SECRET STADIUM INVESTORS REVEALED BY THE COCKERMOUTH STANDARD

SECRET INVESTORS are being lined up to provide the £25M funding for the Workington Community Stadium and Jam Factory in a fifty-year deal that will place a near £100M liability on Allerdale taxpayers.

Allerdale BC revealed their updated business case for the stadium this week, in advance of the Labour Executive approving the plans before the upcoming May elections. In these documents, superbly redacted with their new crayons, they reveal that private investors will fund the development in return for a 50-year guaranteed yield hire purchase scheme that is in no way at all a Private Finance Initiative or PFI. The total cost of this arrangement to Allerdale Taxpayers will be £95M.

The Cockermouth Standard can exclusively reveal that the investors are none other than disgraced Wonga puppets Betty, Joyce and Earl.

“After Wonga went into administration, we needed somewhere to stash all the millions we took off some of the poorest people in society”, explained heartless octogenarian Earl, “we were used to charging exorbitant interest rates to people who would not otherwise get credit. When we heard of this hair-brained scheme to build an 8,000 seat stadium for the thronging crowds of Workington, and quadruple our money - we were more than happy to oblige!”

Rumours are circulating that key Allerdale assets are being put up as collateral to secure the Wonga-style PFI deal, with Workington Hall, Allerdale House and the keys to Coun McCarron-Holmes’ final horcrux being offered as tangible assets.

“They offered the Maryport Wave as collateral for the £25M investment”, explains biscuit-biting Betty, “and I had to tell that lovely Alan Smith fellow that while I maybe a puppet, I’m not a bleeding muppet!”

The reaction from members of the public have been mixed, with Fyassbewk forums ablaze with critique of the new deal.

“A Labour council signing up for another long-term PFI deal, when will they ever learn?”, lamented Allerdale Momentum spokesperson Poppy Sanders-Smyth, “come the glorious revolution when Comrade Corbyn takes control and mandatory electro-shock therapy makes everyone realise that property is theft, we will reinstate the gulags and have these communities build the much needed stadia for public floggings and recitals of the communist manifesto. Viva la Revolution!”

More extreme views were aired by token Tory toss-pot Xander Dickensian-Montague via Fyassbewk, “Another Labour council spending hard earned taxpayers money on vanity projects when we have more pressing issues facing the area and indeed the country. Borrowing money from elderly puppets at extortionate interest rates, this is going to place an unbelievable financial burden on our children and our children’s-children, and we have been trying our damndest to do this ourselves by forcing a no-deal Brexit.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale BC was not available for comment stating “Look, there’s an election coming up, so we can hide behind this thing called “Purdah” when we want to now whenever there are any hard questions or anything. It’s magical! Yes, we will only apply this when it suits, and, yes we are still going to let the executive burden whoever wins in May with a £95M fifty-year liability despite it being completely in contradiction to the Purdah rules, but we have to get this through before the Tories and the Indies ditch the stadium for something more sensible, like free bum-scratchers for all! Actually, that’s what we are planning next year. So don’t print that. Or I’ll get the Chief Exec to shout at your editor again.”

REVIEW - ANNUAL ALLERDALE PANTO - SNOW MONEY AND THE SEVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE A LITTLE BIT SHORT THIS WEEK

ALLERDALE COUNCILLORS swapped politics for panto this week as the overpriced, over budget and vastly late Allerdale Pantomime - Snow Money and the Seven People Who Are a Little Short This Week, an entertaining romp through the annual budget setting process for the council.

The cast of councillors was led ably in the starring role of Snow Money by Coun Barbie Cannonballs who declared that “There’s snow money left! The evil witch of the east Theresa Comewhatmay stole all our golden coins, so now we will have to borrow even more from the magic money tree if we are going to balance the books, build the magic stadium and find my Prince Charming!”

Snow Money was often interrupted in her financial declarations by The Ugly Sisters, roles no doubt typecast for Coun Alan Gollygosh and Coun Tony AnRAFman who sniped and bickered throughout the panto to raucous laughter from the assembled crowd of eleven who turned up.

“Typical of my ugly sister Tony, he knows there’s Snow Money and he doesn’t want the evil Taxsnatcher to be able to take lots of gold coins off the Seven People Who Are a Little Bit Short this week. Your budget is a fairytale! You’re making it all up!” Declared Ugly Sister Gollygosh.

