SHOCK AS POLITICAL TURKEYS DON’T VOTE FOR CHRISTMAS

CUMBRIAN VOTERS were left flabbergastered this week after a posse of Cumbrian political turkeys refused to accept their inevitable fate by rejecting local government reform for Cumbria yet again. 

The Cumbria Borough Council Leaders group announced that they are unwilling to negotiate for any deal other than the one they like, putting the possibility of local government reform for Cumbria firmly on the back burner.

“It’s a disgrace!” laments local government officianado and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher, “these turkeys aren’t going to vote for an early Christmas. I mean look at them, they’re pretty much ready for the chopping block, but refuse to play ball. Too used to their allowances, as if they’re going to vote themselves out of a job.”

Cumbria is considered one of the most over governed places in the country. With seven local authorities and the Lake District National Park having responsibilities for everything from planning, refuse collections and local roads.

A Cumbrian Councillor finally accepts the inevitable 

Professor Carole Singer from the University of Life is a world recognised authority on Cumbrian politics and in an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard she stated that the Council leaders “don’t have a bloody clue.”

“Cumbria has a population just shy of half a million people. The fact that we have over 300 councillors between districts and county all creaming off between £3,000 and £30,000 a year in allowances means it isn’t in their interests to vote for reform. It isn’t in the interests of the council management either, the top brass all earn over £100,000 per year - as if they want to give that up.”

“In a week when Theresa May couldn’t negotiate her way out of a paper bag”, continued Prof. Singer, “These councillors couldn’t negotiate a future for Cumbria if their lives depended on it. I mean come on, local government is a publicly funded ego trip - Yes Minister taught us that.”

Local people are reported to be in a state of bewilderment regarding the political situation. Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48 of The Parklands, told The Cockermouth Standard “These politicians need to start realising what is important to the woman on the Clapham omnibus. Will I still be able to get my fois gras in a no deal Brexit? Why on earth is the threat of B&M upon us once more? How much of my £396 per month council tax is spent on ball gags and spit hoods? This is what we need to know!”

As we near the Christmas period, David Felcher has a message for all the councillors wishing to put their own interests in front of the people’s “We aren’t gonna put up with it anymore. These lot need to crack on and ditch themselves so our Moira’s job as a lollipop lady and our Michael’s job as a housing officer are safe. Too much spent on all them with their noses firmly in the trough. And if it means I down have to see that bloody stock photo of Alan Smith in the news anymore then all the better. The only photo of a fat lad in a suit I want to see this time of year is one of Santa Claus.”

COMPLAINTS OF SHODDY SANTA SLEIGH SERVICE

CHARITY SANTA SLEIGHS are courting controversy this festive season by not spreading joy and cheer to every single front door in the area, providing an individual service that the modern day snowflakes expect.  

Cockermouth Round Table, Maryport Round Table and Workington and Derwent Rotary members have brought Santa to visit many of the areas towns and villages for many years, but more and more people are getting increasingly frustrated by these volunteers not going to every single door personally.

“It’s a disgrace” vents red-nosed self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher, “these clubs are filled with offcomers and they don’t even have the common decency to drive their sleigh down my cul-de-sac down the bottom end of Slatefell Drive. Apparently the common hardworking man isn’t worthy of a visit from Santa. Apparently I should have took my grandkids out in the cold wind and rain to stand at the road end for 45 seconds. Well screw that! I haven’t paid my council tax for all these years to be treated like a second class citizen! It’s not as though there are parked cars down both sides of the road. They’re down the middle as well. Can these feckless lot not tow a caravan?!”

Santa - Not knock, knock, knocking on people’s doors

A spokesperson for the Society Against Nastiness, Trolling and Abuse of Clubs Looking to Amuse Universal Society (SANTACLAUS) said “Every year service clubs invest considerable time and effort away from their families to spread some Christmas cheer and raise funds for their local communities. Despite the huge sacrifices made by these people they often get trolled on Fyassbewk or Twatter because “they didn’t come down my street” or “they only come when I’m at work” or “when are you doing my road” for the seven-hundred and ninety millionth time.”

But local community activist Charlene Tinseltits is having none of it “These bloody do-gooders  refuse to come down my lane. I’ve PM’d their Fyassbewk page about seven thousand times and I’ve never had a bloody dicky bird back. 24 hours notice isn’t good enough eh. Some of us might have a client round. I need to make sure I round up the kids from their various dads. Santa isn’t the only ho-ho-ho in this neighbourhood. Self righteous prick.”

The SANTACLAUS spokesperson had a message for Ms. Tinseltits “On behalf of SANTACLAUS, I wish to apologise to Ms. Tinseltits. How dare our volunteer organisations not provide an individual service to every single person in the whole universe. In recompense, we have instructed a personal visit from our local volunteer club with their Santa sleigh to personally deliver the sack full of coal she obviously deserves. Won’t be the last time a fat bloke empties his sack in her living room. Merry Christmas.”

PUBLIC TO BE CONSULTED ON NEW MULTI USE STADIUM

ALLERDALE COUNCIL have announced that there is to be a public consultation into the proposed design and use of the new Workington multi-purpose stadium. 

Following recent controversy that a Speedway track may not be included in the concept, a spokesperson has exclusively revealed to The Cockermouth Standard that the proposed stadium will be all encompassing and cover a wide range of sports. Rugby League, Football, Uppies-and-Downies, Speedway, Mud-wrestling and seasonal bog snorkelling will all be available at the new Mark Fryer Workington Community Stadium.

An overly excitable spokesperson stated “We have listened to the community and will continue to listen to everyone in the community who supports the stadium. Speedway will of course be accommodated. As will use of the periodic inevitable flooding of the stadium and surrounding areas for the historic Cumbrian pursuits of bog snorkelling and Cumberland and Westmorland Mud Wrestling.”

An artists impression of the new stadium in seasonal bog snorkelling mode

The potential cost of the new multi-purpose stadium is expected to be in the order of £15m. Local curmudgeon and self-proclaimed man of the people David Felcher has raised concerns with the council about their plans.

“It’s a disgrace” exhaled a barbecued pork chops coloured Felcher, “not only is it 100% certain that this facility will flood between now and 2150 but they’re only accommodating pathetic sports like rugby league and football. Where’s the accommodation for the pigeon fanciers? It’s going to be paid for by the Cockermothian taxpayer this monstrosity, where’s our benefit?”

With respect to the siting of the new stadium Felcher has other concerns “Why isn’t it up at Moorclose? Surely that’ll stop that lad up there banging on about there being nowt to do every five minutes. That might be worth the £15million just to shut him up? I’ll be letting Allerdale know my views, but again they are discriminating against us salt of the earth pigeon fanciers - apparently they won’t accept messages sent by pigeon.”

The Allerdale spokesperson addressed some of Mr. Felchers concerns stating “We are not closed minded in this consultation other than to people who don’t want it to be built or want it built anywhere other than the site identified. Also, we can’t accept communications dispatched by pigeon for health and safety reasons - some of our Conservative councillors may try to hunt them and we can’t afford any more windows being shot out.”

