Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Chaos after Cockermouthian Culinary Choice

TASTE CUMBRIA WHITEHAVEN descended into chaos yesterday after a Cockermouth resident expressed her aversion to a popular Copeland food source.

Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, planned to stock up on her favourite Taste Cumbria treats from Fois Gras, toffee based vodka products and overpriced artisan baked goods.

Talking exclusively to The Cockermouth Standard, Ms. Christensen recounted her experience; “As I spoke to stall holders to see what fayre they had on offer, I made a shocking discovery. At every single stall it was the same offer: ‘We have jam. Jam and egg. Jam, jam, jam and beans. Jam, egg, beans and jam. Egg, bacon and jam. Jam, sausage, bacon, jam, egg and jam. Jam, sausage, jam, jam, jam bacon, jam, tomato and jam.’ I was traumatised.”

Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Jam Specialist Mrs. Wilma Pectin

“I finally snapped when I thought I had found something more suited to a trained sophisticated Parklands palate when offered ‘Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top....... and jam’”

At this point Ms. Christensen made the worst cultural faux pas you can make in Whitehaven, exclaiming loudly “BUT I DON’T LIKE JAM!”

Stall holder and Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Jam officianado Mrs. Wilma Pectin explained the events that followed; “Well a couple of well built lads from Kells, dressed in traditional Viking-wear, took exception to this disgraceful affront to Whitehaven culture, and along with the Whitehaven Male Voice Choir - who just popped in for a couple of jars of damson and blackeyt - started singing the Whitehaven national anthem ‘Jam, jam, jam, jam, jam-de-jam, jam-a-de-jam!’”

Ms. Christensen offends the population of Whitehaven declaring her distaste for Fruit based preserves

Chaos ensued as the entire Taste Cumbria Whitehaven crowd joined in with the rousing chorus, causing Ms. Christensen to blush severely. “I have never been so embarrassed” explained the strawberry-red Christensen, “to have several thousand people all break into chorus because you have an aversion to fruit based preserves. My dignity was in tatters. Mr. Christensen and I fled for our very lives. I needed to get to Shills for some prosecco and imported olives to calm down.”

A spokesperson for Taste Cumbria Whitehaven said “We can see where Ms. Christensen went wrong. She assumed that Taste Cumbria Cockermouth had gone to Copeland - however we tailor our events to suit the culinary tastes of that particular area. When in Whitehaven - you sell jam. When in Cockermouth - you sell any ponsy old crap that will con those mugs out of their money.”

Mrs. Wilma Pectin declared some sympathy for Ms. Christensen; “I get that some terrible, immoral, disgusting people do not enjoy the sweet fruity nectar handed to us from God. I accept that these kind of people exist. Ms. Christensen didn’t know what to expect from her Whitehaven adventure, she probably never comes here unless she has a meeting in Albion Square. She doesn’t understand.”

Whitehaven celebrity and dentist’s wet-dream Mr. Peter Nickedit however was less sympathetic “Come to Whitehaven and you don’t like jam? Dead, eh.”

REVIEW - MARYPORT LIVE! “Like Blues, but less miserable”

MARYPORT LIVE! - the last-minute replacement for the traditional Maryport Blues Festival kicked off last night and The Cockermouth Standard was there to take in the atmosphere and the revitalised trail.

“It’s like the Blues, but with less miserable music and less of those pretentious blues fans who only drink half pints of real ale shandy, tut loudly at anyone actually enjoying themselves and often are attired in a distinct combination of leather, denim, 27 year old band t-shirts, a Stetson, a ridiculously shiny oversized belt buckle and the last weeks worth of detritus from their various meals in their beard” stated local arts reviewer Arkle Bucklefist, writing exclusively in The Cockermouth Standard.

“Gone are those days where the last weekend in July meant having to listen to repetitive dinga-dinga durges being thrapped out on some third hand mock Les Paul, with singers in low dulcet tones whinging on about how they don’t have proper jobs. Now the Maryport pubs are full of happiness, with local bands playing songs people actually know and the Maryport landlords selling more than just half pints of ale shandy and Cheese XL crisps by the bucket load.”