“Oh no I’m not!” Recoiled Ugly Sister AnRAFMan, “Everyone in the village has had enough of the evil Taxsnatcher taking their hard earned gold coins. All that you and Snow Money want to do is take their money and spend it on a quest to find the magic stadium at the end of the rainbow!”

But Snow Money had enough of The Ugly Sisters bickering and ran away, confident that her fiscal prowess would see her through. On her journey she bumped into the Seven People Who Are a Little Short This Week.

Agast, Snow Money played amazingly by Coun Cannonball declared “Wait a minute! I thought you were supposed to be the Seven Dwarves!”

Horrified, the Seven People Who are a Little Bit Short This Week explained to Snow Money the errors of her ways.

“We have passed a motion unanimously that such disability discrimination should be stopped!” yawned Sleepy, played by Coun Billy Mispelly.

“Yes, the evil Taxsnatcher has discriminated against us for far too long. We don’t want him to take anymore of our gold coins. Coins the people of Moorclose have had taken off them for far too long!” shouted Sneezy, played by Coun Stephen SpitTheDog.

The bickering was interrupted by a musical number sang by Coun Adrian Doesn’t-Turnup who played Doc, “I think the evil Taxsnatcher, Snow Money and the Ugliest of The Ugly sisters all need to realise that........ I’ve got a degree and they should listen to me! There isn’t a magic money tree. The magic stadium will not come for free, stop this nonsense and vote Tory!”

“I’m sick of these Tories!” Declared Dopey, played by Coun Tony LieWood, “they all have Munchkin disease. They would drop a house on your head only to steal your shoes and try and rescue you but all the cuts to the NHS would mean that despite a house being dropped on your head that you would die!”

“Booooo!” came the roars from the delighted audience as Grumpy, played by Coun Alan Bitcher, stood up to tell Dopey off “How do you not know that people in my family don’t have Munchkin disease? We have just passed a motion saying disability discrimination is abhorrent! Now you claim Tories all have Munchkin disease, a serious mental illness. Not only are you Dopey, you’re a disgraceful Person Who is a Little Bit Short This Week.”

The supporting cast of People Who Are a Little Bit Short This Week was augmented by Coun John Crouched playing Happy, and Coun Nicky Knobscorch, ironically playing Bashful.

Snow Money continued on her quest to find her Prince Charming, only to be confronted by the evil Taxsnatcher, phenomenonally played by Coun Mark Fryer Tuck-all-the-money. “Make sure you get all the golden coins off everyone in the village Snow Money. Shake the magic money tree and make sure you get all the gold so we can build the magic stadium and jam mine. We will take all the tax we can!!”

The Evil Queen, played by Coun Carni McBoat-Face, caught up with Snow Money and made her take a bite of the poisoned apple. Sadly, the magic mirror was cut from the panto late in the day as they kept on shattering. The Evil Queen was swept away atop her trusty steed, the pantomime horse, front end played by Coun Michael Heslipped and the back end played by Coun Mark Facebookson, who took to Fyassbewk (again), to express his disgust at the casting.

“The process for picking roles for the Allerdale Panto is shrouded in secrecy and corruption. I call on the chief exec to have open auditions. Typical Labour waste.” ranted Coun Facebookson on Fyassbewk.

The hero of the panto, Prince Charming was delightfully played by Coun Konrad Handsome, who delighted the audience with his heartfelt monalogue expressing how he won’t be able to take part in future pantos after he had been deselected by Momentum.

Thankfully for all of us, Coun Handsome avoided this panto becoming a tragedy by not kissing Snow Money. But the budget still passed to the delight of the evil Taxsnatcher and all the villagers will have to part with more of their golden coins to pay for the magic stadium and to plant the magic money tree.

Thank goodness this farce only comes round once a year. No stars.

COUNCIL LEADER CONFIRMS ROBERTSONS JAM STADIUM DEAL

ALLERDALE COUNCIL LEADER Alan Smith this week let it slip on his personal Fyassbewk page that the Workington Community Stadium and Jam Factory is to be exclusively sponsored by iconic British brand Robertson’s.

The announcement has been met with mixed reactions, with supporters of Britain Furst and Tommy Robinson delighted, and other actual members of the human race, completely and utterly disgusted at potential racialist undertones.