Town Takeaways Takings Tumble Thanks to Taste Cumbria

COCKERMOUTH TAKEAWAYS are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight as a result of the Taste Cumbria road closures that came into force yesterday morning. 

Taste Cumbria is the jewel in the crown of Cockermouth events, with many thousands of people expected to descend on the town over the weekend to sample the fanciful fare and imbibe the finest beers, gins, ales and prosecco.

However, Jonathan Smurfit from the Cockermouth Traders Club has seen that the food festival has had an unintended impact on the towns takeaways “Our members in the convenience food sector are reporting a near 80% drop in trade overnight compared to a normal Friday”

“As a result of all the road closures, the towns fatties cannot park directly outside their favourite Friday night fried food vendor. It’s across the town, Lees, Main Street chippy, Diamond, Pedro, Alternative, Little Basil, Bamboo, Full House, Fiza Spice, Chattanooga, all reporting a plunge in takings. The exception being Slatefell Chippy, who have reported record takings and traffic jams from all the towns rotunda descending on the shop as they can park right outside.”

Taste Cumbria Food Festival returns to Cockermouth

Local curmudgeon and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher once again mounted his high horse “It’s a disgrace!” exclaimed type-2 diabetes suffer Felcher, “it’s our god given right to enjoy a Friday night takeaway only for this to be taken away because of this posho food festival. I had to wait half an hour for my weekly cod and chips from Slatefell chippy this week because of all these interlopers from up The Moor and Riverdale coming up to gods country, the New Houses, and taking all our fish. If I was a french fisherman I’d have scopped a load of rocks at them.”

Not all Cockermouth residents are upset about the food festival coming back to Cockermouth. Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, is incredibly excited “It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Comedy in a tent, a Michelin star pop up restaurant, Prosecco following, fois gras coming out of our gunnels. If people are desperate for their fast food fix, they can change the habits of a lifetime and walk.”

Recounting her earlier Taste Whitehaven controversy, Ms. Christensen added “Oh and to be free to express ones hatred of all things fruit, sugar and pectin. I have a custom made sequin top emblazoned with “I don’t like jam” on it. Take that Whitehaven. The proper food festival has arrived.”

Taste Cumbria food festival in Cockermouth takes place this Saturday and Sunday.

New Workington Hotel Tribute to Steelworks

ALLERDALE PLANNERS this week approved planning permission for a multi-million pound hotel and leisure development in Workington which is a fitting tribute the the industrial and social history of the town.

The Travelodge, Costa and Marstons development has paid homage to Workington as a town of steel by taking inspiration for the design from a full height Isofreight container.

Local architectural aficionado Sebastian Brokenshire has lauded the design; “The cubist, brutalist design is a perfect juxtaposition to the neo-gothic St. Michael's, the gaudiesque near run down half completed Workington Town Rugby League ground and the sodding eyesore that is Perry’s Palace.”

An artists impression of the Isofreight/Prison tribute

“Taking inspiration from the steel box in the design is inspired” added the near frothing with excitement Brokenshire, “and its resemblance to a prison will provide some comfort for all those Workington residents, and Allerdale councillors, who have spent time inside.”

Cockermouth resident Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, did not share Brokenshire’s enthusiasm; “Going to Workington is already offensive enough on the eyes without having to look at a monstrosity that looks like the bastard love child of an isofreight and a prison.”

Allerdale Borough Council were not available for comment. A spokesperson adding, “look this is another one of those AIP deals - yeah it looks like a box, but it’s nicer than that derelict red blotch on the landscape next door. Let’s just hope we can get that new stadium sorted out so the tens of spectators of Town and the Reds have somewhere nice to sit and question their life choices while their team inevitably gets beat.”

MARYPORT DEATH STAR FUNDING ROW

MARYPORT COUNCILLORS are being accused of misleading the public over who has paid for an art installation known locally as the “Maryport Death Star”.

The installation on Maryport harbour side has left locals wondering how much it cost local taxpayers as whether it has a sinister undertone.

“Well it looks like the bloody Death Star” said Maryport local Phil McCracken, “a Death Star made of stainless steel and lit up like a bloody Christmas tree. The only thing Maryport about it is them flags - they look like they’ve been installed by a lad frae bangla whose had too much from his magic herb garden.”

Town councillors were at odds to reassure the public that Maryport residents had not paid for the installation. According to our sources, a hoodie clad blood stained tissue laden nostriled, Coun Peter Kendall, told Maryport Town Council this week that “Maryport residents haven’t paid for the new Maryport monument - it was funded by Allerdale.”

Coun McCarron-Holmes (left) and Coun Peter Kendall officially open the Maryport Death Star (only one is wearing a costume)

Local Government expert and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher contacted The Cockermouth Standard to set the record straight; “It’s a disgrace! Misleading the taxpayers like this, of course Maryport folk paid for the stainless steel Death Star - if the money came from Allerdale - it will have been paid for by the people of Allerdale and last time I checked Maryport hadn’t declared itself an independent republic?”

The £9000 artwork is currently subject to a naming competition being run on social media outlet Fyassbewk. Phil McCracken has made his own suggestion for a name stating “Well I do think that the Maryport Death Star is pretty apt, you can totally see Coun McCarron-Holmes as a shoe in for Emperor Palpatine, but we all know what it really should be called - The Kendall Ball-Gag.”

Town Idiot Blasts Tour of Britain

MISERABLE MAN OF QUESTIONABLE PARENTAGE David Felcher has caused outrage amongst Cockermouth Fyassbewk users after ranting furiously the The Tour of Britain has destroyed the town. 

“It’s a disgrace!” lambasts the mutton chopped Felcher, “this so called cycling event snarling up the town, closing all the roads, disrupting the day to day lives of Cockermouthians who want to ditch their car outside the bookies on Station Street to put their 10p each way Yankee on. The only pleasure I have in this otherwise miserable existence. And I can’t even do that because of some bloody offcomers coming in with their barriers and stages for some push bikes. It’s not as though it’s a proper sport?! They wouldn’t close Main Street for Rugby League would they? Disgrace.”

The Tour of Britain transformed Cockermouth and the majority of Cumbria this week as the best of the worlds cyclists descended on the area to tackle the Cumbrian hills and take in the scenery. Stage 5, starting from Cockermouth Main Street, saw the first ever team time trial, with the cyclists racing to the visitors centre at Whinlatter via Lorton in 20 minutes.

Speed. I am speed. 

“And don’t even get me started on how dangerous this cycling lark is” continued Felcher, “I couldn’t get from Cockermouth to Whinlatter in 20 minutes in my car. How someone wasn’t killed is beyond me.”