Local publicans are overjoyed by the success of the first night of Maryport LIVE! A spokesman for the Maryport Publicans Against Miserable Music Campaign in a statement said “The joy on peoples faces that they have been able to enjoy the music in pubs in the last weekend of July. After 19 years of hurt, music is coming home.”

“Publicans are reporting bumper profits. With local Cumbrian drinkers filling our pubs rather than the miserly “blues crowd” we may actually turn a profit for the first time in decades! Gone are the days of normal people just bringing their own drink and getting hammered on Shipping Brow to avoid blues music at any cost - now they can come back into the pubs and dance to popular rock tunes they have actually heard of!”

Happiness has found its way back to Maryport

Arkle Bucklefist added that their may be inadvertent artistic benefits to the town; “We may actually produce more decent home grown bands now that young people can see that the crowd at the front aren’t overweight head nodders who nurse their half pint ale shandy’s with care. Now that people are dancing and overtly enjoying themselves, this may inspire a new generation of Maryport talent.”

Cockermouth-based rent-an-opinion and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher was the only unhappy face amongst an otherwise overjoyed crowd in the Labour Club last night adding “It’s a disgrace. Not only did I pay a fortune for my blues ticket only for it to be cancelled, but now I can’t even enjoy my half pint of ale shandy and packet of cheese XL without being distracted by someone enjoying themselves. Blues music is supposed to be about listening to some amazing guitarist filling the room with misery. Now people are dancing, and some arse has actually splashed something called “Blue WKD” on my prize belt buckle - it’ll take at least three pots of Brasso to buff out the damage.”

Maryport Blues Festival was cancelled earlier this month by Maryport Festivals Limited and local publicans decided to put carry on with a weekend of music in their pubs. A spokesperson for Maryport Festivals Limited was not available for comment saying “People enjoying themselves is not what blues is about. It was about the committee showing how nothing could ever be done by anyone else ever. This Maryport Live nonsense is a disgrace and just shows how petty people in this town is. I bet they got sponsorship from the councils too.”

Meanwhile, the Maryport Plumber Guild has released a statement regarding the impact Maryport LIVE! is having on their normal trade “As less rotund ale drinkers have descended on Maryport this year, the call outs from blocked toilets has plummeted to an all time low. Please drink more ale shandy’s to keep the Maryport Blues tradition of bringing our sewers to their knees alive!”

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Armoured Buses to Take Rugby League teams to Workington World Cup matches

WORRIED COUNCIL-WORKERS have booked two 1980’s style armoured buses to be used to transport rugby league teams to Workington should the bid to host Rugby League World Cup matches proves to be successful. 

Petrified of a reoccurrence of the despicable attack on international team coaches should the Rugby League World Cup return to Workington, council officials have reserved two Leyland National coaches, with steel reinforcement over the windows, to transport the lucky teams that will have the honour of playing at the Derwent Park stadium.

Blast from the Past - One of the Armoured Buses on Reserve

An unnamed council worker informed The Cockermouth Standard that “bringing the teams to Workington, the home of West Cumbrian rugby league, in a Workington-built - Workington-steel reinforced - Leyland National is extremely special given the heritage associated in this area with rugby, bus building, steel manufacture, socialist indoctrination, coal mining and industrial unrest. We have accelerated Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell’s plan to return this country to the glory days of the 1970s and 80s by at least five years!”

Cockermouth rent-a-gob and man of the people David Felcher fully supports the councils initiative; “What this area needs is to give itself a good reminder of the good old days when we didn’t answer to the EU, sports teams were shit scared in coming to this country and any risk of us having to put in a full shift of work meant that all comrades would be out on strike at a moments notice. Bringing back the good old reliable British Leyland National’s to transport our international rugby family to the premier stadium in this county is exactly the thing that an independent, backward - I mean - forward thinking nation like ours should do.”