“I am delighted!”, exclaimed self-proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “more jobs for the jam eaters and a celebration of the casual racism that old school Cumberland gammons like me relish. I’ve dusted off my old VHS recordings of Love thy Neighbour, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and ‘Til Death Us Do Part, for a good old fashioned celebration of all things casually racist. I mean come on, golliwogs aren’t racist - they were on jam jars! I reckon Fyassbewk have censored Coun Smith in their purge of truth tellers like him and our Tommy. Bastards.”

Claims that Coun Smith’s Facebook account was hacked in a politically motivated attack were made across the media citing that the Robertson’s Jam announcement was a complete and utter hoax.

A storm in a jam-jar or unacceptable casual racism?

Cyber security expert Xavier Pokemone explained to The Cockermouth Standard that this is a rather unlikely scenario. “It is pretty inconceivable that Coun Smith is the victim of a malicious cyber hacking attack. The likely perpetrators would be Russia, China and North Korea, and as we all know The Peoples Republic of Allerdale is pretty closely aligned politically to all these groups. He could have been looking at some rather risqué websites in special alone times, but more than likely he just shared it of his own volition. We will never really know.”

Cockermouth socialite and token mouthpiece, Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands is disgusted by the alleged Fyassbewk posting. “I can’t believe this post has apparently been shared by an upstanding member of the community. In the week that Tommy Robinson is banned, Momo is terrorising our little ones, to have a senior gentleman sharing racist nostalgia is just the last straw. All these people should be banned from the internet for life!”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was unavailable for comment saying “Look, this is a storm in a teacup. The Glorious Leader has deleted his account and is telling you it wasn’t him. If you don’t stop printing this rubbish we will have no choice but to get our Chief Exec to be very shouty with your editor and storm off in a big strop for doing your job. This isn’t censorship, it’s purely ensuring that we have the right leader following the elections next May, otherwise we will have wasted over £1million on this bloody stadium for the Tories and the Indies to can it and we all want to see a replay of Scotland against Samoa in the rugby World Cup! Vote Labour!”

P.s. Remember dear reader, The Cockermouth Standard is “fake news”. Who knows what happened. But let’s not be racists. Even casual racism, is still, well, racism. Ed.

DOCUMENTARY PREMIERE CROWDS OVERJOYED AT CARNEGIE

JUBILANT SCENES were evident this week at The Carnegie Theatre in Workington at the World Premiere of the blockbuster fly-on-the-wall docudrama ‘Field of Dreams’ featuring an all star cast of Allerdale councillors.

“Field of Dreams is a tragic comedy set during the planning phase for the Workington Community Stadium, lovingly known as the Jam Factory” explained local arts connoisseur Arkel Bucklefist, “a camera crew followed the main protagonists during their struggles to get two warring clans to join in peace to bring to life a vision of modernity, sport, regeneration and above all else fruit based conserves.”

“The parallels with the original ‘Field of Dreams’ starring Kevin Costner are uncanny. During one particularly heavily edited and obviously audibly redacted scene, the star of our film Coun Mark Fryer is seen getting increasingly frustrated by those who doubt that the stadium will ever reach capacity, that Workington Town will never get back to the Super League and that Workington Reds will ever raise higher in the football league than one sponsored by a substance more sticky than jam.”

“BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME” blasts a visibly frustrated Fryer, during the films climatic closing scene after the council is continually berated by stadium detractors on Fyassbewk and Twatter.

The theatrical poster for documentary blockbuster Field of Dreams

Members of the public at the world premiere were moved to tears of joy as they were informed that the Rugby League World Cup would be coming to the new Workington stadium. “I couldn’t bloody believe it!” gushed random member of the public and definitely not a Momentum card-carrying member Dawn Scooner, “finally after all the hard work put in by our Workington Labour comrades we can get the investment in facilities that this town desparately needs to distract visitors from how much of a hole Moorclose and Moss Bay actually are.”

“Shiny new buildings is exactly what the people of Workington need. It’ll help those Moss Bay residents realise that as long as we have taxpayers money to flitter away on vanity projects such as the Workington Jam Factory that they can hope that one day that they will be able to break in and nick some of the high end Sellafield and NHS computers. Let’s just hope they stop short of defecating in the corner of the offices.”

