Allerdale should be applauded for accelerating our vision for west Cumbria to be a desolate economic wasteland.”

Pigeon enthusiast and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher is less enthusiastic about the scheme. “It’s a disgrace” spouts rosacea nosed Felcher, “not only is this stadium excluding speedway and pigeon fanciers but now is a shrine for the west Cumbria Labour Holy Trinity of Nuclear, the NHS and jam?! And who is going to end up paying the bill for these 45 regular spectators of rugby and questionable football to have posh seats? It’s going to be the hardworking retired Cockermouthian ratespayers.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson said “Look we are busy. We have all been sent on a how to create PDFs without disclosing confidential commercial assumptions in the background course. The crayons have been worn down to the stub! Frankly all this fuss is much ado about nowt - who doesn’t like jam?!”

SHOCK AS POLITICAL TURKEYS DON’T VOTE FOR CHRISTMAS

CUMBRIAN VOTERS were left flabbergastered this week after a posse of Cumbrian political turkeys refused to accept their inevitable fate by rejecting local government reform for Cumbria yet again. 

The Cumbria Borough Council Leaders group announced that they are unwilling to negotiate for any deal other than the one they like, putting the possibility of local government reform for Cumbria firmly on the back burner.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments local government officianado and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher, “these turkeys aren’t going to vote for an early Christmas. I mean look at them, they’re pretty much ready for the chopping block, but refuse to play ball. Too used to their allowances, as if they’re going to vote themselves out of a job.”

Cumbria is considered one of the most over governed places in the country. With seven local authorities and the Lake District National Park having responsibilities for everything from planning, refuse collections and local roads.

A Cumbrian Councillor finally accepts the inevitable 

Professor Carole Singer from the University of Life is a world recognised authority on Cumbrian politics and in an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard she stated that the Council leaders “don’t have a bloody clue.”

“Cumbria has a population just shy of half a million people. The fact that we have over 300 councillors between districts and county all creaming off between £3,000 and £30,000 a year in allowances means it isn’t in their interests to vote for reform. It isn’t in the interests of the council management either, the top brass all earn over £100,000 per year - as if they want to give that up.”

“In a week when Theresa May couldn’t negotiate her way out of a paper bag”, continued Prof. Singer, “These councillors couldn’t negotiate a future for Cumbria if their lives depended on it. I mean come on, local government is a publicly funded ego trip - Yes Minister taught us that.”

Local people are reported to be in a state of bewilderment regarding the political situation. Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48 of The Parklands, told The Cockermouth Standard “These politicians need to start realising what is important to the woman on the Clapham omnibus. Will I still be able to get my fois gras in a no deal Brexit? Why on earth is the threat of B&M upon us once more? How much of my £396 per month council tax is spent on ball gags and spit hoods? This is what we need to know!”

As we near the Christmas period, David Felcher has a message for all the councillors wishing to put their own interests in front of the people’s “We aren’t gonna put up with it anymore. These lot need to crack on and ditch themselves so our Moira’s job as a lollipop lady and our Michael’s job as a housing officer are safe. Too much spent on all them with their noses firmly in the trough. And if it means I down have to see that bloody stock photo of Alan Smith in the news anymore then all the better. The only photo of a fat lad in a suit I want to see this time of year is one of Santa Claus.”

COMPLAINTS OF SHODDY SANTA SLEIGH SERVICE

CHARITY SANTA SLEIGHS are courting controversy this festive season by not spreading joy and cheer to every single front door in the area, providing an individual service that the modern day snowflakes expect.  

Cockermouth Round Table, Maryport Round Table and Workington and Derwent Rotary members have brought Santa to visit many of the areas towns and villages for many years, but more and more people are getting increasingly frustrated by these volunteers not going to every single door personally.