“I am backing the bid 110%, and so are all the lads in the pigeon loft, even Jinky. The best thing to have happened to this area since we started converting those fucking buses into trains. Solid trains, that still run to this day, and that no one complains about. This is what Brexit is all about. Opportunity. Rugby. Industrial turmoil. Gammon.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was not available for comment, saying “Look we got enough shit years ago when some cock for brains vandalised that fucking bus. We aren’t taking any fucking chances this time. We thought - “what would Jesus do?” and the messiah Corbyn would of course want us to head straight back to the 80’s.”

When asked about how the potential World Cup bid would affect the chance of a new Workington combined sports stadium, the Allerdale spokesperson definitely didn’t say; “How else will we be able to convince people that spending money on a new Workington stadium is a good fucking idea? I mean, you try and make them numbers stack up - 120 reds fans and 500 town fans per fucking game. Give them an idea that we are a World Cup venue and hey presto the sheeple are back on side. Throw us a fucking bone here!! But not stones. And not at the fucking bus.”

Police Release Artists Impression of Hefty Fuel Thief

CUMBRIA CONSTABULARY have today released an artists impression of a rotund criminal and his thinner accomplice in an attempt to encourage members of the public to come forward with information regarding the theft of 200 litres of fuel from a Workington industrial estate on the 22nd July.

A spokesperson for the Police, Insp. Les B’Avenau made the following appeal for information, “The assailants are known by their pseudonyms ‘Hefty Hugh’ and ‘Lanky Len’ are considered extremely dangerous with previous convictions for animal larceny and an attempt on the theft of the Crown Jewels though the kidnap and blackmail of a monkey.”

Suspected Fuel Thieves “Hefty Hugh” and “Lanky Len”

“Cumbria Police are also interested in speaking to a further associate of the two suspects, a rather nosy Ladybird, who is allegedly stalking the two suspects and their “big black van” which contains a map, and a key and, according to intelligence, another cunning plan.”

The alleged assailants are known to operate during late night hours around industrial estates and farms, stealing fine prize cows and other livestock.

A spokesman from the Cockermouth Farmers’ Union explained; “At the dead of night, these two bad men, Hefty Hugh and Lanky Len, open gates while our members slept and tip-toe around these farms they crept.”

“Seemingly after their foiled attempt to convince Monkey-Joe to steal the Queen’s Crown, they are now back stealing fuel of all things. We fully support the cops, and hope they come - NEE NAH - and throw them away into their Panda Car.”

Local Man Set to Flout Hosepipe Ban

COCKERMOUTH SMART-ARSE and local entrepreneur Mr. Phil Braggs has gone on record that he is set to ignore the impending county-wide hosepipe ban by using an ingenious new invention - fast filling 100’s of water balloons at a time and popping them with a popular child’s foam-bullet gun. 

United Utilities announced on 17th July that a hosepipe ban will come into effect from the 5th August as reservoirs are at significantly low levels.

Mr. Braggs was disgusted by the news; “We live in the wettest place in the sodding country and after we finally get a summer for the first time since 1998, we aren’t allowed to water our begonias anymore with a hosepipe? It’s like living under a communist dictatorship!”

Anyone caught using a hosepipe to wash cars, water gardens or fill up swimming pools in areas where the Temporary Use Ban applies - or TUB as it is ironically known - can expect a significant fine and consternation from everyone else who plays by the fucking rules.

Mr. Braggs sadly thinks he is above the law; “The politburo at UU can frankly piss off” he expresses animatedly, “I pay my water rates and what do we get from UU? Roadworks all over the place because of some posh fucking mussels living in Ennerdale, stealing our water to keep the Mancs happy and water in Egremont that makes our fucking kettles explode! If I had my way, I’d cook up a nice Moules Mariniere and let the Mancs go dry. Why should I have to suffer with a lawn that’s turned the colour off piss?!”