Local businesses have rejoiced from the positive coverage of Cockermouth on television screens around the world. Cockermouth Traders Club spokesman Jonathan Smurfit took to Deekaboot lamenting on the benefits to the town “Yes there is nowhere to park on Main Street but the place is buzzing. People are in the shops. The town is now on the map again and not for being under 7ft of water. This is a great day for Cockermouth and Cockermouth businesses. Oh to be alive! And that Geraint Thomas in his Lycra has really drawn in the crowds! He won the Tour de France you say? Who knew? Look at those thighs...”

But the benefits of The Tour on the Cumbrian economy were lost on David Felcher, “two days they’ve closed Cockermouth because of these push bikes?! At least when it’s closed for that poncy Taste Cumbria lark I can get mesell a pint of Jennings, a brace of pheasant and a decent pie. The only thing I can get from these push bikes is a crick in the neck as they whizz past at 50 mile an hour. Why aren’t the police doing them for speeding?! It’s one rule for us....”

A spokesperson for The Tour of Britain was not available for comment, saying “This Felcher bloke obviously needs to get a life and a job.”

Maryport Wave Centre S&M Dungeon Plan

A WASTE OF PUBLIC MONEY is set to be repurposed as a dedicated sadomasochistic haven The Cockermouth Standard has learned.

Following last weeks exclusive that an Allerdale BC health and safety report recommended that Coun Peter “Captain Boredom” Kendall will be forced to wear a “standard issue gimp mask incorporating ball-gag” to “prevent Coun Kendall from speaking for more than 30 seconds in case someone recalls the experience on their drive home and falls asleep at the wheel”, it seems that Maryport Town Council have got a taste for all things leather, restrains, whips and chains.

Coun Kendall has revealed that Maryport Town Council are considering taking control of the towns Wave Centre from Allerdale BC. The Wave, which taxpayers fund to the tune of £106,000 per year, is home to Clip n Climb, a pretty useless so called theatre and a cafe that no one uses any more.

The Cockermouth Standard has learned from leaked Maryport Town Council papers that it seems someone has got a taste for the ball-gag; “We will repurpose Clip n’ Climb for evening adult entertainment. The climbing harnesses and ropes being repurposed as restraints for the BDSM community.”

The sensational report states that an investment of £7,500 per year will be made on “whips, chains, baby wipes and a high end televisual experience for those sick puppies who really want to be punished.”

The televisual experience will be the highlight of The Wave sex dungeon - the most depraved and painful experience anyone will endure. Similar in nature to the brainwashing scene from A Clockwork Orange, victims will be forced to watch Coun Kendall and Coun McCarron-Holmes engage in a gruelling 4 hour long debate on how to “Make Maryport Great Again”.

Making Maryport Great Again - The Wave a Centre of Sadomasochism?

Man of the people and local curmudgeon David Felcher fully supports the ambitious plan “This is a disgrace! But of the right kind. I applaud Maryport Town Council taking this on. They’ll save the rest of us a load of cash and give the discerning enthusiast of whips, chains, ball gags and socialist bullshit from the 1980’s somewhere to enjoy such activities in the comfort of their own gimp mask.”

“I heard that Coun Kendall is a glutton for punishment. I mean he spoke at Development Panel this week on three planning applications all for them to go against him - he definitely must enjoy painful experiences.”

Mr. Felcher had some words of encouragement for those in the community who feel that such a venue may negatively effect the town; “Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. BDSM is like Pringles - once your asshole pops; you can’t stop.”

Spit Hoods and Gimp Masks to be Deployed at Allerdale BC

SAFETY CONSCIOUS council officials have endorsed a controversial set of recommendations to keep members of the public safe from elected councillors The Cockermouth Standard has learned.

In a leaked Health and Safety Report, Allerdale Borough Council officers have decided to enforce the mandatory wearing of personal protective equipment by two leading community figures following complaints and as a result of a conviction.

The sensational leaked report recommends that “following the recent conviction of Coun Stephen Stoddart for assaulting another councillor by means of spitting and wagging his finger ‘ferociously’ the authority must protect its staff, members and the public from potential reoccurrence. A risk assessment concludes that the potential for and impact of the spread of disease outweighs other issues. Therefore Coun Stoddart must don a Standard issue spit hood and Chinese finger trap whilst on Allerdale BC premises.”

A spokesperson for the Moorclose councillor stated that “this is once again victimisation of Stephen by the Labour Party mafia that runs Allerdale. All Stephen has done is stand up for his community. Show that there’s nothing going on in Moorclose for the youngsters anymore, except the boxing club and bowling club and cinema. He has successfully petitioned for a Moorclose Brexit. He is a man of his word. He will literally spit in the face of anyone who stands in his way.”

However it is not just Coun Stephen “Spit the Dog” Stoddart that will have to turn up to Allerdale Council meetings wearing a plastic face-covering, Coun Peter “Captain Boredom” Kendall will be forced to wear a “standard issue gimp mask incorporating ball-gag.”

“Spit the Dog” and “Captain Boredom” PPE

“Following a complaint from a member of the public that Coun Peter Kendall’s speeches were ‘monotonous and irrelevant at best’ The University of Central Manchester were commissioned to undertake a study of the effects of Coun Kendall’s speeches on independent observers” states the side-splittingly accurate Health and Safety report.

The University of Central Manchester study found that “once subjected to over three minutes of off-subject reminiscing of the ‘good old days’ in Coun Kendall’s monotone monologues, the likelihood of a listener to fall asleep, pass out from boredom or literally lose the will to actually live increases by 5000%. We recommend that Allerdale BC take necessary preventative measures to prevent Coun Kendall from speaking for more than 30 seconds in case someone recalls the experience on their drive home and falls asleep at the wheel. The consequences could be catastrophic.”

Allerdale Borough Council were approached to comment on the leaked report, but sadly no one was available for comment. A spokesperson said “Look, I told you before, we have just come back from a taxpayers funded jolly in Manchester and we had one too many mojitos down Castlefield. Can you bother us next week when this 5 day hangover has had chance to subside? But yeah - spitty and captain boredom are a fucking liability - and I can’t wait to sneak a selfie when they turn up to the next full council meeting.”

Grass Cutting Petition Controversy

NEW HOUSES RESIDENTS are up in arms after a local mans petition calling on the government to adopt new housing estates communal areas reached its 10,000 signature target. 

Rent an opinion and self professed man of the people David Felcher took to Fyassbewk and Twatter to exclaim his disgust at local councillor Adrian Davis-Johnston’s petition: “It’s a disgrace! This Tory twat already has it all and now wants us decent, hard working, salt of the earth, claimers of Universal Credit to pay for his grass to get cut?! Well he can get stuffed.”

The petition calling for local authorities to take on the maintenance of communal areas on private estates has exceeded a 10,000 signature level meaning the government has to formally respond.

A pain in the Grass?

Token posho Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, fully supports the campaign “The girls at the bi-weekly prosecco, Fois Gras and literature club have all signed this fantastic petition. All of us on The Parklands have to pay over £700 per year for our bushes trimmed and they don’t even do half decent topiary!”