Not all members of the community were pleased with the film with Coun Mark Jenkinson leading calls for all the footage to be released to the public. “The amount of strategic bleeping out of key phrases throughout this so called documentary is disgraceful. It is pure propaganda straight out of the Communist Manifesto. The council are trying to hide behind commercial confidentiality to prevent the public from knowing the truth. I will be making representations to every person under the sun to get this information released to the hard working taxpayers of Allerdale.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale was not available for comment saying “After the success of Al and the Dales theatre company we took the strategic decision to invest in this docudramacomedy. Ticket sales are through the roof! We couldn’t be happier, the £7.50 we have made so far will go some way to pay for the £25million needed to build the Jam Factory. Let everyone know that the film will be playing in The Carnegie on loop for the next 863 days until the stadium opens. Kids and verified card carrying Momentum members get free entry.”

CAMPAIGNERS MADNESS THAT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON BARGAINS STORE

LOCAL CAMPAIGNER and keyboard warrior Amanda Freeloader has been shocked this week after discovering some people in Cockermouth night not actually want the town to be besmirched by out of town discount retailers. 

In a series of increasingly incredulous Fyassbewk comments on a rival news outlets page, Miss. Freeloader couldn’t believe that not everyone shares her view that Cockermouth needs a retailer of discount goods on the outskirts of the market town.

“I couldn’t believe what I was reading”, exclaimed a bewildered and angry Freeloader, “it is literal madness not to want free and easy access to such bargains. I thought everyone in the town agreed with me, I mean our Maud and young Paula were encouraging me to get this petition out in support of B&M and everyone on new houses that I spoke to outside Windmill Fisheries were all for the B&M.”

“You can imagine my shock when seeing on Fyassbewk that a load of, obviously offcomers to the town, didn’t want a B&M. I am sick to my back teeth of these B&Moaners going against the will of the people. Local people. People whose families go back in Cockermouth to the dawn of time. These offcomers with their fancy houses and flash motors - not proper Cockermouthians - who cares what they think.”

Miss. Freeloaders petition has had many tens of signatures supporting a B&M 

These views are not shared by Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands who is opposed to the Bargains and the Madness.

“It’s simply not true that all indigenous Cockermouthians want a B&M!” stated Cath Kidson emblazoned Ms. Christensen, “my family go back generations in this town and my views are as valid as some lazy oik from the New Houses! To have my family heritage called into question just because I married a man I met whilst studying at Cambridge is disgraceful. I object to being termed a B&Moaner - I’m a local taxpayer and I’m entitled to air my views on any social media platform I see fit!”

Local councillor and serial busybody Jeremy Crackpot was quick to rise to the defence of Miss. Freeloader’s position, “Frankly this application should have been approved the first time, and the second time. We are not happy with not getting the answer we want, so we will keep encouraging the developer to apply for this store until the planning committee are whipped into shape. We need to make sure we get more business rates collected from Cockermouth so we can pay for the nice shiny new stadium that the Labour voting tribes in Workington want and these snobby interloapers can piss off. We are having a B&M and that is that.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale BC was not available for comment, stating “Look, we are still shredding documents about the stadium before that Mark Jenkinson bloody requests them. We wore out our new redacting crayons and can’t run the risk. As for this B&M, the planning committee can’t be predetermined in their views unless they are whipped into shape which never happens ever. Our diligent councillors always make their own independent conclusions, never fall asleep in meetings and are never prodded to remember which way to vote. But we look forward to welcoming B&M to Cockermouth soon.”

“IT WOULD BE MADNESS TO REFUSE THESE BARGAINS” SAYS LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE

LOCAL TIGHT-ARSE and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher has expressed his unwavering support for the re-submitted B&M planning application. The controversial development - the most devisive issue to hit Cockermouthians since the Great Cumberland Sausage debate of 1809 - will be in front of Allerdale planners soon. 

In a series of late-night, obviously Jennings fuelled, Fyassbewk posts Felcher made his position on the matter quite clear. “It’s a disgrace!” lamented half-cut Felcher, “These plans have been rejected once by the liberal bourgeoise of Allerdale planning with no consideration whatsoever for the retired working-class salt-of-the-earth man like me who needs shops like B&M to dispatch our Deirdre too so I can watch the football in peace. Do they not know how dear Aldi is? B&M all the way for me. Selfish, toffee-nosed, bastards!”

Feelings have been running high in the town, with an obvious divide emerging between the New Houses and Parklands brigade on the issue. A petition has been established for a “People’s Vote” to settle the issue amongst Cockermothians disgusted that the democratic will of the people isn’t being heard.