Explaining that he had just paid over £1,000 to have new turf laid at his Riverdale estate home, Mr. Braggs explains how he will flout the ban; “my grandkids showed me this amazing invention recently where you don’t have to fill water balloons one at a time anymore like some sort of mug. They can now fill 100’s at a time! I plan to fill them up, place them over my new Wembley turf and then shoot at them with a nerf gun - my lawn will get watered if it’s the last thing I do!”

The latest in lawn watering technology?

Local environment enthusiast Ms. Ingritte P. Inabucket was disgusted; “I hope UU crack down hard on all those trying to get round the much needed hosepipe ban. Mr. Braggs so-called solution will just increase the plastic pollution crisis. I bet he didn’t even shed a single tear at Blue Planet 2, the heartless planet destroying bastard!”

A spokesperson for United Utilities was not available for comment, saying “the last thing we need is another fucking smart-arse coming up with a way to get round the system.”

The Cockermouth Standard as a responsible fake-news outlet would like to encourage all readers to “play by the fucking rules”. Some handy tips on how to save water and not be a bell-end like Mr. Braggs can be found at the United Utilities website.

Cockermouth Traders Set to Cash-in as God Closes Keswick

COCKERMOUTH BUSINESSES are reporting bumper profits this week following God Almighty closing Keswick for the foreseeable future.

The annual Keswick Convention sees up to 15,000 worshipers descend on Keswick bringing the town to its knees, in praise, of the Lord.

Chair of the Cockermouth Traders Club, Jonathan Smurfit explains the recent upturn in trade; “As Keswick effectively closes down for the throngs of deity and laity, we are taking the opportunity to warn the humble tourist that Cockermouth has better parking and an almost zero likelihood of being bothered by some bloody happy-clappy Christian type trying to get you to repent your sins whilst queuing up for an Old Keswickian fish supper.”

“By putting up signs on the A66 on the outskirts of Keswick saying “AVOID THE GOD-BOTHERERS AND COME TO COCKERMOUTH” the car parks are nearly all full - even Wakefield Road! My very own boutique of Cockermouthian essentials, such as Prosecco, Fois Gras, XL Crisps and Cheese pasties, has had a 1000% upturn in trade compared to last week! Praise the Lord!”

The Lord Almighty Proclaiming the Annual Closure of Keswick

The Keswick Convention were at the centre of a scheduling controversy after last years event, committing to bring the event forward a week to prevent overlapping the school holidays by such an extent, with some Keswick traders reporting a 90% drop in trade.

A spokesperson for Keswick residents, Brigadier Norman DeWinter said “The annual closure of Keswick by God himself is awfully inconvenient. Last year, a group of us decided to appeal to the Lord’s better nature, and pray that he would move the convention by a week. Thankfully our prayers have been answered.”

The Cockermouth Standard asked Brigadier DeWinter what he thought of the Cockermouth Traders Club advertising campaign, he added “Well if they get to reap some rewards from Keswick’s obvious popularity for a short period of time, that’s all very well and good. But God closes Keswick for a reason, and that reason is money, erm, sorry, because we are the blessed ones. Yes, money has nothing to do with it. Moving on.”

Cockermouth rent-an-opinion David Felcher has expressed his thoughts via his ever popular Fyassbewk page, stating “It’s a disgrace, all these tourists coming to the town taking up all the disabled parking spaces on Station Street. I can’t even park right outside Coral’s now before putting on my daily 10 pence each-way Lucky 15. If this is a miracle, then you can shove it! Don’t even get me started on the queue snaking outside of Greggs - Cockermouth should be for Cockermouthians not all these bloody off-comers.”

A spokesman for Keswick Ministries who organise the Convention stated they were not available for comment at this time.

Local Protester Supports F&M Development

SERIAL PROTESTER and local celebrity Jemima Christensen has ruffled considerable feathers today after posting on social media outlet Twatter her support for a controversial development in the town.

Ms. Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, stated in her 280 limited-character posting “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I wholeheartedly support F&M coming to Cockermouth. No longer will I have to make a special trip to London for my Fois Gras and Beluga! Hurrah! Right on my doorstep too - talk about convenience shopping!”