“Meanwhile the oiks on the so-called ‘New Houses’ get everything paid for them. Grass-cutting. Rent. Sky Sports. While here we are struggling on a combined household income of £120k per year. I won’t even be able to afford a third holiday to the algarve this year. We are struggling to make ends meet! Mr. Christensen might only be able to afford a BMW X3, the humiliation of not having an X5.”

Sympathy is running low with David Felcher, however “Oiks they call us do they?! Well I know where I’ll be walking my three Rotties this week and I won’t be taking any nappy bags let me tell you now!”

An increasingly honey glazed Felcher added “These interlopers need to pay for their own grass to be cut. They have no idea how hard life can be. Struggling on £120k per year? They want to try and live on Foodbanks - some of that stuff is barely even edible - once I accidentally ate dog food - it was French ‘Fois Gras’ which my mate Harold told me meant ‘Fat Dog’. These people. If you don’t like it, feck off back to Essex or Cheshire or wherever it is they come from.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council, who would be required to adopt the private estates land should the government accept the petition, was unavailable for comment saying “Look, we have all just come back from a banging taxpayer funded jolly to Manchester and I’ve got a splitting headache - can you not come back next week?”

Allerdale Council Starts Children’s Theatre Company

CASH-STRAPPED Allerdale Borough Council have announced that they have established a children’s theatre company in a hope to boost their coffers. 

Launched at the Allerdale Days event in Manchester, the troupe “Al and the Dales” will tour schools, sports halls and village fetes performing elaborate issues based theatre for under 12s.

In an exclusive for The Cockermouth Standard, Allerdale Council Leader and Cockermouth Labour Councillor Alan Smith said “It’s always been an ambition of mine to tread the boards. As an ex-steel worker, theatre is in my blood - why do you think The Full Monty was so successful?!”

“But I wasn’t going to strip down to my underkekkers for no one. And given Allerdale’s budget constraints, we have to think of innovative ways to make more money. So we have established Al and the Dales to tour the country to perform issues based theatre for kids.”

Al and the Dales launch in Manchester to a bumper crowd of 3

Al and the Dales will cover topics as diverse as friendship, drugs awareness, the political musings of Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell and the virtues of neo-socialist collectivism. Billed as a family friendly show full of music, laughter and dancing, Al and the Dales will controversially attempt to explain how selling of council assets through the Allerdale Investment Partnership is a great idea through the medium of interpretive dance.

“Well no one bloody understands it do they?” added Coun Smith, “so we have had that Craig Revell-Horwood choreograph an interpretive dance routine to explain how flogging land off with this offshore lot makes the council shed loads of cash. We even have Coun Fryer lined up to play the panto dame! Oh no we haven’t?! Oh yes we have.”

The announcement of the new initiative has been met with distain in some quarters with opposition councillors lining up to criticise the new troupe. Conservative councillor Mark Jenkinson took immediately to Fyassbewk to attack the idea “It’s just this kind of waste that we have to come to expect from the Labour administration. Where were the open auditions?! I know I would have made a better back end of the panto horse than Coun Cannon! I will be FOI requesting the council to expose the selection process and costs to taxpayers. We have a right to know!”

In response, Coun Smith said “Typical Coun Jenkinson. If he came to some meetings that we held in private that he wasn’t invited to he would have known all about it. This scheme will make money. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to pay to see me and Christine doing the Argentinian Tango in a scene about social media trolling? I know I would!”

Al and the Dales will be appearing at local events throughout the country soon.

Support Group Established for Struggling School Holiday Parents

FRUSTRATED PARENTS can now find an hours respite at a newly established support group as the school holidays enter their third week.

Cockermouth busy-body and amateur psychologist Ms. Belinda Chadwick has established “Safe Parenting” to help people cope with the arduous six-week childcare marathon.

“At the beginning of week three, children basically turn into ungrateful little bell-ends” explains the flowery Chadwick, “Parents’ anxieties start to come to the surface as they realise that all the crafts, activities and days out they had planned for the holidays either require the bank account of a lottery winner or the patience of Jesus Christ himself.”

“I have established ‘Safe Parenting’ as a support group for struggling parents. Those who after trying to communicate with a mid primary schooler who is glued to ‘Ryan Toys Review’ on their iPad. Those who have teenagers that refuse to participate in any of the fun activities they had planned unless it involves having to remortgage the house. Those new parents that soon discover what ratty little bastards they have procreated because they can’t get to sleep because of the heat and never fucking ending sunshine - ‘Safe Parenting’ is for them.”

Established as an area ‘bereft of Peppa Pig, Ben and Holly and that fucking stupid bastard chicken from Paw Patrol’ - the group has already had over 15,000 likes on Fyassbewk as parents struggle to come to terms with the loss of their free time, personal space and ability to have a shit without being bothered by some fucking toddler.

Mum of three, Jemima Christensen, 48, from The Parklands, is grateful of the support she has been given, explaining “I had the whole six-weeks mapped out for my little darlings. I have used five accrued days from site, my mother and father have chipped in, and Mr. Christensen has a couple of accrued days planned for after the bank holidays. Everything was going so well.”

“We have all three boys booked in on Chance Camp and Complete Football Coaching for a couple of days too - even though I had to sell a kidney to pay for it.”

“But after non-stop complaining, Peppa Pig teaching my boys how to be an upstanding proper arsehole and the non stop enthusiasm of those fucking borderline insane CBeebies presenters, I’ve had enough. I snapped. Just as Mr. Tumble for the nine-thousandth time asked for his ‘three special things’ - I reached for mine: gin, tonic and a rather expensive crystal tumbler.”

Gin and Slim - the parent coping strategy of choice

Ms. Chadwick was delighted to give The Cockermouth Standard an exclusive first view at the “Safe Parenting” support centre: “Its basically the back room of Fredericks”, explains a weary Chadwick, “an area bereft of all children and children related paraphernalia. A space where adults can read a book or a newspaper. Sit in delightful silence so they can dick around on their phone in peace. A space where the prosecco, gin and real ales can flow so you can forget what little bastards your little angels have become.”

“The only Peppa Pig item you will find at ‘Safe Parenting’ is our therapeutic jigsaw - cooked up bacon lardons so you can imagine that you are devouring the selfish little bastard. We accompany it with a dollop of HP Sauce - so you can dunk the bitch in a muddy puddle before enjoying a satisfying bacon treat.”

Gammon-enthusiast and self proclaimed man-of-the-people David Felcher explains it wasn’t like this in the good old days. “It’s a disgrace!” espouses the beetroot visage of Felcher, “Back in the 80’s when my kids were small we just got on with it. The bloody millenial remoaner snowflake generation have no idea of our struggle. There were only three channels on the telly and we made do with what we had.”

“Of course Parenting was a struggle. We just kicked the little fuckers out of the door with a jam sarnie and thruppence and went off to work. We locked the door. We told our young ones that they needed to make do til tea time. We had to do what we had to do.”