A selection of B&M fayre intended to satisfy the Cockermouth poshos

“We need a People’s Vote to ensure that the views of the ordinary working man and woman are heard loud and clear” states Windmill Lane resident Amanda Freeloader, “the unrepresentative planning committee need to know that the people of Cockermouth want freedom of movement to our discount retailers without having to get a bus. I’ve been after a new Corona telly cabinet for ages and I don’t want to have to pay ower the odds for it! My Universal Credit hardly covers my Sky-Q subscription as it is, let alone the cost of my Benson and Hedges since the government pushed the prices up. My petition is clear, our red lines are drawn around the B&M logo and we want them to come to Cockermouth!”

But not all Cockermouth residents share the view of Ms. Freeloader, with Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands leading the Vote Local Elections Are Very Exhausting, or Vote LEAVE campaign against the People’s Vote - “the democratic will of the people must be respected in this negotiation and the residents of Cockermouth who sit in the upper 52% of average earnings don’t want our beautiful town besmirched by yet another discount retailer that should be based in Workington, Maryport or somewhere else equally oikish like Seaton.”

Ms. Christensen has garnered support from Jonathan Smurfit, spokesman for Cockermouth Traders Club who stared “Cockermouth Traders have had enough. Not only are we at our wits end about some bell-end smashing our windows, but now we have to see off the threat of B&M again? We have had enough. Do people not realise that free-market capitalism only works if you don’t let competition into the town?! How are businesses that sell high quality toys, hardware and general food stuffs supposed to compete with B&M’s bargain basement pricing? These out of town shopping centres are bad enough, but one that will actually shatter our near monopolies in the town? That’s a step too far.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson told The Cockermouth Standard “Look we have only just finished our course on ‘How to redact confidential commercial documents that obviously support the Workington Stadium and jam-factory.’ We don’t have time to meddle in the dealings of Cockermouth, I mean there’s an election coming and we need to make sure we get all the tribes distracted by a shiny new stadium so they don’t notice how much we are putting their council tax up by.”

EXCLUSIVE - STADIUM JAM FACTORY AMBITIONS REVEALED

DESPARATE COUNCIL OFFICIALS have revealed that the bill for controversial £25M Workington Community stadium is going to rise by another £10M to fund an adjoining jam factory.

Rival news outlets revealed this week that redacted documents published by Allerdale Borough Council showed that the cost of the stadium, known locally as “Fryer’s Folly”, has sky rocketed by £10M to pay for Sellafield offices and an NHS facility. Allerdale BC, who redacted the documents with crayons, also tried to hide assumptions showing that Workington Town would need to be in Super League within 5 years and that Workington Reds would have to improve substantially beyond their current standard of shit, to have any chance of recouping the £25M of taxpayers investment.

The Cockermouth Standard can exclusively reveal that in another redesign the council is proposing to borrow another £10m to build an adjoining jam factory, hopefully creating 500 jobs and providing significant environmental benefits to the area.

An artists impression of Fryer’s Folly Community Stadium and Jam Factory

Local treehugger and nuclear and coal mining protester Ms. Candida Underarm welcomes the authorities move “Construction of a jam factory in Workington will result in significant reductions in carbon emissions resulting from taking over 900 lorries off the road per week bringing Workington and Whitehaven’s primary food source from factories in the midlands and abroad. Finally, some investment in this area that doesn’t involve atoms or coal or any of the industries that actually provide west Cumbrians with jobs or hope for the future. Allerdale should be applauded for accelerating our vision for west Cumbria to be a desolate economic wasteland.”

Pigeon enthusiast and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher is less enthusiastic about the scheme. “It’s a disgrace” spouts rosacea nosed Felcher, “not only is this stadium excluding speedway and pigeon fanciers but now is a shrine for the west Cumbria Labour Holy Trinity of Nuclear, the NHS and jam?! And who is going to end up paying the bill for these 45 regular spectators of rugby and questionable football to have posh seats? It’s going to be the hardworking retired Cockermouthian ratespayers.”

Allerdale BC were not available for comment. A spokesperson said “Look we are busy. We have all been sent on a how to create PDFs without disclosing confidential commercial assumptions in the background course. The crayons have been worn down to the stub! Frankly all this fuss is much ado about nowt - who doesn’t like jam?!”