Allerdale councillors next Tuesday are expected to approve the application made by Opus North for a B&M Bargains store to be built next to the Lakes Home Centre.

After The Cockermouth Standard informed Ms. Christensen of her error, she was quite distraught: “You mean to tell me that Fortnum and Mason aren’t coming to Cockermouth and instead we are further supplying retail space for the New Houses oiks?! Well this just won’t do. Do B&M even stock Fois Gras?”

The B&M hamper of Ms. Christensen’s Dreams

“I am now on public record supporting a store that sells so-called discount goods! I don’t think I will ever be able to show my face at my weekly Prosecco club at Shills’ ever again. Is there a way you can delete posts from Twatter?! Or erase peoples memories!?”

Local online grammar enthusiast Mr. B. End took delight at Ms. Christensen’s faux pas stating “Well it serves Ms. Christensen right - there’s a big difference between a sodding B and an F isn’t there?!”

Fury as Furious Person makes Furious Claims

COCKERMOUTH RESIDENTS are up in arms as a furious person has been making furious claims furiously via social media outlet Fyassbewk.

In a series of online rants, local curmudgeon and pigeon fancier David Felcher has covered topics from the Christmas lights being too twinkly, the local road network being bereft of toll-bars, public subsidy for the annual gammon boiling competition and the car park ticket machines that require degree-level education to operate.

“It’s a disgrace” exclaims a gammon-faced Felcher, “this town is going down the pan and no matter how red I go in the face no-one will do anything about it. After years of being the one person at the back of town council meetings, taking notes and grunting in disgust at any of the councillors saying anything I don’t agree with, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and rant furiously on something my grandson calls Fyassbewk.”

Since starting his series of poorly researched and often misspelled rants, Mr. Felcher’s Fyassbewk page has reached over ten people. Mostly embarrassed members of Mr. Felcher’s family.

“The response has been amazing” explained Felcher, “now thousands upon thousands of people know exactly what I think about the state of this town and how we are under the control of the neo-liberal-communist-facist elite that run Allerdale and the Town Hall. I am going to bring the illuminati down.”

David Felcher has a reputation amongst Cockermothian’s as the town’s go to thought leader, should the opinion you wish to find originates from a simpler time. A time when the Cockermouth bypass wasn’t built, Millers Factory made shoes and “Love thy Neighbour” was considered appropriate for television.

“It’s a disgrace” spits a now nicely honey-glazed Felcher, “we spend money in this town on Christmas and I once got a lump of coal in 1957 in my stocking. It’s discrimination. I don’t celebrate Christmas or anything like that, so why should I pay for others enjoyment. I remember once going to the Lights Switch on and David Essex didn’t even know who I was.”

Felcher continues: “Don’t even get me started on the subsidy for the annual gammon boiling competition - taxpayers money that could be better spent on things I want. I want to grow the pigeon fancying club from its current record membership of three, where’s my subsidy? And as for offcomers coming into this town and demanding things like a Sainsbury’s and a Starbucks - the town was much better with the sweet smell of shit coming from Mitchell’s on a Monday and you got your coffee from Luchini’s in town - better, simpler times.”

The offending Christmas lights - a waste of ratepayers hard earned crust

In an exclusive for The Cockermouth Standard, local busy-body and community spokesman Gerald McFlustered has gone on the record regarding Mr. Felcher’s furious online tirades; “Frankly everyone thinks that he’s gone too far this time. It’s almost as bad as the dirty protest he made at the toilets being privatised by the council. Sadly this time, the smell of shit has gone from Main Street to what he’s writing on Fyassbewk. He needs to get himself down to The Swan and whinge in there in the environment where it has become accustomed over a pint or seven of the finest Jennings in the town.”

In a request for comment to a representative of the Town Council regarding the controversy over Mr. Felcher’s Fyassbewk fury, they told The Cockermouth Standard to “refer to the response given in the famous Pressdram vs. Arkell case - i.e. fuck off.”