“It was character building” explains the now sombre Felcher, “it was survival of the fittest. Of course some kids got abducted, some got hurt, some got abused. But that was their own fault - we didn’t report such things back in the 70s. If Jimmy Savile came to town to take the kids down the beck - you’d let him take them, he was on telly, he was the last person you would think was a nonce - I mean come on he had a shell suit, a cigar and more gold than gypsy Rose - obviously respectable.”

Ms. Chadwick disagrees with the ever controversial viewpoint of Brexit-champion Felcher, “obviously things were different in the 1970’s but times have changed - women now have a role in life that doesn’t revolve exclusively around the kitchen, men in tracksuits outside of actually doing sports are an immediate red light for danger and kids now demand attention and, thankfully, protection. Sadly one thing has continued from the 70s - kids in the summer holidays turn into little bastards.”

EXCLUSIVE - United Utilities Reveal Reservoir Rain Recovery Strategy

UNITED UTILITIES have announced that the planned hosepipe ban for the North-west of England has been cancelled following recent rainfall.

In an exclusive interview for The Cockermouth Standard, the water company has revealed its plan to avoid the ban involved the use of ancient and controversial methods.

“We basically conned everyone into doing a rain dance”, explains UU spokesperson Lee King-Pipe. “Our long-term weather forecasting model predicted a 90% chance of us having to employ the draconian hose pipe ban tactics to ensure water supplies. So we hatched a plan so cunning in nature, that its cunningness will go down in legend as to how cunning we have been.”

“We engaged with world-renowned experts in voodoo, occult and shamanism to determine the precise required gyrations, thrusts, hand gestures and leaps needed to encourage our sky’s to shed water, rather than beating non-stop sunshine onto us. Just in time for the summer holidays.”

United Utilities Head of Technology Dan Sing-Queen explains how they encouraged everyone to take up the moves; “We worked with an app developer, Epic Games, in an attempt to cajole people into taking up the required black-magic dances. The result, a phenomenal game known as Fortnite.”

Popular with kids and adults alike, the at times controversial game Fortnite can now be revealed as the source of the rain dancing deception, with popular moves such as “The Floss”, “Take the L” and “Orange Justice” being linked to ancient rain encouraging spells from all over the globe.

“The Floss” or “Meinga te ua” - a Maori Rain Dance

World authority in ancient agricultural mysticism Prof. May Kit-Rain told The Cockermouth Standard “The dance craze known as ‘The Floss’ is actually an ancient Maori rain dance called ‘Meinga te ua’ which literally translates as ‘cause rain’. United Utilities approached me for several ancient and at times controversial dances for them to embed in the Fortnite game. I was more than happy to help. No one has spoken to me in at least 38 years. I was getting very lonely.”

Young people from primary school to teenagers have been baffling their elder relatives with the varied gesticulations, with school disco DJs being able to summon the power of the rain dances with simple commands such as “floss”, “take the L”, “jubilation” and “orange justice”.

Asked about the ethics of using children to encourage rainfall, United Utilities spokesman Lee King-Pipe stated that “United Utilities as custodians of the waterways on behalf of our customers take our responsibilities very seriously. To ensure a constant supply we are prepared to go that extra mile, and if that involves getting kids involved in shamanism without their consent, so be it.”

“Take the L” or “Yenza ithole” - a Zulu curse

Prof. May Kit-Rain has expressed some regret at children being targeted in the elavborate plan; “The move known as ‘Take the L’ is actually derived from a Zulu curse ‘Yenza ithole’ which literally translates as ‘make a calf’. The curse is a fertility spell, aimed at making the ground and all the people in the vicinity more fertile. In the short term there are obvious benefits, a great crop yield and healthier fatter wild stock, but there are unfortunate consequences - usually a population boom in the tribe population meaning that the tribes who summon the curse usually end up dying of starvation as they can’t supply enough food to meet the rising demand.”

“Thankfully, this curse doesn’t seem to have happened” added Prof. Kit-Rain.

However, once alerting The Cockermouth Standard to this curse, questions are now being asked of whether a recent product recall for defective Durex condoms could be linked to the curse and local Cockermothians are worried. Father of seven and Windmill Lane resident Mr. Phil Dangers explained that “My wife, my girlfriend and my lover are all bloody pregnant. Four of the kids are all doing this bloody ‘Take the L’ all the time, and all my johnnies keep bursting. Its all very well for you posh readers of The Standard but I did a deal with the social that I could keep my enhanced rate of benefits if I got the snip. Well, I wasn’t going to let some bloody Maryport nurse get hold of my tackle with a laser - and now there are another four kids on the way, the girlfriend is expecting twins!”

Local shopkeepers are devastated by the cancellation of the hosepipe ban. A spokesperson for the Cockermouth Traders Club said “That once it was publicised that smart-arse Phil Braggs was going to keep watering his begonias by popping fast fill water balloons with nerf bullets, we stocked up. Now we have a shed load of unneeded stock. This bloody Fortnite game has cost us a fortune. Curse you United Utilities, curse you to hell!”

Protest Planned to Allow Cars in Cockermouth Cemetery

LAZY COCKERMOUTHIANS are up in arms after finding out that bereaved Workington residents could visit Salterbeck Cemetery in their cars.

Allerdale Borough Council has come under criticism recently from a decision to ban car access at the Salterbeck cemetery, resulting in people having to walk or be pushed in a wheelchair to visit the bereaved.

Local Cockermouth curmudgeon and self-proclaimed man of the people David Felcher is proposing to take direct action. “It’s a disgrace!” exclaimed gammon-faced Felcher, “The people of Cockermouth are having to walk to graves or push loved ones in wheelchairs while the people of Workington get to mourn their bereaved from the comfort of their own cars, not getting pissed down upon from the heavens, probably sitting in heated seats and listening to CFM.”

“Once again, Cockermouth loses out to the Workington centric Allerdale politburo. I am going to be organising a silent protest so we can just show those in charge that the people of Cockermouth - the hard working Cockermouth ratespayers - won’t put up with it anymore.”

Angry Gammon-Man David Felcher

Allerdale Council have said in a statement “Unfortunately in recent years the high number of vehicles driving round the cemetery have damaged the surface of the paths. We’ve also witnessed people driving on graves and nearly hitting pedestrians within the cemetery.”

Two Allerdale Moorclose councillors have started a protest movement to reinstate vehicle access at Salterbeck cemetery.

“These two warriors for common-sense should be lauded as heroes”, explains the boiled-ham Felcher, “Two men standing up for their communities. People of good standing. People who will spit in the faces of those who stand in their way. Standing up for those hard working Workington residents who like me can’t be sodding arsed pushing my fat-arsed mother-in-law around the bloody cemetery in her wheelchair when I could be in the comfort of my own car like a near god, listening to Robbie D and his silly satnav.”