“It’s a disgrace” vents red-nosed self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “these clubs are filled with offcomers and they don’t even have the common decency to drive their sleigh down my cul-de-sac down the bottom end of Slatefell Drive. Apparently the common hardworking man isn’t worthy of a visit from Santa. Apparently I should have took my grandkids out in the cold wind and rain to stand at the road end for 45 seconds. Well screw that! I haven’t paid my council tax for all these years to be treated like a second class citizen! It’s not as though there are parked cars down both sides of the road. They’re down the middle as well. Can these feckless lot not tow a caravan?!”

Santa - Not knock, knock, knocking on people’s doors

A spokesperson for the Society Against Nastiness, Trolling and Abuse of Clubs Looking to Amuse Universal Society (SANTACLAUS) said “Every year service clubs invest considerable time and effort away from their families to spread some Christmas cheer and raise funds for their local communities. Despite the huge sacrifices made by these people they often get trolled on Fyassbewk or Twatter because “they didn’t come down my street” or “they only come when I’m at work” or “when are you doing my road” for the seven-hundred and ninety millionth time.”

But local community activist Charlene Tinseltits is having none of it “These bloody do-gooders  refuse to come down my lane. I’ve PM’d their Fyassbewk page about seven thousand times and I’ve never had a bloody dicky bird back. 24 hours notice isn’t good enough eh. Some of us might have a client round. I need to make sure I round up the kids from their various dads. Santa isn’t the only ho-ho-ho in this neighbourhood. Self righteous prick.”

The SANTACLAUS spokesperson had a message for Ms. Tinseltits “On behalf of SANTACLAUS, I wish to apologise to Ms. Tinseltits. How dare our volunteer organisations not provide an individual service to every single person in the whole universe. In recompense, we have instructed a personal visit from our local volunteer club with their Santa sleigh to personally deliver the sack full of coal she obviously deserves. Won’t be the last time a fat bloke empties his sack in her living room. Merry Christmas.”

PUBLIC TO BE CONSULTED ON NEW MULTI USE STADIUM

ALLERDALE COUNCIL have announced that there is to be a public consultation into the proposed design and use of the new Workington multi-purpose stadium. 

Following recent controversy that a Speedway track may not be included in the concept, a spokesperson has exclusively revealed to The Cockermouth Standard that the proposed stadium will be all encompassing and cover a wide range of sports. Rugby League, Football, Uppies-and-Downies, Speedway, Mud-wrestling and seasonal bog snorkelling will all be available at the new Mark Fryer Workington Community Stadium.

An overly excitable spokesperson stated “We have listened to the community and will continue to listen to everyone in the community who supports the stadium. Speedway will of course be accommodated. As will use of the periodic inevitable flooding of the stadium and surrounding areas for the historic Cumbrian pursuits of bog snorkelling and Cumberland and Westmorland Mud Wrestling.”

An artists impression of the new stadium in seasonal bog snorkelling mode

The potential cost of the new multi-purpose stadium is expected to be in the order of £15m. Local curmudgeon and self-proclaimed man of the people David Felcher has raised concerns with the council about their plans.

“It’s a disgrace” exhaled a barbecued pork chops coloured Felcher, “not only is it 100% certain that this facility will flood between now and 2150 but they’re only accommodating pathetic sports like rugby league and football. Where’s the accommodation for the pigeon fanciers? It’s going to be paid for by the Cockermothian taxpayer this monstrosity, where’s our benefit?”

With respect to the siting of the new stadium Felcher has other concerns “Why isn’t it up at Moorclose? Surely that’ll stop that lad up there banging on about there being nowt to do every five minutes. That might be worth the £15million just to shut him up? I’ll be letting Allerdale know my views, but again they are discriminating against us salt of the earth pigeon fanciers - apparently they won’t accept messages sent by pigeon.”

The Allerdale spokesperson addressed some of Mr. Felchers concerns stating “We are not closed minded in this consultation other than to people who don’t want it to be built or want it built anywhere other than the site identified. Also, we can’t accept communications dispatched by pigeon for health and safety reasons - some of our Conservative councillors may try to hunt them and we can’t afford any more windows being shot out.”