An Allerdale spokesperson was unavailable for comment, saying “Oh for god sake can these morons not get it in their thick skulls that driving over someone’s grave is disrespectful? Its a cemetery not a fucking race track. Salterbeck was an oddity in allowing cars access - no other Allerdale cemetery allows cars. And as for the access problems, we consulted the Allerdale Disability Forum - we received no objections from Workington councillors. Its amazing how these people function in their daily lives. How do they manage to go to the shops? Or the post office? Or the doctors? Or Costa? Do they fucking float?!”

An independent, and in no way made-up poll for The Cockermouth Standard has shown that 99.9% of all respondents recognised that regular car access to cemeteries is “A safety issue and an issue that disrespects both the dead and the bereaved” and supported the Salterbeck ban.

Presented with these hard hitting results, a persistant honey-glazed Felcher hit back “Well I for one am not going to be silenced. I will get to go round that cemetery in a car if its the last thing I do!” The Cockermouth Standard highlighted to Mr. Felcher that this ambition is likely to be realised - if he is buried in Cockermouth cemetery, he will be transported in a car known in the area as a “hearse”. Literally, the last thing he does.

Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Chaos after Cockermouthian Culinary Choice

TASTE CUMBRIA WHITEHAVEN descended into chaos yesterday after a Cockermouth resident expressed her aversion to a popular Copeland food source.

Jemima Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, planned to stock up on her favourite Taste Cumbria treats from Fois Gras, toffee based vodka products and overpriced artisan baked goods.

Talking exclusively to The Cockermouth Standard, Ms. Christensen recounted her experience; “As I spoke to stall holders to see what fayre they had on offer, I made a shocking discovery. At every single stall it was the same offer: ‘We have jam. Jam and egg. Jam, jam, jam and beans. Jam, egg, beans and jam. Egg, bacon and jam. Jam, sausage, bacon, jam, egg and jam. Jam, sausage, jam, jam, jam bacon, jam, tomato and jam.’ I was traumatised.”

Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Jam Specialist Mrs. Wilma Pectin

“I finally snapped when I thought I had found something more suited to a trained sophisticated Parklands palate when offered ‘Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top....... and jam’”

At this point Ms. Christensen made the worst cultural faux pas you can make in Whitehaven, exclaiming loudly “BUT I DON’T LIKE JAM!”

Stall holder and Taste Cumbria Whitehaven Jam officianado Mrs. Wilma Pectin explained the events that followed; “Well a couple of well built lads from Kells, dressed in traditional Viking-wear, took exception to this disgraceful affront to Whitehaven culture, and along with the Whitehaven Male Voice Choir - who just popped in for a couple of jars of damson and blackeyt - started singing the Whitehaven national anthem ‘Jam, jam, jam, jam, jam-de-jam, jam-a-de-jam!’”

Ms. Christensen offends the population of Whitehaven declaring her distaste for Fruit based preserves

Chaos ensued as the entire Taste Cumbria Whitehaven crowd joined in with the rousing chorus, causing Ms. Christensen to blush severely. “I have never been so embarrassed” explained the strawberry-red Christensen, “to have several thousand people all break into chorus because you have an aversion to fruit based preserves. My dignity was in tatters. Mr. Christensen and I fled for our very lives. I needed to get to Shills for some prosecco and imported olives to calm down.”

A spokesperson for Taste Cumbria Whitehaven said “We can see where Ms. Christensen went wrong. She assumed that Taste Cumbria Cockermouth had gone to Copeland - however we tailor our events to suit the culinary tastes of that particular area. When in Whitehaven - you sell jam. When in Cockermouth - you sell any ponsy old crap that will con those mugs out of their money.”

Mrs. Wilma Pectin declared some sympathy for Ms. Christensen; “I get that some terrible, immoral, disgusting people do not enjoy the sweet fruity nectar handed to us from God. I accept that these kind of people exist. Ms. Christensen didn’t know what to expect from her Whitehaven adventure, she probably never comes here unless she has a meeting in Albion Square. She doesn’t understand.”

Whitehaven celebrity and dentist’s wet-dream Mr. Peter Nickedit however was less sympathetic “Come to Whitehaven and you don’t like jam? Dead, eh.”

REVIEW - MARYPORT LIVE! “Like Blues, but less miserable”

MARYPORT LIVE! - the last-minute replacement for the traditional Maryport Blues Festival kicked off last night and The Cockermouth Standard was there to take in the atmosphere and the revitalised trail.

“It’s like the Blues, but with less miserable music and less of those pretentious blues fans who only drink half pints of real ale shandy, tut loudly at anyone actually enjoying themselves and often are attired in a distinct combination of leather, denim, 27 year old band t-shirts, a Stetson, a ridiculously shiny oversized belt buckle and the last weeks worth of detritus from their various meals in their beard” stated local arts reviewer Arkle Bucklefist, writing exclusively in The Cockermouth Standard.

“Gone are those days where the last weekend in July meant having to listen to repetitive dinga-dinga durges being thrapped out on some third hand mock Les Paul, with singers in low dulcet tones whinging on about how they don’t have proper jobs. Now the Maryport pubs are full of happiness, with local bands playing songs people actually know and the Maryport landlords selling more than just half pints of ale shandy and Cheese XL crisps by the bucket load.”

Local publicans are overjoyed by the success of the first night of Maryport LIVE! A spokesman for the Maryport Publicans Against Miserable Music Campaign in a statement said “The joy on peoples faces that they have been able to enjoy the music in pubs in the last weekend of July. After 19 years of hurt, music is coming home.”

“Publicans are reporting bumper profits. With local Cumbrian drinkers filling our pubs rather than the miserly “blues crowd” we may actually turn a profit for the first time in decades! Gone are the days of normal people just bringing their own drink and getting hammered on Shipping Brow to avoid blues music at any cost - now they can come back into the pubs and dance to popular rock tunes they have actually heard of!”

Happiness has found its way back to Maryport

Arkle Bucklefist added that their may be inadvertent artistic benefits to the town; “We may actually produce more decent home grown bands now that young people can see that the crowd at the front aren’t overweight head nodders who nurse their half pint ale shandy’s with care. Now that people are dancing and overtly enjoying themselves, this may inspire a new generation of Maryport talent.”

Cockermouth-based rent-an-opinion and self proclaimed man of the people David Felcher was the only unhappy face amongst an otherwise overjoyed crowd in the Labour Club last night adding “It’s a disgrace. Not only did I pay a fortune for my blues ticket only for it to be cancelled, but now I can’t even enjoy my half pint of ale shandy and packet of cheese XL without being distracted by someone enjoying themselves. Blues music is supposed to be about listening to some amazing guitarist filling the room with misery. Now people are dancing, and some arse has actually splashed something called “Blue WKD” on my prize belt buckle - it’ll take at least three pots of Brasso to buff out the damage.”

Maryport Blues Festival was cancelled earlier this month by Maryport Festivals Limited and local publicans decided to put carry on with a weekend of music in their pubs. A spokesperson for Maryport Festivals Limited was not available for comment saying “People enjoying themselves is not what blues is about. It was about the committee showing how nothing could ever be done by anyone else ever. This Maryport Live nonsense is a disgrace and just shows how petty people in this town is. I bet they got sponsorship from the councils too.”

Meanwhile, the Maryport Plumber Guild has released a statement regarding the impact Maryport LIVE! is having on their normal trade “As less rotund ale drinkers have descended on Maryport this year, the call outs from blocked toilets has plummeted to an all time low. Please drink more ale shandy’s to keep the Maryport Blues tradition of bringing our sewers to their knees alive!”

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Armoured Buses to Take Rugby League teams to Workington World Cup matches

WORRIED COUNCIL-WORKERS have booked two 1980’s style armoured buses to be used to transport rugby league teams to Workington should the bid to host Rugby League World Cup matches proves to be successful. 

Petrified of a reoccurrence of the despicable attack on international team coaches should the Rugby League World Cup return to Workington, council officials have reserved two Leyland National coaches, with steel reinforcement over the windows, to transport the lucky teams that will have the honour of playing at the Derwent Park stadium.

Blast from the Past - One of the Armoured Buses on Reserve

An unnamed council worker informed The Cockermouth Standard that “bringing the teams to Workington, the home of West Cumbrian rugby league, in a Workington-built - Workington-steel reinforced - Leyland National is extremely special given the heritage associated in this area with rugby, bus building, steel manufacture, socialist indoctrination, coal mining and industrial unrest. We have accelerated Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell’s plan to return this country to the glory days of the 1970s and 80s by at least five years!”

Cockermouth rent-a-gob and man of the people David Felcher fully supports the councils initiative; “What this area needs is to give itself a good reminder of the good old days when we didn’t answer to the EU, sports teams were shit scared in coming to this country and any risk of us having to put in a full shift of work meant that all comrades would be out on strike at a moments notice. Bringing back the good old reliable British Leyland National’s to transport our international rugby family to the premier stadium in this county is exactly the thing that an independent, backward - I mean - forward thinking nation like ours should do.”

“I am backing the bid 110%, and so are all the lads in the pigeon loft, even Jinky. The best thing to have happened to this area since we started converting those fucking buses into trains. Solid trains, that still run to this day, and that no one complains about. This is what Brexit is all about. Opportunity. Rugby. Industrial turmoil. Gammon.”

A spokesperson for Allerdale Borough Council was not available for comment, saying “Look we got enough shit years ago when some cock for brains vandalised that fucking bus. We aren’t taking any fucking chances this time. We thought - “what would Jesus do?” and the messiah Corbyn would of course want us to head straight back to the 80’s.”

When asked about how the potential World Cup bid would affect the chance of a new Workington combined sports stadium, the Allerdale spokesperson definitely didn’t say; “How else will we be able to convince people that spending money on a new Workington stadium is a good fucking idea? I mean, you try and make them numbers stack up - 120 reds fans and 500 town fans per fucking game. Give them an idea that we are a World Cup venue and hey presto the sheeple are back on side. Throw us a fucking bone here!! But not stones. And not at the fucking bus.”

Police Release Artists Impression of Hefty Fuel Thief

CUMBRIA CONSTABULARY have today released an artists impression of a rotund criminal and his thinner accomplice in an attempt to encourage members of the public to come forward with information regarding the theft of 200 litres of fuel from a Workington industrial estate on the 22nd July.

A spokesperson for the Police, Insp. Les B’Avenau made the following appeal for information, “The assailants are known by their pseudonyms ‘Hefty Hugh’ and ‘Lanky Len’ are considered extremely dangerous with previous convictions for animal larceny and an attempt on the theft of the Crown Jewels though the kidnap and blackmail of a monkey.”

Suspected Fuel Thieves “Hefty Hugh” and “Lanky Len”

“Cumbria Police are also interested in speaking to a further associate of the two suspects, a rather nosy Ladybird, who is allegedly stalking the two suspects and their “big black van” which contains a map, and a key and, according to intelligence, another cunning plan.”

The alleged assailants are known to operate during late night hours around industrial estates and farms, stealing fine prize cows and other livestock.

A spokesman from the Cockermouth Farmers’ Union explained; “At the dead of night, these two bad men, Hefty Hugh and Lanky Len, open gates while our members slept and tip-toe around these farms they crept.”

“Seemingly after their foiled attempt to convince Monkey-Joe to steal the Queen’s Crown, they are now back stealing fuel of all things. We fully support the cops, and hope they come - NEE NAH - and throw them away into their Panda Car.”

Local Man Set to Flout Hosepipe Ban

COCKERMOUTH SMART-ARSE and local entrepreneur Mr. Phil Braggs has gone on record that he is set to ignore the impending county-wide hosepipe ban by using an ingenious new invention - fast filling 100’s of water balloons at a time and popping them with a popular child’s foam-bullet gun. 

United Utilities announced on 17th July that a hosepipe ban will come into effect from the 5th August as reservoirs are at significantly low levels.

Mr. Braggs was disgusted by the news; “We live in the wettest place in the sodding country and after we finally get a summer for the first time since 1998, we aren’t allowed to water our begonias anymore with a hosepipe? It’s like living under a communist dictatorship!”

Anyone caught using a hosepipe to wash cars, water gardens or fill up swimming pools in areas where the Temporary Use Ban applies - or TUB as it is ironically known - can expect a significant fine and consternation from everyone else who plays by the fucking rules.

Mr. Braggs sadly thinks he is above the law; “The politburo at UU can frankly piss off” he expresses animatedly, “I pay my water rates and what do we get from UU? Roadworks all over the place because of some posh fucking mussels living in Ennerdale, stealing our water to keep the Mancs happy and water in Egremont that makes our fucking kettles explode! If I had my way, I’d cook up a nice Moules Mariniere and let the Mancs go dry. Why should I have to suffer with a lawn that’s turned the colour off piss?!”

Explaining that he had just paid over £1,000 to have new turf laid at his Riverdale estate home, Mr. Braggs explains how he will flout the ban; “my grandkids showed me this amazing invention recently where you don’t have to fill water balloons one at a time anymore like some sort of mug. They can now fill 100’s at a time! I plan to fill them up, place them over my new Wembley turf and then shoot at them with a nerf gun - my lawn will get watered if it’s the last thing I do!”

The latest in lawn watering technology?

Local environment enthusiast Ms. Ingritte P. Inabucket was disgusted; “I hope UU crack down hard on all those trying to get round the much needed hosepipe ban. Mr. Braggs so-called solution will just increase the plastic pollution crisis. I bet he didn’t even shed a single tear at Blue Planet 2, the heartless planet destroying bastard!”

A spokesperson for United Utilities was not available for comment, saying “the last thing we need is another fucking smart-arse coming up with a way to get round the system.”

The Cockermouth Standard as a responsible fake-news outlet would like to encourage all readers to “play by the fucking rules”. Some handy tips on how to save water and not be a bell-end like Mr. Braggs can be found at the United Utilities website.

Cockermouth Traders Set to Cash-in as God Closes Keswick

COCKERMOUTH BUSINESSES are reporting bumper profits this week following God Almighty closing Keswick for the foreseeable future.

The annual Keswick Convention sees up to 15,000 worshipers descend on Keswick bringing the town to its knees, in praise, of the Lord.

Chair of the Cockermouth Traders Club, Jonathan Smurfit explains the recent upturn in trade; “As Keswick effectively closes down for the throngs of deity and laity, we are taking the opportunity to warn the humble tourist that Cockermouth has better parking and an almost zero likelihood of being bothered by some bloody happy-clappy Christian type trying to get you to repent your sins whilst queuing up for an Old Keswickian fish supper.”

“By putting up signs on the A66 on the outskirts of Keswick saying “AVOID THE GOD-BOTHERERS AND COME TO COCKERMOUTH” the car parks are nearly all full - even Wakefield Road! My very own boutique of Cockermouthian essentials, such as Prosecco, Fois Gras, XL Crisps and Cheese pasties, has had a 1000% upturn in trade compared to last week! Praise the Lord!”

The Lord Almighty Proclaiming the Annual Closure of Keswick

The Keswick Convention were at the centre of a scheduling controversy after last years event, committing to bring the event forward a week to prevent overlapping the school holidays by such an extent, with some Keswick traders reporting a 90% drop in trade.

A spokesperson for Keswick residents, Brigadier Norman DeWinter said “The annual closure of Keswick by God himself is awfully inconvenient. Last year, a group of us decided to appeal to the Lord’s better nature, and pray that he would move the convention by a week. Thankfully our prayers have been answered.”

The Cockermouth Standard asked Brigadier DeWinter what he thought of the Cockermouth Traders Club advertising campaign, he added “Well if they get to reap some rewards from Keswick’s obvious popularity for a short period of time, that’s all very well and good. But God closes Keswick for a reason, and that reason is money, erm, sorry, because we are the blessed ones. Yes, money has nothing to do with it. Moving on.”

Cockermouth rent-an-opinion David Felcher has expressed his thoughts via his ever popular Fyassbewk page, stating “It’s a disgrace, all these tourists coming to the town taking up all the disabled parking spaces on Station Street. I can’t even park right outside Coral’s now before putting on my daily 10 pence each-way Lucky 15. If this is a miracle, then you can shove it! Don’t even get me started on the queue snaking outside of Greggs - Cockermouth should be for Cockermouthians not all these bloody off-comers.”

A spokesman for Keswick Ministries who organise the Convention stated they were not available for comment at this time.

Local Protester Supports F&M Development

SERIAL PROTESTER and local celebrity Jemima Christensen has ruffled considerable feathers today after posting on social media outlet Twatter her support for a controversial development in the town.

Ms. Christensen, 48, of The Parklands, stated in her 280 limited-character posting “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I wholeheartedly support F&M coming to Cockermouth. No longer will I have to make a special trip to London for my Fois Gras and Beluga! Hurrah! Right on my doorstep too - talk about convenience shopping!”

Allerdale councillors next Tuesday are expected to approve the application made by Opus North for a B&M Bargains store to be built next to the Lakes Home Centre.

After The Cockermouth Standard informed Ms. Christensen of her error, she was quite distraught: “You mean to tell me that Fortnum and Mason aren’t coming to Cockermouth and instead we are further supplying retail space for the New Houses oiks?! Well this just won’t do. Do B&M even stock Fois Gras?”

The B&M hamper of Ms. Christensen’s Dreams

“I am now on public record supporting a store that sells so-called discount goods! I don’t think I will ever be able to show my face at my weekly Prosecco club at Shills’ ever again. Is there a way you can delete posts from Twatter?! Or erase peoples memories!?”

Local online grammar enthusiast Mr. B. End took delight at Ms. Christensen’s faux pas stating “Well it serves Ms. Christensen right - there’s a big difference between a sodding B and an F isn’t there?!”

Fury as Furious Person makes Furious Claims

COCKERMOUTH RESIDENTS are up in arms as a furious person has been making furious claims furiously via social media outlet Fyassbewk.

In a series of online rants, local curmudgeon and pigeon fancier David Felcher has covered topics from the Christmas lights being too twinkly, the local road network being bereft of toll-bars, public subsidy for the annual gammon boiling competition and the car park ticket machines that require degree-level education to operate.

“It’s a disgrace” exclaims a gammon-faced Felcher, “this town is going down the pan and no matter how red I go in the face no-one will do anything about it. After years of being the one person at the back of town council meetings, taking notes and grunting in disgust at any of the councillors saying anything I don’t agree with, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and rant furiously on something my grandson calls Fyassbewk.”

Since starting his series of poorly researched and often misspelled rants, Mr. Felcher’s Fyassbewk page has reached over ten people. Mostly embarrassed members of Mr. Felcher’s family.

“The response has been amazing” explained Felcher, “now thousands upon thousands of people know exactly what I think about the state of this town and how we are under the control of the neo-liberal-communist-facist elite that run Allerdale and the Town Hall. I am going to bring the illuminati down.”

David Felcher has a reputation amongst Cockermothian’s as the town’s go to thought leader, should the opinion you wish to find originates from a simpler time. A time when the Cockermouth bypass wasn’t built, Millers Factory made shoes and “Love thy Neighbour” was considered appropriate for television.

“It’s a disgrace” spits a now nicely honey-glazed Felcher, “we spend money in this town on Christmas and I once got a lump of coal in 1957 in my stocking. It’s discrimination. I don’t celebrate Christmas or anything like that, so why should I pay for others enjoyment. I remember once going to the Lights Switch on and David Essex didn’t even know who I was.”

Felcher continues: “Don’t even get me started on the subsidy for the annual gammon boiling competition - taxpayers money that could be better spent on things I want. I want to grow the pigeon fancying club from its current record membership of three, where’s my subsidy? And as for offcomers coming into this town and demanding things like a Sainsbury’s and a Starbucks - the town was much better with the sweet smell of shit coming from Mitchell’s on a Monday and you got your coffee from Luchini’s in town - better, simpler times.”

The offending Christmas lights - a waste of ratepayers hard earned crust

In an exclusive for The Cockermouth Standard, local busy-body and community spokesman Gerald McFlustered has gone on the record regarding Mr. Felcher’s furious online tirades; “Frankly everyone thinks that he’s gone too far this time. It’s almost as bad as the dirty protest he made at the toilets being privatised by the council. Sadly this time, the smell of shit has gone from Main Street to what he’s writing on Fyassbewk. He needs to get himself down to The Swan and whinge in there in the environment where it has become accustomed over a pint or seven of the finest Jennings in the town.”

In a request for comment to a representative of the Town Council regarding the controversy over Mr. Felcher’s Fyassbewk fury, they told The Cockermouth Standard to “refer to the response given in the famous Pressdram vs. Arkell case - i.e. fuck off.”